I just re-read the things I wrote last week about ADD and giftedness, etc. I love to research, learn, and explore new ideas. And I am recalling the sense of “bliss” and serenity that I experienced for the better part of the week. I would like to learn how to recapture that at will.
There are some things that I want to explore and understand this morning. One thing that occurs to me is that in discovering one has ADD, there is a process – or has been for me anyway.
First, there are all the years of struggle and frustration and pain. Then, the diagnosis of ADD brings a sense of relief in that it goes a long way towards understanding my self and my past. But along with that relief, there is also pain and sadness – and difficulty in trying to reconcile myself with the idea of being afflicted by a “disorder” – because while it does make sense, it also conflicts with my sense of self. It is very uncomfortable to accept having what is considered a “disability.” However, in doing so, one also learns. It forces me to view myself with total honesty in an attempt to understand. A lot of emotions surface: self-righteous anger and resentment, for one thing; determination, for another thing – but not the same kind of determination to overcome and succeed according to the “old” non-ADD rules, but rather determination to succeed according to one’s own “lights” and according to one’s own rules, which I am finally starting to be able to accept as valid.
And at this point, I start to see my strengths instead of my weaknesses and difficulties. I become aware of my talents and abilities. I can now view my past in a different context. I actually had a lot of “successes,” despite the fact that I always discounted them – probably due to the fact that nothing really conformed to a non-ADD view of what success is. But I was always able to do well what I found myself doing. My failure was in not persisting in whatever it was. Because I found myself unhappy and could not continue on whatever path I was on, I saw myself as failing. I certainly did not get rich financially, but I can say that I got “rich” in experience and knowledge. Is experience for the sake of itself, valuable? Who determines what is of value; it’s an individual thing – or is it?
I can now say that I have basically reclaimed my “power.” I no longer feel or consider myself “disabled” or “damaged.” I feel completely competent. I have mostly always been able to do whatever I set out to do and have done it well. If there is ever anything that I cannot do, or that I am “not good at,” I believe it is either because I haven’t yet learned it, or because those things have never had an intrinsic value to me. If I cannot do something, it is either because I am going at it the wrong way, because I lack information, or because deep-down, the required motivation is not there. I believe that all things are a matter of choice – even if one is not aware that they have chosen.
But – given the fact that my motivations have caused problems; particularly – if not solely – in the area of financial management, then I need to find the motivation that will enable me to choose to do whatever is necessary to overcome this challenge – in order to not cause myself or others fear, pain, and difficulty. I am not sure why my motivation there is lacking – it gets all tied up in feelings of anger and resentment. I think this must come from a lack of knowledge and my belief that the only way I will ever have any money is if I sacrifice myself, my goals, my dreams, the things that are important in my very soul. And I think it is this belief that causes the problem. Unfortunately, I do not have any fuel to change that belief.
The only thing I know – what has been programmed into me from the beginning, and what is, for all I know just the way the world works, is and has always been virtually unacceptable to me.
Perception is everything and if I perceive that something is not possible, then that becomes the reality. So I have a brick wall in front of me when it comes to this problem. And I am not talking about spending being the problem; it is a question of earning that is the problem. I have always believed the answer is “out there” but I have always found it totally illusive. I simply need more information. This might sound crazy to some, but it makes perfect sense to me. And I have come much further in my understanding than ever before.
It is this very conflict, in a nutshell, that is the basis for all my underlying pain and suffering where money is concerned. This is the issue that has always tied my brain up in knots.
My hope has been that with this gift of receiving disability income, I will have some time and space to figure out this thing. And that is where I am now. I am not looking at my precarious financial situation as being the end-all of how my future will be. I am viewing this as a temporary respite until I reach this still-somewhat-nebulous place I want to be. I know that I cannot stay in this situation for years on end without something changing; I do know that.
And here I have solved one area of consternation for me: I had determined that I need to, and would earn a certain amount each month in addition to disability. However, I have not been able so far to consistently work as much as I had determined. What I have realized, though, is that if I cannot manage to work any more than I ever could, is that really surprising? That is why I applied for disability in the first place. And also, just because I make myself work a certain numbers of hours a week, that does not mean I will earn any more than I always earn each year because that will not change unless I change something else: like obtain more clients. Otherwise, it makes no difference. The same amount of work gets done. It was rather silly of me to expect that it would be different. So I either have to make this WORK, or I need to change something. But I believe that I can make it work and find what I am seeking; I have to.
I think the bottom line is that money does not motivate me. That may be highly unusual, but it’s true. Money is not a motivator for me at all. What motivates me to work is the fulfillment of someone’s expectations; if someone is counting on me, that motivates me – whether they pay me or not really doesn’t matter at the most basic level – or if I find the work itself intrinsically valuable in and of itself, that motivates me. So if this is all true, then I’ve been looking at it backwards. If it is what I do, and/or for whom I do it, or for some purpose other than simply to earn money – if that is what motivates me, then it is simply a matter of doing something that I find valuable, or that someone else finds valuable enough to pay me for. The money should come as a natural consequence, a natural result of what I do. But it’s the “doing” that must hold value – to me. I simply have to have it in my head the right way. That is how I will overcome that challenge.
And this tells me that the knowledge I need to obtain is to learn what carries value to me; i.e., what do I enjoy doing – that others might find value in. That is a new perspective for me. And so as I explore and discover myself, this can be my goal. And in the meantime, I just need to maintain and make things work.
It becomes easy for me to see just why I’ve had so much trouble working. If money does not motivate me, then it is obvious why it has felt near impossible for me to persist at doing things that are repugnant to me. That I’ve been as successful as I have is an enormous achievement in that sense. But it’s also been life-stealing. It makes life a living hell. So, not only is the concept of “work” repugnant to me, but so is the concept of “money.” And there is the nature of my problem.
It has been said that if you do what you love, the money will come. That needs to be the message that guides me. So what things do I love to do? Wow, that sounds like a fun journey.
You know – I’ve been told all my life that you do what you must do even if you don’t like it. Thousands (millions?) of people go to work every day to a job they don’t like. They call it “responsibility.” There’s my other problem. If I do not wish to be irresponsible – and I don’t – I have been told that this is what I must “accept.” I have fought this belief all my life – not very successfully. I have believed it a defect in me – a lack of character – that I do not want to accept this. Everything in me rebels at that notion. I refuse to accept that life is so unfriendly and mean. But I don’t want to accept, either, that I am selfish and arrogant at thinking I can somehow escape that sentence or that I am “too good” for it. I don’t think anyone should accept such a thing.
And it’s not like I haven’t done my fair share. I am capable of doing what I find unpleasant, trust me – I have had all too much experience with that. That is pretty much all I know. I cannot help what I find unpleasant. How can I change that? Either you like something or you don’t. Is that a character fault; that you dislike something? To me, it seems a character defect that you would continue and persist in doing things you dislike! What value is there in that? What is the motivation; to be a martyr? Are we a society of martyrs? For what purpose or benefit would that be? Or could it be that most people do not totally hate what they do? I don’t believe that most people could do what I have done in terms of forcing themselves to do something so hateful when there is no intrinsic motivation, and only an extrinsic necessity that may or may not be required in one’s perception (or example, for me, the extrinsic “necessity” of earning a living). Does this make me a hero? But I have no more desire to be a hero than I do a martyr.
I believe that everyone deserves a life of happiness and fulfillment – not only do we all deserve it, but I believe it is our obligation to try; that we are alive to live, learn, love, share and be the free and unique individuals that we are; that we should strive to be who we really are and that has nothing to do with money. It may be true that money is as necessary a part of our lives and as much of a requirement as food and shelter – since money IS, after all, what is required for food and shelter – but it is not money that fulfills us as human beings. And if money is my only perceived “disability” as my sister will say, then I need to change my perceptions about money. I need to put things in the right order. Do what you love, be who you are, and the money will come. I am capable of doing whatever I choose to do; that must then include earning enough money.
I have enough right now to live on. I will get where I want to go. I refuse to entertain negative thoughts or emotions. If I am mindful of my goals and who I am, then everything I do is acceptable. If I spend my time today writing instead of working, I must trust that I will fulfill my work obligations at the right time when it is needed. I must follow my muse, my motivations, when they are in line with my overall goals. I must stay connected to who I am and not run in circles feeling guilty or angry or sad. I can make my life work. I can be beautiful, successful and free.
Money and Time: two things that seem so intangible and strangely abstract to me….