I have just started reading “The Memoir Project,” by Marion Roach Smith.
And the first thing the author talks about is that one needs to first decide what one’s memoir is about; e.g., it is a comedy, tragedy, etc., with the illustration of which being one’s own life.
But when I think about my project, what can I say? Well, I see mine as being part personal story and part fantasy. Specifically, it is about becoming myself in terms of writing and being creative, with the issues of ADHD, family dysfunction, personal growth – and what I call “life with a bugwump.” And that’s about all I know.
The author says there are three rules of memoir: 1) Tell the truth; 2) Every page needs to drive the story forward; and 3) The context must be one to which the reader can relate (i.e., universal themes, etc.). She says “make it small. Make it rare. Make it a First” (for the reader). She suggests starting with a 750-word personal essay; “when you write an essay you tackle a scene.” And to “choose your details.”
It has become very clear to me as I read this book, that I really need to decide what exactly my story is about. I’ve always been so fuzzy and vague about this; I do not really know the answer to that question. Every time I have worked on it I have changed focus, and have had trouble by thinking I need to somehow put my whole life in there, which is extremely overwhelming. But perhaps I do not have to be vague and overwhelmed and confused. I have feared that my difficulty stems from my ADHD, in which case it is possibly an impossible task that I will never be able to accomplish despite my longings. But in reading this book it appears that my experience with writing is very normal and common and that I can learn how to do this, just like anybody else. And this makes me feel more hopeful. If I can really learn how to pin down specifics in order to gain enough clarity to produce what I want to produce – and this can be applied to any type of writing I want to do – then this feels quite miraculous. It is hard for me to believe that I might be capable of enough clarity and not be overwhelmed in the fog. This is what I have always wanted. There is always so much information in my brain that I never know what to do with it, how to organize it and get it down!
But with all these books I’ve been reading lately it feels like I am somehow getting ready to write.
Originally I was wanting to write a blog post about my father’s having Aspberger’s and how that might relate to my ADD and how it seems to all connect. I went through the book about that and then started reading back in some of my ADD books in order to refresh my knowledge and connect to those thoughts. And I think that I didn’t even know that this was kind of what my “bugwump” book will be about until now. I started writing this story long before I ever knew anything about ADD or Aspberger’s, or much about myself really at all. I just knew it was about my deep desire and longing to write and the emptiness, the hole in my soul. And while I used to believe that that hole was a lack of love, I now believe it was from being cut off from who I am supposed to be. The love that was missing was love for the Creative Being that I am. And the fantasy segments were always sort of about that too, my soul’s crying out for solace. In the fantasy parts I would morph into a sort of angel, a being of light and eternity and pure love. And the “bugwump” also represented me – that part of me that is ADD and that feels damaged, defective, unacceptable and WRONG somehow; growing up with a strange dad and a messed-up crazy childhood where I frequently felt like I was losing my mind because nothing made sense. The final idea has always been that of acceptance and healing, of coming into myself somehow; integration of all that is me – the angel/creative being and the challenged one (bugwump); to transcend it all and be free. To not have a gaping hole in my heart.
That is the goal of my story and maybe the reason I could never get anywhere with it is because I wasn’t “there” yet, not quite ready in my real life. And maybe I’m still not completely there, but perhaps I can now begin to see it and perhaps I can start to write it. I long to write this story. But I was trying to put everything in there and none of it was really working. So now I know better, but I need to continue to read this book so I know how to proceed. I still do not know how to start it. But as the author recognizes, writing memoir is not an easy thing and it is not.
And here’s a weird thing, but I’ve always felt that the FACT of my writing and finishing this “bugwump” book will actually be the act of transcendence that is the GOAL of the book. Kind of a circular thing: writing a book about writing the book that I am writing. Very weird. But intriguing, if I can pull it off and do it well. But the fact of whether I can in fact do this is still a matter of purely blind faith.
As I wrote in my journal this morning, and what has been a common subject these last few weeks, is how hard it is still to be quitting smoking. I hate how I feel and I long to feel “normal” again. I have been telling myself that I must have Faith that I will feel better at some point. And now I talk about having Faith that my memoir will somehow get written. And I also must have Faith that I still have enough time left in my life to accomplish my dearest goals. My biggest, all-time, worse fear is that I will run out of time, never having managed to do what is most important to me. I have had that fear my whole life, even when I was quite young. I guess I have lived my whole life pretty much on Faith in many ways. And Faith may serve its purpose, but I would frankly rather have FACT. And I am grateful for books, which are very good at providing Facts!
Finally, one thing I have noticed lately, that sometimes when I’m really relaxed, nearly dozing, I find myself doing a kind of “writing” in my head. I have had a lot of thoughts and memories going through my head and sometimes I seem to come up with the most perfect words. I just have to hope it’s all still in there when I want to actually write!
I am so spaced out, spending so much time just lying on the couch. But I am enjoying the reading I am doing. I am looking forward to actually writing this project of mine though. I think I will want to pull out everything I have previously written on this and go through it all, perhaps marking anything that seems to be worth keeping, and then just get rid of the rest. I think I will need to start fresh and I’ve been in the process of visualizing it. I can probably keep most of those odd fantasy sections; I’m starting to see how I can integrate those into my story by putting those in after scenes that contain some emotion that could lead to my fantasizing particular things. I remember fear and pain and longing – god I wrote those parts so many years ago! But I do remember and I do believe I can do this. I can feel it coming. And I have always felt that once this book is written it will somehow free me to write all the other stories I want to do.
But this on
e is the catalyst. At least this is how it feels. Maybe I will need to write this book before I can manage to publish my children’s picture books too. I do not know. But in truth, it does make sense – because it is about my believing in myself, and that is the key.