Pain, glorious pain – I drown myself in the ecstasy of pain. The music bangs out the rhythm of my soul and carries me through the waves of agony. There’s a fine line between pleasure and pain; can I turn my pain into pleasure?
Pain, it’s an odd addiction – mostly absent for many years; is it back? I used to wallow in this pain; use sex and drugs and rock ‘n roll to treat it.
What is this pain – psychic agony, existential angst; it is agony, frustration, anguish – it makes me want to scream and beat my head against the wall and break something. It often fuels my sexual desire. It is excruciating at times.
Why this addiction – perhaps because it’s a better alternative to Numbness. Numbness, fear, or pain – pain feels better than fear.
I don’t want to be a victim. I don’t feel like a victim; I want to DO something –or should I just wallow in my pain…. I have never ultimately known what to do with it, this pain, desperation, angst – I have always eventually fallen into depression and apathy.
But NOW – I want my pain to do something for me; to take this ENERGY and let it somehow work for me; instead of dying a numbing death, only to pop up again when least expected.
The music in my head plays loudly. I go inward and fail to notice anything external; go on automatic pilot – am somewhere outside of my body (or stuck inside my head). Pain is my fuel; can it not be redirected to fuel something wonderful instead?
It makes me feel powerful; full of energy, overflowing. But I have no direction for it to go! It is an ecstasy of a sort. It brings anger, defiance; but all I do is pace and cry.
And what exactly does it mean to “take care” of one’s self: I eat when I’m hungry. I sleep when I am tired. I bathe when I am dirty. What else is there? Just pain…