Sometimes it’s hard just to remember to breathe…
Daily/normal – continuous – parenting, groceries, garbage duty, meal prep, packing lunches, dishes, driving, school, homework, play-dates sports and activity scheduling, volunteering, constant house upkeep, enlisting Dalton’s help to do things, or not to do things, clothes, laundry put away, sort/outgrown, needs assessment, morning and bedtime routines, dealing with defiance, arguments, behavior difficulties, wants, concerns, needs, fears, keeping busy, attention and moods, screening TV, computer, etc., pet care, attention and needs, litter-box, feeding/water, clean-up, distractions.
Missing my mother, sorting/clearing her stuff, my stuff, what to do with everything, anxiety, where am I going to live, will it be OK how am I going to do it – financial fears, uncertainty, trying to find motivation to work, find more clients – feeling sick. But a job feels much, much worse. Confusion re daily scheduling, disruptions when no school.
Summer camp, swimming lessons, sports, scheduling. Dentist for Dalton – who/how, dealing with his dad – trying to get Dalton to talk to him on regular basis; dealing with issues re in-laws and gifts, promises, etc. – waiting for child support, never knowing if or when it’s coming. Dealing with food stamps, reporting, budgeting – just making myself shower. Therapy 2-3 times a week, making myself eat and sleep; dealing with Avon customers, orders, deliveries, requests, payments, returns, getting things out on schedule. Keeping track of tax deadlines for bookkeeping clients, responding immediately to client requests for work, keeping track of billable time, invoicing, recording financial transactions, keeping accounts balanced, making sure bills are taken care of. Making sure garbage and recycling goes out on time, making sure Dalton brushes his teeth and takes a bath once in a while; making sure the alarm clock is set. Making sure we aren’t out of coffee, milk, toilet paper, etc. Trying to keep on a daily schedule, constantly making sure I have childcare covered when needed. Remembering to charge my cell phone, remembering to put it back in my purse afterwards, remembering to keep my pills refilled, remembering to take them; figuring out what on earth to feed my son and myself every day.
Trying to incorporate and assimilate new info about myself, dealing with multiple emotions about this point in my life – being an artist, being “allowed” to write. Trying to let myself believe in this new reality and resulting possibilities; feeling anger and resentment; feeling humbled and scared. Being afraid to hope, being depressed – making myself hope and believe; uncertainty about what my role is and if I’m capable of doing what is necessary – capable of even understanding what must be done. Financial confusion about income needs, food stamps, SSDI, healthcare, etc. and anxiety about quitting smoking. Feeling torn this way and that way and every way; trying to balance my “art,” parenting and household duties, client and customer responsibilities, family expectations and constantly changing priorities; finding myself at times needing something I can’t quite put my fingers on – going from despair to elation, but endeavoring to swing back to the center in order to put my “mother” hat on – or one of many others. Trying to find balance, dealing with hormonal havoc… Household chaos, I am not accomplishing beyond surface level cleaning and pickup – too much stuff, don’t know what to do with it; wanting order but not knowing how to accomplish it; I have done no filing, it is dreadful; I have been working very, very little – and how do I know what I need until I am able to do what I currently have? Why can’t I work, and get from Point A to Point B – I never feel like I have enough time.
But I DO KNOW. I just, sometimes, cannot DO. And if this is OVERWHELMED – how did I cope when my Mother was still alive and I had to also care for her?