It has taken me a long time to summarize the year 2014. It was a difficult year from the beginning, and continued to be tough for the better part of the year. Primarily, I had three big areas of difficulty to contend with, as follows:
(1) Relationships-Family (Parenting)
Dalton’s school problems began towards the end of 2013, but we had things in place by the end of that year that led me to believe he would be able to start the year out successfully back at school. It didn’t take long, however, until things were dire again and it soon became obvious that he simply could not continue at the Junior High. I then proceeded to get him set up to attend Valley Oaks, which is a nontraditional school that would have him doing his work at home. But he would not do the work and wasn’t willing to attend his mandatory weekly appointments at the school. He was anxious and depressed, his sleep schedule kept getting turned around and out of whack due to sleep difficulties, and I became more and more anxious and stressed due to my worries about him and not knowing quite what to do.
I then enrolled him with an online school, thinking that he would be content with this situation. But the online school was confusing and I didn’t quite know what to do to get him started, nor could I get him to be proactive and get to work. (It did not make a great impression on me when I saw that they misspelled the word “literacy” on their “Literacy Packet.”) In any case, I was eventually informed that he had been dropped for failure to do anything, before I even knew what it was he was really supposed to do. And it was so close to summer break by this time that he simply refused to do anything related to school until the fall.
To make a very long story shorter, after talking with Dalton at length I finally decided I would consider the idea of teaching him myself and I proceeded to do a lot of research to educate myself on the possibility and learn how to do it. But by the fall, although I had gotten everything ready, things kept pushing it ahead. He couldn’t get his sleep schedule straightened out, he started to become overly worried about various health complaints which had me taking him to the doctor all the time. Time dragged on wherein I became increasingly stressed out and tense over the situation. Dalton’s state of mind was not good, he was depressed and I was desperate to know how to help him. It didn’t help that my sister totally disapproved of what was going on and we had frequent unpleasant and emotional altercations. She attributed my difficulties with Dalton to my lack of correct or effective parenting due to my ADHD disabilities. This made me crazy. But I was determined to stick to my guns and attempt to find the right solutions to improve Dalton’s life and get him on a successful school path. It was apparent that my sister and I had very different perceptions and beliefs about this situation and it distressed me that I couldn’t seem to ever talk to her about my son at all without it turning into an argument. In any event, my thoughts and energies this year were majorly focused on my son and it was very stressful and fraught with difficulties.
(2) Work/Career
At the same time that I was dealing with all the problems regarding my son (and my sister), I had also – at the beginning of January – acquired a new client. This was a real boon in many ways. I gathered my courage and asked for a higher rate of pay and it was approved. But the job itself was a real challenge. I had to take over and correct books that had for years been done incorrectly and were filled with errors. I had to do this using software that I did not like and hadn’t used in years, so there was also a learning curve to deal with. And I had to do the work there at their office, going to San Rafael once or twice a week, when I really prefer to only work at home. I have a hard time concentrating when I am in someone else’s office and the work was so chaotic and confusing and so very overwhelming that I suffered a lot of anxiety over it; it even affected my sleep.
But early in March I was thankfully able to work out a way that I could do much of the work at home and only go to the office once a week to file papers away, etc. This helped significantly, but the workload was enormous and it continued to be confusing, stressful and overwhelming for most of the year; I worked many, many hours to get it cleaned up and corrected, much of the time feeling like I didn’t really know what I was doing. At the same time, my other major client went out of town for the whole summer and I was asked to take on a lot of additional duties while he was gone and oversee/assist his son who was left in charge. That kept me unusually busy on a daily basis, more so than ever before. Plus, I have other clients and other work that I had to attend to at various times. So I found myself working more hours than I have for many, many years, sometimes seven days a week, and that plus the nature of this new client work, added to my already high stress level to a very large degree.
(3) Health
So, between my anxiety and efforts to get Dalton’s situation squared away, and the enormously challenging and anxiety-ridden work situation I found myself with, I began to suffer physical complaints with my neck, back, and shoulders. But despite my increased visits to the chiropractor, I did not get better, the pain got worse and worse and ultimately my left arm and shoulder became so painful and dysfunctional that I was in rather desperate shape and somewhat incapacitated.
At first, I tried muscle relaxers. I had my neck x-rayed. Then I tried acupuncture, which yielded positive results but I still could not move my arm above my waist which meant everything from personal grooming, bathing, dressing, and basic household chores were beyond my ability. The pain was disabling. I investigated a new procedure called “frequency specific microcurrent” which sounded encouraging. But I soon learned that the cost was outrageously expensive. I had more x-rays, I tried physical therapy but found that to be unhelpful and even detrimental (and also costly). I eventually opted to have an MRI (which was a very painful experience) and finally I had a steroid injection (which, at first, was more painful than ever but soon provided amazing results). And, after discussing my situation more at length with my acupuncturist, he tailored his treatments to focus more on my shoulder (which appears to have become “frozen”; the muscles are “stuck together” with scar tissue), and I have had continued success there. The pain did start to abate by the end of the summer, but I was still physically challenged.
So I spent the bulk of 2014 stressed out, in major pain, anxious, often worried and depressed – and working all the time. [See “Pennies“] But I persevered and was determined to get through everything as best I could. It has been DIFFICULT.
But, to sum up these issues:
(1) Relationships-Family: At one point I learned that kids often need a very long “decompression” time when you take them out of school. So I have tried to be patient and supportive. And by the end of the year, Dalton seemed to be ready. He promised me that he would be ready to commit to school after the Holidays. I have everything in place and ready for him. (I’ve worked very hard over the past year on this) and he seems all in all in a much better “place.” His moods have stabilized (and his sleep schedule), and he seems much more happy and content. As of this writing, he has started doing the work I have assigned him and things are now going smoothly; hopefully we will see some real progress this year. I am also hoping that things with my sister will improve accordingly, although she has told me that unless I start seeing my therapist (Molly) a couple of times a month (with or without Dalton), then we should plan to find another home. I really don’t know what to think about that, but it will be ok and I am confident of that. I had already intended to see Molly anyway.
One thing that has improved in my relationship with my sister is that I now understand basically what was going on that was causing her to be so withdrawn and distant for so long, so I no longer need to feel the resentment and other feelings I was having trouble with before (and no longer need to worry about her, like I was). I have also worked on trying to feel less insecure and defensive. At this point, as long as we don’t discuss Dalton and/or school, we get along just fine.
Another thing that transpired this year and that has caused me a bit of insecurity is that my sister has now reinstated a relationship with her husband. She has been spending every weekend with him at his home. At first, this caused me a lot of anxiety but when I broached the subject with her she assured me that she would honor her agreement with me that Dalton and I would have a home here until he was 18, which promise always confuses me when she then threatens to kick me out when things are not going well. All I know is that I better get the garage cleaned out and my things organized soon in case I do have to move at any given time. I do not want to experience the chaos I did when I last moved.
Family becomes increasingly important to me as I get older and I was very pleased to get a phone call recently from a cousin (actually my dad’s cousin) who I have not seen in many years and then only rarely. I was and am very happy to have her now in my life. It puzzles me why our family has always been so distant and separated. But I have tried to create links and keep us all connected as much as I can and I will continue to do so.
Unfortunately the reason that I was contacted by Cousin Gwen was that she had just learned that her other cousin, my Aunt Ginger, had passed away. As for when I learned of this, that phone call came at the very moment that Dalton and I were leaving for our summer vacation and it still hurts to write about it. My aunt was very, very special to me and in many ways I felt closer to her than I did to my own mother over the years. I loved her very much. But her death was not unexpected. She had contracted Alzheimer’s and it took her down pretty quickly. I feel for my cousin, Vicki, who nursed her to the end.
There was another death in the family this year. One of Dalton’s uncles on his dad’s side, who also had Alzheimer’s, died this past fall. Dalton, however, does not remember him very well. But I am sad for his wife and family.
Then in the fall, my father gave us a scare when we heard he had fallen from a ladder and broken his leg. But he seems to be recovering and I am grateful for that. I am hopeful that Dalton and I can visit sometime soon.
And finally, we learned that my son’s father now has another child. I am proud of how well my son took this information and amazed at how mature he’s been about it. As for his father – I have no words. I just hope the baby finds himself in a good home.
And in other relationships:
Friends: I am pleased to say that I have formed some friendships this past year that have been beneficial in many ways. One is a woman whom I met at the writing workshop I’d been attending. She lives here in Petaluma, is raising a child and also engaged in creating children’s picture books. She is only a few years younger than I and we have found we have a lot in common and enjoy each other’s company.
I had a surprise this summer when I was contacted by a friend whom I had not seen or heard from in many years. We used to be business partners and best friends back when I lived in Marin County years ago. I was invited to join him and other friends for a get-together and it was great seeing these people again. I had felt so disconnected from my past life and it was great reconnecting. But tragedy struck and took his oldest daughter recently. My heart went out to him and I was gratified that I could be there for the memorial early in December. I intend to keep in touch with him.
Another friendship I am grateful for is getting to better know my chiropractor. I have in recent years found myself rather attracted to him and had started getting rather nervous around him, not knowing how he felt about me. So I gathered my courage and simply told him how I felt. We were then able to talk freely and determine that, at least at this point, we can enjoy a good friendship. I now feel perfectly comfortable with him and have been enjoying our conversations and frequent texting. He’s a good guy.
Romantic/Sexuality: I have found that friendship means a lot more to me than romantic involvement. I have always found myself to be attracted to a man’s mind more than his body. Communication is very important to me. And this is why I have continued to decline to see Louis. He has never stopped trying to convince me to see him. But sex is no longer very important to me and Louis and I never really have much to talk about. Someday perhaps I will meet someone who I can feel passionate for – but for now, I am content.
And finally, Work Relationships: I am pleased to say that I get along great with my clients. And the people at my newest client are really great.
(2) To sum up regarding Work/Career: I did finally reach the end of a long, hard road regarding this new client’s books. I am very pleased to report that I was successful in correcting their books and now have things straightened out and organized. Their CPAs were very impressed at the fiscal year-end work I did. I now have things going smoothly and the workload is very manageable. No more headaches and worry here! The only concern I have is that now that it has slowed down I may decide to find another little client to make up for the reduction in income that I got accustomed to over the past year. But things are good.
(3) And to sum up the issue of my Health: I am extremely grateful to report that my shoulder is nearly back to normal. I continue to see the acupuncturist once a week and the chiropractor a couple times a month and I continue to gain more movement in my shoulder. It’s been a long, slow road, but I am much improved and I no longer suffer any pain to speak of. In other areas, other than a couple of brief colds, I have stayed well. This year I have taken steps to get my own regular doctor, schedule appointments and take charge of my healthcare (and Dalton’s as well), including doctor, dental, and vision. I am taking supplements and eating well. I have not done so well with keeping up with my walking and exercise, but hopefully I will do better with that this coming year, especially now that I am not having to deal with pain. My next big goal is to (once again) quit smoking (and start walking regularly again).
The only other thing I have to report regarding the issue of my health is that I ended up with an excruciating toothache the day before New Year’s which led to an emergency visit to the dentist and a tooth extraction. So I welcomed in the new year in pain. But all is good now!
Finances/Acquisitions/Vacation/Gifts
The good news is that, because of working so much and so hard, I have been making quite a lot of money; more money than I’ve made in a very, very long time (if ever). It has been remarkable. It is also very fortunate because it has allowed me to be able to pay for my medical costs, which became rather substantial; and, because Dalton’s been growing so incredibly fast these days, I have had to buy him clothes and shoes much more frequently than usual, and I’ve been able to do that. And when I opted to home-school Dalton, it required a significant outlay for textbooks and the like, but I have managed that. I have been able to pay off old debts, have reinstated my credit, and have opened a savings account to which I add money every month. It has been a very good year for me financially. And even though the IRS still had not sent me my tax refunds for the years 2012 and 2013, I was able to take Dalton on a summer vacation down the coast to Santa Cruz and Monterey. We had a really nice time. I finally got my refunds later in the year after I finally wrote and sent them a certified letter (after frequent telephone calls yielded no results) and I have learned to manage money quite well. (I always believed my inability to manage money was due to simply not earning enough!)
I actually find it rather hard to believe how much money I have spent this year (and been able to afford). When my bedroom TV died early in the year, I found myself able to purchase a new one (flat screen, hi-density). This felt amazing. In an effort to try to make Dalton’s life better by improving his environment, I found and purchased for him a new bed and a desk. I also bought parts and built him a new computer. And then later did the same thing for myself, upgrading all of my equipment. I have been able to treat myself to some new clothes, and to books, music, and other things. I also separated my cell phone account from my sister’s and now have my own account and have been able to pay more of my share of other expenses than I previously could.
Because of my shoulder dysfunction I haven’t been able to color my own hair but fortunately have been able to budget having someone else do it. I have been able to buy gifts (which made for a better Christmas all around) and help out a friend. And I completely paid off the debt that I owed to my sister’s husband for back rent (which felt very good). I have more options now. I feel I now have more integrity and do not have to suffer with financial fear (which is a totally NEW – and BLESSED – feeling).
Training/Education
I have heard that the best way to learn is to teach. Well I have already learned a lot in preparing to home-school Dalton. I read and learn as much as I can and I have high hopes of instilling this love for learning in my son.
Home
I have, over this past year, gradually began to make this place feel more like my own home and less like I’m a visitor at my sister’s. I have tried to be more proactive in keeping up with the housework and have made some progress in straightening out the garage. However, it is my goal this year to get the garage once and for all, finally in shape.
Entertainment/Social Life
Due to making new friends, I have enjoyed a bit more socializing and fun this year. But I have never had a problem entertaining myself and tend to enjoy solitude more than anything else. I have tried to take advantage, however, of certain events as they come up; sometimes alone, and sometimes with my sister.
Creativity
The writing group that I had started attending last year has not lived up to my expectations and I found myself getting rather bored with it. But I may still go from time to time as it is a good resource. One good thing I did this year is to join SCBWI finally – that has been a goal for a while. I have not yet, however, really leaned how to make good use of it. Perhaps that will come later.
I’ve done a lot of reading and thinking about writing my memoir, particularly earlier in the year. And I’ve made some progress with my picture book projects and completed some good artwork. I am determined not to lose sight of those goals. I also thought of another picture book that I look forward to doing but have decided I need to finish what I’ve started first.
I also succeeded, for the 6th year in a row, to make my own illustrated Christmas card. I think this year’s was perhaps even better than ever. One thing I have become aware of is that in the past, despite my desire to draw I could never envision or decide what I wanted to draw. I could only seem to copy, and never create from scratch. It is remarkable to me now that I can visualize pictures in my head and then create them. I have also thought a lot about the fact that I have never gotten in the habit of drawing on a daily basis and I know the daily practice would help me. I tend to only be able to work on a project towards completion, rather than just drawing for the sake of drawing. Something to think about.
I have for some reason (mainly due to a simple lack of time) let my piano teaching go by the wayside. I’d like to start playing more myself too but have to accept that I cannot do everything and sometimes I have to choose where to spend my time and attention. One thing that is kind of interesting (to me) is that there are many times that I will realize I am hearing music in my head. Not like an “earworm” of something playing that I’ve heard before. It is more like hearing a distant radio playing; it’s never anything I have heard before and often I will think the music is coming from somewhere external only to realize it is in my head. The music is always different; sometimes I can summon it at will. I think it’s kind of cool and I am convinced that I could be capable of composing my own music if I only knew how to record it.
Other little creative pastimes include discovering and getting interested in tarot cards. I love the artwork, the historical context, and it is fun. I also have done some thinking about jewelry-making. I have done that in the past and I know I’d enjoy that. I do think about things like this quite often, as my curiosity leads me to be interested in many things.
I have kept up my blog, my monthly 31-point-plans, and have this year typed and posted all of my old poetry. I intend soon to get my artwork moved over to my blog as well and then re-design my business website.
One thing that I did this year that may be considered “creativity” is that when I was going over these old PCs in my initial assessment regarding Dalton’s computer build, I recalled that I had saved all of the condolence emails for my mother on my old computer. I was terrified that I would not be able to retrieve them, but luckily I did recover them. I then proceeded to do what I should have done 5 years ago and printed them out and assembled the “memorial” binder we had purchased for that purpose. That is an unfinished project that is now done.
Community/Spirit
I am lumping these two categories together, only to say that I really have nothing to talk about here. I am happy and feel that I am connected to the planet and all that share it with me. My soul is mostly peaceful and I try to spend time in commune with nature daily.
Therapy/Mental Health/Growth
This year required a lot from me – patience, determination, fortitude, and forbearance. It was hard and at times my spirits got pretty low. But I got through it and we all learn and grow from adversity. While it perhaps would’ve been useful to seek therapy during this time, I honestly didn’t feel that I had the clarity of thought, time, or energy to do anything more than what was required of me. I took care of what was important and I tried to keep myself calm with rest and mediation as much as I could. I have learned the ability of always being able to summon gratitude and in many ways I do feel that I have grown in many ways.
And, just as an aside:
I think I have found a new motto: In the words of J.R.R. Tolkien,
“Not all those who wander are lost.”
Unfinished Business
Once again, I list here the task of getting the garage sorted out and all my things organized and dealt with. While I’ve made some progress, it is still a big job and now it seems even more crucial than ever to get it done once and for all. Aside from that, I also still/again need to make a serious (and hopefully final) attempt to quit smoking. The only other bit of unfinished business that I can think of is the ongoing task of seeing Dalton through his schooling and improving his quality of life, and this will probably not be finished for a few more years.
As for my Goals, other than quitting smoking and organizing the garage, I did fairly well with accomplishing most of my goals this past year.
Finally – what do I see as the “keyword” for the year 2014:
COPING