In writing my Annual Summary, I have realized that I need to clarify what “issues” I have in regards to my sister.
It isn’t that we aren’t getting along or that there is any real problem; it seems that I simply have some personal coping issues I need to work out. These issues are not really big nor very frequent any more. But I did need to clarify, in order to understand.
At this point last year, I had written about how wonderful it was to be living with my sister. I especially commented on how much I enjoy our conversations about things; our camaraderie. And I realize that some things have changed and it could be that I am feeling the loss of what to me was so important. My sister has been going through a time when she needs solitude and introspection. She has explained this to me and I do respect her wishes. But it seems this has not been easy for me. Her silence often makes me uncomfortable and I need to come to terms with this, and other things.
To try to gain some perspective on just what it is that is bothering me, I made up a list (in no particular order):
- First, my sister and I are in some very fundamental ways very different. We perceive some things in very different ways and neither of us can understand the other’s point of view in these cases.
- She is my elder sister and we share years of history where she is the one “in charge” of things; where she is the one who makes the rules and decisions. Before I moved in with her, I was used to being in charge of my life and my home for a number of years and this is an adjustment.
- We also share years of history where I was “messing up” and needing to be bailed out/rescued by her and/or others. Where I have forgotten many of these things, she has not, and I sometimes feel she judges me on those terms, although I believe myself to be very different than I used to be and deserving of some faith and credit.
- This is in fact her house and I am here by her good graces; she could choose to kick me out, in which case I don’t know what I would do – so I feel in a sense too dependent on and beholden to her, although she has not done anything in particular to cause me to feel this way. (And I do, of course, pay for my room and board, after all.)
- My insecurity often has me feeling that she expects me to do things wrong or that she disapproves of what I do/how I do things. Is this my imagination only?
- There are times when I feel she is condescending to me and/or being too “bossy” by telling me things that I already know and can’t believe she doesn’t know that I know. It makes me feel like she expects me not to do what she is “instructing” me about and I can’t help feeling a bit offended and misjudged.
- I get particularly distressed when she judges how I am parenting my son (in my perception) and when she tells me what he is doing (e.g., like how late he was up the night before) she always sounds like she is angry at me and that makes no sense to me. I believe that she thinks I do not know what I am doing or else do not care (but I do).
- I often feel like I am trying to justify myself to her, where I really should not have to do that, ever. But I feel like I need to somehow prove to her that I am “worthy” and/or “capable” for some reason – perhaps because I believe she does not feel this way.
- At times I feel that I am not living up to her expectations, but I do not know exactly what her expectations might be and so sometimes get confused. At the same time, perhaps I need to be clear about what my expectations of her might be.
- I sometimes feel “discounted,” like I don’t matter, or as if I were a child. I sometimes feel that I can and want to be helpful but that my solutions are then not given any weight or consideration; as if I am not allowed for some reason to help. This can leave me feeling humiliated and rejected and at times resentful that I am being deprived of giving what I can and desire to give.
- As I mentioned above, I sometimes feel rejected and lonely when she spends so much time in her silence and solitude; she shuts me out and does not even want me to talk to her; it sometimes leaves me feeling like I am walking on eggshells for fear if I open my mouth I will offend her. Sometimes I resent this because I have never been like that no matter how involved I may be with something. I am always willing to take a break from whatever I might be doing in order to give time and attention to someone. This is apparently one way in which she and I are very different.
- I tend to worry about her when she is so withdrawn from me (engaged in a personal project that has been ongoing for quite some time). I worry that what she is doing may be harmful to her; that she is hurting herself by sacrificing so much to something that may or may not ever give her what it is that she so wants and I don’t want her to be hurt.
- The bottom line is basically that I either need to learn what my sister thinks of and/or expects from me, or simply learn to accept these things as being my own feelings and perceptions, which are in my control to change.
I love my sister dearly. These are my insecurities of mine; not criticisms of her. I want her to feel that I am here for her inasmuch as she is here for me. I would like to feel that she respects me and believes in me, as I do her.
Finally, I want to add a caveat, should my sister happen to read this:
I am still very happy to be living here with you, my dearest sister. You are and will always be my best and truest friend. My concerns here are simply a matter of my own personal growth, and for my growth and well-being I simply need to learn how to deal with what bothers and inhibits me.
You are more self-contained than am I. I am more subject to being affected by my environment and my perceptions thereof. I am like a sponge, soaking up the emotions and energies around me as I perceive them. But my perceptions are likely painted with baggage from my past.
So many times when I have sought help to work on issues plaguing me, I have had but a vague sense of unease and distress and, unable to clarify and articulate what is wrong, I then continue to suffer without understanding. But now, by being able to identify what I am feeling, I can work on these things. I have found that sometimes just the act of writing things down can serve to resolve and
release them.
I just want you to know that this is all about ME, not you. I love you just the way you are.
And as a further item of “unfinished business,” I see from my 2013 Goals & Resolutions that I wrote about needing to work on “childhood anger and pain” issues. I do remember talking to my sister about challenges I was having with my son (and about her expectations of me in this regard), and she put forth the belief that my own pain from my past may be interfering with my ability to parent effectively.
Is this still a valid issue for me? I am unsure. I have had to work through a lot of this over this past year; part of which was coming to terms with my father’s Aspbergers and also many thoughts about religion, human nature, sensitivity, and ADHD. And I think I’ve been gradually gaining some wisdom, acceptance and forgiveness. And I have been living more in the present and looking to the future in dealing with my son, rather than dwelling on my past. I think I have begun to leave some of my pain behind. But it is something to consider.
And, finally, another year has gone by without my having unpacked or put away all my crap from when I moved in here; it’s all in the garage. I had a garage disaster at my last home, I do not need to live with that again here, so I am going to put forth serious efforts in getting on top of this before it starts becoming a burden to weigh me down. And it really will not be that bad or take that long once I get started. Enough already!
I seem to have a lot less “unfinished business” this year than I have had other years. And I seem to more easily be able to identify what those things might be than I used to. So, yes – I think “progress” is a good way to label this year!
Onward and upward…