3/14/2009

Posted on March 14, 2009 by Linda

We’re working on the “Integrity Tone Scale” – and in a discussion about “Fear,” we are asked to write about the following:

Fear of Catastrophic Outcome

I don’t believe I’ve ever let fear stop me from doing something I’ve wanted to do.  I have always made myself step out in fear – because I know that fear cannot hurt me.  I have lived with a lot of fear in my life and it is very familiar to me, but I learned very young to bite the bullet and do it anyway.  Am I brave?  Or just stupid?

I know Fear, I live Fear, but I ignore it, I fight it, I confront it.  I have always had to do that and learned that I could, that I would survive.  Otherwise, I would have never done anything.  And I have done a lot of things in my life.

It seems to me that my biggest fear is, and has always been, fear of poverty and homelessness.  One would think I would just go get a job and do what is the obvious thing.  But I think I have a Bigger Fear than that.  I fear COMPROMISE.  Fear of crushing my spirit, sacrificing my soul.  I cannot handle having to live against my personal sense of ethics and integrity – I would rather be poor.  I know that seems crazy.  I have many times despaired of this conflict.

But maybe I’ve been missing something here.  What am I REALLY afraid of?  Believing in my ability to succeed at what I consider my true calling?  If that is so, what should I do about it?

Well, how about: #1) apply for disability income to get me through; #2) discover what I can do, make a plan, get support; and #3) DO what I’ve determined I should and desire to do.  If I succeed – hooray.  If I don’t?  I’ll have disability and current work efforts to fall back on.  And I can revise my plans and goals and Try Again.

Note:  someone pointed out that “a bird has to have resistance in order to fly;” otherwise they’d just fall.  I like this thought.

Another topic we discuss is about “keeping agreements” and determining ways that we may be “out of integrity” with ourselves.  We are asked to make a list of five such things that are “out of integrity.”  Here is my list:

  1. The state of my house/garage
  2. Overdue for doctor/dental visits
  3. Doctor/dental visits for my son
  4. My financial condition
  5. Pursuing my dreams/creativity

We also talked about Envy – Jealousy, and self-esteem.

About scarcity thinking/negativity vs. unrealistic/over-optimism (All or Nothing).  And about being “too lazy to take note of your own talents and put them to use.”

And then there are the “Laws of Attraction.”  “What did I not do today to make myself be awesome?  What can I do today to make myself feel awesome?”

 

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Integrity Tone Scale

Posted on March 14, 2009 by Linda

The “Integrity Tone Scale” is part of a course, designed in the 1970s, which my therapist has shared with those of us in her ADD group and with which we have been working at different times. I created my own copy of the Integrity Tone Scale (it is identical to the original, just a neater, cleaner copy than what I was given):

For a first “assignment,” we were given the following:

ITShomework

And here is what I put on the cover of the binder I use for this course; it seemed appropriate:  

There is also some information online about this program if you do a Google search.  I really like this stuff and it really rings True for me.

 

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3/4/2009

Posted on March 4, 2009 by Linda

Three little things I want to make note of this a.m.:

Last night in an email, my sister said, “ah… to be a kid – the exquisite enjoyment of stomping in puddles.”  I like that.

Then when I got up this morning and went out to smoke, there was an exquisite rainbow across the sky from one end to the other.

Petaluma valley, rainbow

And finally, as I sat here waiting for Dalton to get ready for school, gazing out the window – Dalton was playing a computer game and there was music playing on it, and outside on the back fence I watched two little birds who appeared to be doing the mating dance, and it seemed they danced to the music.  It went on a long time – the male puffed up and strutting, the female coming close, then backing off again, as if she was being coquettish – and seemingly dancing to the music.  I think they were mockingbirds, like the one who always greets me in the morning sitting at the top of the tallest plum tree and singing up a storm.

     

And I never used to really notice things like this.  Never paid attention.  But an artist, a writer – must pay attention.  LIFE requires we pay attention.  And so I must learn.

I am struggling to get things done, trying to figure out how to schedule my time.  I wonder if I’d do better choosing one major area of focus per day, instead of trying to keep to a schedule of doing all these different things daily.  Because I’m not doing so well at that.  And I have been feeling more inept and dysfunctional than ever.  Am I worse?  If so, is it my age, or is it because I’m trying to convince myself I’m worthy of getting disability; or is it that I have always been this way but unable or unwilling to perceive the truth?  I never before would admit to my failings, I would hide it.  Now I don’t.  So I feel pathetic.  I don’t know what is true right now.  It’s all just very weird.  And hard.

Perhaps I’ll just do the things I KNOW I have to do, like take a shower.  And then just go from there.  Otherwise I’ll just waste too much time trying to figure out what to do and end up with no time left to do anything.  That happens much too often, and then, often the depression sinks in, and that’s no good.  So I’ll pray for the alternative – productivity.

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2/23/2009

Posted on February 23, 2009 by Linda

On Saturday afternoon, after a nap – my son was off playing with a friend – I started writing my “morning pages.”  Now I have done this type of thing for most of my life, writing in journals.  Sometimes I’ve written very religiously but often my writing has been sporadic.  This will serve to keep me in the habit of daily writing.

So in the process of writing on Saturday, I began thinking about the fact that if my excuse to never be able to do any of the creative things I want to do has been a lack of time, then right now that shouldn’t be the case – that I actually DO have the time right now.  So I started thinking about things I could do, for fun:  like work on some of the little writing projects I have started and never finished, or drawing – just sitting down and drawing, for fun.  Or I could pull out my piano books and my son’s electronic keyboard and see what I can do.

And something occurred to me.  As I was writing about the fact that I could actually do some of these things – things that I always felt unjustified in doing, like that it was irresponsible of me, self-indulgent – and here I had a word that I wanted, but couldn’t think of it.  You know how sometimes you know there is a “perfect” word for what you want to say but you just can’t think of it – well I thought and thought and drove myself crazy.  And then the word popped into my head, as it always does.  And I was very startled and surprised when I knew what the word was that I’d been looking for.  The word was “decadent.”

I looked it up:

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/decadence
moral degeneration or decay; turpitude.
unrestrained or excessive self-indulgence.

CREATIVE PURSUITS ARE DECADENT???  That is absurd!  No wonder I have never felt comfortable with my “art;” I didn’t want to be guilty of “MORAL TURPITUDE!” 😀

And I was just completely shocked to find that I felt this way.  But then I started thinking, No Wonder.  The way I was raised, the only satisfactory way to be was to conform to this little “box.”  Obviously, I never did conform to being in a little box, but I honestly tried to “do the right thing.”  And the confusing thing was that life skills and ethics were all mixed up with morals, and none of it was very clear.  I’m sure my parents never intended to make me feel this way about my creativity; I don’t imagine they ever even gave it much thought.  But it was important to me and whether it was meant or not, these feelings emerged.  And the more my artistic interests were ignored (or even scorned), the more damage I sustained.  It was devastating.  From my earliest childhood, I somehow began to form the belief that the things I liked, the things I LOVED, the things that were important to me, were not acceptable.  Sure, a little creativity was OK  but it was just “fluff around the edges,” one certainly should not be so irresponsible as to put any real importance on such frivolous things.  And that was especially true for a “Christian,” because our only directive was to “prepare for the coming of Christ.”

Well, I failed miserably at all of that.  As much as I thought I wanted to, I was unable to believe in such “truths.”  I was unable to accept that it was required to live life in a way that did not offer happiness or self-fulfillment, whatever that might mean.  So I essentially felt DOOMED.  And I have lived most of my life trying to combat an overwhelming, chronic case of underlying MISERY.

So, could all my years of pain and failure and serious depression be simply a case of blocked creativity – due to a subconscious belief that it was a “moral failing?”  That blows my mind!  I have had my fair share of “real” moral failings, and I’ve overcome those, so what’s to stop me now?

So this has been an awakening.  And I will see where it leads me.  Do you know that by the time I was 17, I could no longer play the piano?  I was completely BLOCKED.  I was 17 when I painted my last painting.  I did, however, continue to write, although I was not able to write the way I wanted to, and I wrote of pain and longing instead of the stories and things I wished I could write but was unable to believe in my ability to write.  But I journaled and I wrote poetry – lots of “dark,” lonely poetry.  Some of it I’ve thought could be songs – if I knew how to compose the music.

Another interesting thing.  When I was married and ended up joining my husband in smoking cocaine, I was aware that the drugs affected me differently than other people I observed.  It seemed to remove some of my “blocks.”  I suddenly found myself writing and drawing after years of not being able to.  I actually wrote some things that I believe are quite good.  I think the main reason that I had such difficulty stopping the drugs was because of how it affected me creatively, more than anything else.  Not that I am trying to plead a case for doing drugs, it was a horrible way to live and I will never again go down that road.  But I learned some things through that experience.  And I  know how all this relates to ADD and that ADD drugs are meant to accomplish similar results.  In fact, when I was finally diagnosed with ADD and given medication, I had high hopes that it would help me in this way.  There has been some improvement, but not enough to satisfy.

Anyway, yesterday I actually sat down and planned in my Planner, and had a very productive day.  Today I intend to do likewise.  I am feeling somewhat optimistic.

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2/20/2009

Posted on February 20, 2009 by Linda

I’ve been seeing Molly to help me cope with the loss of my Mother.  She has advised me to be good to myself and perhaps work on “The Artist’s Way” again, and in particular, to give myself the benefit of “artist dates,” spoken about in the book.  Following an appointment with her, I was inspired to share with her my experiences (in an email to her):

First of all, I wanted to tell you that when I left your place yesterday, I was pleased to find myself in a different mood and was finally able to stop the music that was continually playing and was able to listen to something different.  The song that I couldn’t stop playing – in actuality and in my head, was “Pleasure and Pain.”  [See “Earworms,” 2013]

I love this song but it was keeping me stuck in a weird space, but when I left I was “unstuck,” so thank you!

Yesterday I started to compile a list of “unfinished business” but was having trouble.  I continually have a hard time pinpointing specific things – it feels like my whole life, whole world, is just this one big case of “unfinished business.”  And then it occurred to me that the bulk of what I feel is “unfinished” is simply various organizing tasks – and I believe that as I start getting organized, different tasks and projects will occur to me as I come across things that spark my memory.  So I guess it will be an ongoing work in progress.  I also got confused as to whether these “unfinished” tasks should be “Must Do’s,” “Should Do’s,” or “Want-to-Do’s,” and if I should organize them that way.  I think I spent too much time thinking about this, if truth be known. …

And then we come to “The Artist’s Way.”  I found my book along with the notebooks that I used in working the course.  And this was interesting – the first time I started this course was nearly 10 years ago.  Late summer 1999, and I was pregnant with Dalton.  I only got through Week #4 however, but I think I know why.

First of all, I am telling you these things because I feel that I want and/or need to – as part of opening up and being Truthful.  Where I was at that time was coming from a two-year drug addiction, suddenly finding myself pregnant and abruptly stopping all drugs, alcohol, everything.  The truth was that I had been desperately wanting out of my addiction and to change my life, and I prayed.  I prayed for a baby.  And three months later I learned that I was three months pregnant; this, after three years of trying to get pregnant without success.  To me, this was a miracle, and a very definite answer to prayer.  To me, it meant that I was being given a second chance; that I was meant to survive; so I became determined to heal and to survive – for my baby and because this chance had been given to me.

My husband would not quit doing drugs.  And by god, I know it isn’t easy, because I suffered, I went through hell.  I was later told by my doctor that it was amazing that I was able to quit like I did, that many women are not able to.  But for me – I felt like I had no choice in the matter.  I did not deserve a baby if I was not going to quit.  I would not risk my baby.

But it was hard and very painful.  I was wracked with remorse and self-contempt.  I had to plunge to the bottom of my soul and somehow come to terms with everything, to accept, to own my problems, failures, actions and sins – and to FORGIVE.  And then I could accept forgiveness from the Universe and know that from that point forward, nothing else mattered but NOW.  I might not be able to fix the past, but I could certainly choose my present course and who I would be.

And I got through it.  I felt like I was waking up from a long, dark tunnel.  I started on a path of self-healing and self-discovery.  I read books.  In two months, I read 32 books.  I know, because I documented it.  And I started on “The Artist’s Way.”  I spent most of my time in bed during my pregnancy.  I slept most the day and I stayed up most the night reading.  This was partly due to the fact that my husband was often up all night doing drugs and thus I couldn’t sleep.  He often had people in the house and I could hear them partying downstairs.  It was not pleasant for me.  And things got worse.

By the time I had essentially quit doing “The Artist’s Way,” things were very difficult.  My mother drove me to all my doctor appointments and to the grocery store and everything.  We did not have a car at that time, my husband had gotten it impounded or something.  And the phone was cut off until my sister did something to make sure I had a phone.  She took care of this from California (I was in Kansas).  My husband was gone a lot, sometimes days at a time.  This was because I had made it clear that I did not want people in my house doing drugs anymore.  I still had hopes that he would straighten up but it wasn’t looking good, I was not happy.  (But it would take me two years to leave him.)

The second time I started doing “The Artist’s Way,” it was one year later. Dalton was a baby.  My husband was in jail/drug rehab.  So I started it again and this time I got to Week #6.  But then my husband got out of jail/rehab and came home.  He got a job but started doing drugs again.  And it was at this point that he started to become abusive.  My life soon became nearly unbearable when he was home.  I walked on eggshells, I was afraid of him.  I started making plans to leave him.  When I did leave, I spent the bulk of the next year trying to find a home for myself and my baby and figure out how to support us, it was hard.  Two years later I moved here to California with my son and my mother.

The third time I started doing “The Artist’s Way” was after we were here in this house, sometime in 2003 or 2004.  And it appears that all I did this time was to read the book and not do the exercises.  My bookmark was in the middle of the chapter for Week #11.  I hardly remember any of it.

One thing that I recalled when looking through this stuff was that I had done another book concurrently with “The Artist’s Way.”  And I remember that there was a lot of synchronicity in doing those two books together.  This other book, “Simple Abundance,” is also wonderful.  It even references “The Artist’s Way” in places.

I am very happy to be doing this again.  I really, really want to finish it this time.  I feel good about it.  Yesterday I read the Introduction but didn’t get any further than that because I’d spent the time reading my previous “morning pages.”  But I felt better yesterday evening.  When my son was home from school we spent some quality time together being silly and it’s been a long time since I felt calm and peaceful enough to be like that with him.  And I stayed calm throughout the evening for the most part, although I didn’t sleep very well last night for some reason.

In any event, although I have spent some time here this morning writing this, I feel that I needed to do this and I intend to go now and read more in the book and do my “morning pages.”  And then I will tackle the rest of the tasks for the day.  Although I am still unclear on what my “unfinished business” is – but like I said, perhaps if I do some organizing first, it will spark my brain.

Thank you for all your help.  I am full of hope for better times ahead.

 

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PAIN

Posted on February 19, 2009 by Linda

Pain, glorious pain – I drown myself in the ecstasy of pain.  The music bangs out the rhythm of my soul and carries me through the waves of agony.  There’s a fine line between pleasure and pain; can I turn my pain into pleasure?

Pain, it’s an odd addiction – mostly absent for many years; is it back?  I used to wallow in this pain; use sex and drugs and rock ‘n roll to treat it.

What is this pain – psychic agony, existential angst; it is agony, frustration, anguish – it makes me want to scream and beat my head against the wall and break something.  It often fuels my sexual desire.  It is excruciating at times.

Why this addiction – perhaps because it’s a better alternative to Numbness.  Numbness, fear, or pain – pain feels better than fear.

I don’t want to be a victim.  I don’t feel like a victim; I want to DO something –or should I just wallow in my pain….  I have never ultimately known what to do with it, this pain, desperation, angst – I have always eventually fallen into depression and apathy.

But NOW – I want my pain to do something for me; to take this ENERGY and let it somehow work for me; instead of dying a numbing death, only to pop up again when least expected.

The music in my head plays loudly.  I go inward and fail to notice anything external; go on automatic pilot – am somewhere outside of my body (or stuck inside my head).  Pain is my fuel; can it not be redirected to fuel something wonderful instead?

It makes me feel powerful; full of energy, overflowing.  But I have no direction for it to go!  It is an ecstasy of a sort.  It brings anger, defiance; but all I do is pace and cry.

And what exactly does it mean to “take care” of one’s self:  I eat when I’m hungry.  I sleep when I am tired.  I bathe when I am dirty.  What else is there?  Just pain… 

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2009 Goals (part 2)

Posted on February 18, 2009 by Linda

My goal for 2009 is to figure out how to rebuild my life – from the ground up; start over and do things “right.”  Specifically:

1)  I want to go through my whole house, get rid of things, pare down, simplify, get organized – starting with separating things to a) Keep; b) Donate; c) Sell; d) Trash/Recycle.  Then organize the things I chose to keep, and the things I chose to sell either on eBay or a garage sale, and getting rid of the rest.  I want to know what I have and keep it where I know where it is.

2)  After that is accomplished, I need to secure adequate income and find a place to live that serves my needs and that I can afford.  I want to have sufficient means to support myself and my son.  And I want a home that gives me enough space (my primary requirement), and that I am comfortable in.  My income at present is hinged upon whether I am approved for disability, plus the small amount I now earn in my current business endeavors.

3)  Once I am secure and settled in a home with my basic needs met, I want to work on how to achieve some satisfaction and balance in my life.  I want to explore the things I want to do, what I am able to do to produce an income, and hopefully doing what I enjoy and able to spend my time productively.  The things I want to do include writing (fiction, nonfiction, children’s books, poetry, etc.) and possibly commercial copywriting.  I’d like to try my hand at illustration and get back into drawing and painting.  I would love to get a piano again and play – possibly teach.  I would love to try composing/song writing.  There are lots of things – I just need to feel I have some freedom to explore.

Beyond all that, I need to learn what else may be lacking in my life towards achieving balance and continue learning how to manage my life better (including finances).  I have no more specifics at this point, but perhaps that will be determined at a later time.

 

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2009 Goals (part 1)

Posted on February 12, 2009 by Linda

2/12/2009 – What I want:

1.  A home – that I can afford.  In a decent neighborhood (school, neighbors, pets) and that is clean and comfortable and has enough room for me and Dalton to play and live well.  I need my “space.”  I need light and air and sunlight.  To not be afraid.

2.  Financial means – to cover living expenses, pay my bills on time, to be able to get what I need when I need it and once in a while to afford some “wants.”  To be able to buy birthday and Christmas gifts without going into debt.  To be debt-free and start putting something away for the future.  And to not be afraid.

3.  A car – that’s practical, dependable, affordable, roomy enough and comfortable, like a small-midsize SUV that’s economical so I don’t have to drive in fear.  

4.  Health care – insurance so we can avail ourselves of adequate medical/dental and be safe for emergencies, medications paid.

5.  Vocation/work – I need my time to be my own, to be here for my son when he needs me.  Space to work at home, doing what I enjoy and can do well, to attain satisfaction.  To not be frustrated and afraid or bored.  To find pleasure in my work.

Things I can do/want to do with my time:

  • Writing – fiction, nonfiction (articles, memoirs, etc.), children’s books
  • Copywriting (?)
  • Illustration – children’s books, greeting cards (and verse)
  • Painting/drawing
  • Music – composing/songwriting, piano – play/teach(?)
  • Creating things/ideas
  • Desktop publishing, doc creation, web design

FREEDOM

  • I want to sew again
  • exercise
  • a dog
  • I want to plant a garden, flowers

I want my child to learn how to eat!  And to be more helpful and cooperative.

I want “SB” to leave me alone except for his child support/parenting help.

I want Music.  I want Beauty.  I want Peace.  I want Fun.  I want Romance and Companionship.  I want to Feel Good.

doors

2/17/09 – Re-reading this (and other things) now tells me my goals have almost always been the same — except different:  I’m operating in a different space now. While some goals are more immediate (financial), in a sense I also have more room to move – more freedom of choice, less hindrance.

But I’m plagued by my emotions. Sadness, despair – fear, anguish, loss. I feel crippled. How do I cope?

  • Sadness and grief – love of my mother, now gone
  • Fear and anxiety re: my home and means to live
  • My future is a blank slate in many ways.
  • How do I function with all of this?
  • Lonely.  Depressed.  Bored?  No direction, no joy, no comfort, no solace.  JUST PAIN.
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1/20/2009

Posted on January 20, 2009 by Linda

My mother’s 79th birthday.  I made her a card.  I did not know that this would be her last birthday.

card-frontcard-inside

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Satisfaction Wheel 2008

Posted on January 3, 2009 by Linda
Wheel of Life

Satisfaction Wheel for 2008

Otherwise known as the “Wheel of Life.” I have found versions of this tool on the Internet.

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Goals Group 2008

Posted on January 3, 2009 by Linda

Goals Group at Molly’s.  I chose as my “witness of intentions” this item, which belonged to my maternal grandfather – I have always loved this thing.  It is sculpted out of brass and hangs on the wall.

Elephants represent to me:

  • Strength and Wisdom
  • Love and Loyalty – Enduring
  • Remembrance
  • Gentle Dignity

And we were also asked to bring a photo of ourselves.  I chose this one of me at three years old.  I actually remember always begging to be taught to play the piano.  I started taking lessons at age 6.  I stopped playing at about 18 yrs. old and forever after experienced an inability to play…

But today, one of the things Molly had us do is to use PENNIES to see how we spend our time.  The way this works is this:  Say you have a finite number of pennies and these represent the time, energy, and resources that you have on any given day.  Then you put pennies into various categories indicating where your time and energy goes until your pennies are all gone.  The more time and energy, etc., that you expend in a certain activity, for example, the more pennies you would put in that area.

I found that about 40% of my pennies went into “Relationships.”  This is obviously due to the fact that most of my resources go towards raising my son and caring for my mother.  It leaves very little for much else.  And I now realized that there is a fair amount of Negative Energy being consumed here in my fretting and worrying about others’ needs too much.  I need more Balance.  But my motivation is out of love, loyalty, and duty and I am satisfied at present to spend most of my “pennies” in this way, although there is some resentment from time to time.

Another large portion of my pennies went into “finance/money” as Negative Energy.  I expend a lot of energy on worry, fear, and frustration.  I estimated about 30% here.

Another area where I found that I use a lot of Negative Energy, thus taking up a lot of “pennies” is in the area of “home/physical environment.”  And this is due to my dissatisfaction with the chaos and lack of order and organization and also due to there being just simply way too much “stuff” and not enough space.  I have conflict about this because I feel very grateful to have this house but I am really not very happy with it.  I spend a fair amount of time wishing for a better situation and not enough time trying to work on trying to make it better.  I feel that I’m too busy trying to be responsible and take care of everyone else.

I spent very few pennies in the areas of “career,” “entertainment/social,” or “creativity,” the latter two much to my distress, and the first one much to my financial detriment.

After this exercise (during which I suffered a minor emotional meltdown due to how distressing I found it), we then compared the penny results to the “Wheel of Life” to see how much satisfaction we get from the things we spend the most pennies on.  It’s pretty obvious I do not have a lot of satisfaction in my life currently.

The next exercise was to answer the question “What does your heart long for?” by telling someone else for 8 minutes.  And these are the things I listed:

  • peace
  • fun
  • a sense of purpose
  • freedom to be me
  • a new house and a new car
  • to express my gifts and share them with the world – to be a published author
  • for somebody to really know me and love me and to be at peace with who I am
  • to know what I want
  • to get so time is not my enemy so I don’t feel like I am going to miss my life or get old and die before I know how to live
  • to be able to feel like I have really done a good job at something, to feel satisfaction
  • to get my Power back
  • for Clarity – a clear direction

And finally, to ask ourselves the following:

  1. What attributes will I need to work on this year to attain these intentions?
  2. What are some concrete steps to take in order to manifest my goals?
  3. What might I have to let go of – that’s hindering me?
  4. What risks might I have to take?
  5. What will help me feel ready to risk?

Important stuff here.  Lots to think about.

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2008 Summary

Posted on January 1, 2009 by Linda

In October of 2008, I wrote this:

 Single mom, trying to raise my son – very smart, very active, strong-willed and sometimes stubborn – all by myself; I volunteer at the school, involve him in sports, music lessons and lots of play-dates; he has lots of friends and talks incessantly.  I get so worn out and scattered; sometimes I feel like I am failing at being the kind of mom that I want to be.

Responsible for caring for and providing for my mother, including meal preparation, grocery shopping, pharmacy pickups, driving to medical appointments and taking her to church every week.  Helping her with miscellaneous things and listening to her chatter, trying always to accommodate her and meet her needs.  I increasingly feel resentful and irritable, but still, she is very dear and I worry for her.

Solely responsible for all housework and related tasks, pet care, yard work, laundry for the three of us, cleaning, maintenance, scheduling, paying bills – everything, it’s a huge job; chaos often reigns.

Trying to earn a living and pay for all expenses amidst everything else; financial situation often feels dire.  Trying to keep afloat two businesses, neither of which I am very successful with, nor which I really want to do.  Discouraged, bored, depressed.

Trying to take care of myself and carve out time to pursue creative and personal goals, find some joy, peace, and fulfillment.  Frustrated; feelings of guilt, resentment, and confusion.

I am challenged by hormonal issues (“perimenopause”) and trying to cope with being middle-aged.  Sometimes it is very difficult to hold myself together.

And then I started seeing Molly, joined her ADHD Group.  This causes me to re-evaluate my whole reality map, my perception about everything; constantly examine myself and what I am doing.

I feel completely dysfunctional.  Full of “existential angst” and discomfort, I am feeling depression, anger, fear, hopelessness – who am I?  I don’t know what I am doing.  All I ever do is to react and put out fires, always playing catch-up, I just try to be a decent parent if nothing else.

Feeling anger and depression about ADD – six years ago I discovered my ADD, got help, took my meds and have tried to do the best I can.  I didn’t really try to learn more about it.  But now I realize my “best” isn’t good enough – and there is so much more to learn.

In November of 2008, I wrote:

I think what it all comes down to is two-fold and basically simple:  (1) I lack basic life-management skills and have never learned how to deal with what are essentially ADD-unfriendly tasks:  organization, time management, and money.  I am not good at these things.  I am good at chaos, not that I like it; and (2) I have never known how to pursue a vocation that gives me joy and pleasure, I have always denied my true gifts.  And I have never had enough money.

Having a child is the only thing in my life that has ever made me feel worthwhile or important.  But that is not enough.  I have always felt like a failure despite the fact that I have had success with lots of things.  I did well at school.  I have done very well at every job I’ve ever had – my only failure has been to always end up bored and depressed and then not always show up when I was supposed to.  In fact, I have always been quite good at just about everything I’ve ever tried to do – at least for a while.   EXCEPT… manage money, manage time, keep things in order, be happy, and figure out what it is I want to do, and do it.  My enemies have always been time (passes too swiftly), money (means too little and there’s never enough), and frequent all-consuming boredom and frustration.

It appears I was the ADD Poster Child before anyone ever heard of ADD.  Can I please have twenty years back for wasted time?????!!!!!

I’ve always tried to be who I’ve thought I’m supposed to be instead of who I am; I’ve tried on so many different personaes, but nothing has ever been good enough.

I’ve always believed that if I could solve the puzzle of Money vs. Time – if I had more of both – then perhaps I could discover who I am and wow the world.

I want to share the beauty and wonder of life with my son and make his world magical.  Instead I’ve become stuck in the drudge, just trying to survive.

And I can’t teach my son about time or money management – ha! – no wonder we have the issues we do.

But I can encourage imagination and interests – the sky’s the limit in what he can do with his life.  I can encourage him to use his gifts.  Everyone in my family was an underachiever, ADD or not – all three of us.  Wonders, I’d be disadvantaged even without ADD it seems.  Because of GUILT:  unnecessary, nonproductive, EVIL.  Guilt is life-stealing.  Fear is also.  Life-stealing.

But, I can learn life skills; time, money, organization.  And pursue my dreams, my creativity, feed my soul.  Find an income solution that WORKS; that I can live with – that doesn’t make me sell my soul again.  I never, ever used to understand any of this, it was not logical.  Now I know WHY – after all these years, goodness gracious.

And here is an excerpt of what I wrote in December, for my Annual Summary:

The single most significant thing that has happened to me this year is that I sought out help for my ADD and I found Molly and joined this group.  It has opened up a whole world of possibilities to me; things that I had no hope of there ever being any resolution for.

My sister has indicated to me that she can already see many changes in me for the better.  What I am seeing and experiencing is that I am having to completely re-write my life-long perceptions of just about everything.  It’s almost like I’m re-routing neurons in my brain.  At times it has been extremely uncomfortable, even scary.  To realize that my view of the world has been flawed, is mind-boggling.  I have no solid ground to stand on.  But for the first time, I have some belief that things can change for the better in my life.

While I am suddenly being forced to face myself and my inadequacies head-on and admit my failings, at the same time I am learning to embrace what is good about me – to take ownership of my creative, nutty side as well and to feel good about expressing that part of myself.  ADD may have caused me enormous pain and problems in my life, but it also has gifted me with my unique perceptions and style.    If there are solutions to the problems, I can be grateful for the gifts.  And I guess that’s what it’s all about.

Every year we are asked to apply a word to represent the year.  This year, my word was:  “ENLIGHTENMENT.”

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12/10/2008

Posted on December 10, 2008 by Linda

Ugh, I’m sick.  I’ve got a bloody, nasty, miserable cold and I have no idea where I got it. But I do hope neither Mother nor Dalton succumbs.   And I also hope I get over it quickly.  No good to get sick as a Mom.  Can’t just stay in bed; still have to take care of responsibilities.

Mother has been extremely “chatty” today.  I wonder if she’s taking pain killers or something.  You know – it doesn’t seem like she used to always be so annoying like she’s become.  I don’t know, poor thing – she doesn’t have much in her life these days except for pain.  I guess the procedure yesterday didn’t work.  The next step may just be a pain pump.  Which goes against my – what, ethics?  What I mean is that I see all these people, particularly women, getting in these situations where they become reliant on pain meds.  And my belief is that it would be so much better to find and deal with the underlying cause of the pain, at the root, and fix it.  Otherwise you’re just dooming yourself to everlasting problems.  And drugs are rarely the solution.  Our bodies are strong and designed to heal themselves.  Drugs often only poison us.  And so often, I think, the mind causes sickness in the body:  Denial, anger, fear.  But Mother, at her age, really has small chance of combating what ails her; too many years of misuse, or rather DISUSE.  Her body has atrophied.  There’s no strength in it.  Yet her immune function seems to be fairly strong.

I believe our immune systems are capable of a lot if we take care of ourselves.  Not just what we put into our bodies, but equally important is how we use our bodies.  We need to move, be strong, and breathe the air.  Get our hearts pumping, move the blood and oxygen through our veins.  Feel the muscles, the ligaments, our joints and bones.  And what I believe is most important of all is how we think – the “psycho-chemical connection.”  We need to be happy, feel fulfilled and vibrant and alive.  Get those endorphins pumping, which serve to fuel us all over.  We need to keep our brains alive and stimulated, always learning and experiencing new things.  I believe we need love and fellowship to be fully happy and healthy; we are not meant to be alone and isolated.  We need to always feel our connection to each other, to the planet, the grass and the trees, the animals – we are all made of the same things.  We are all a part of our Universe.  The power of the Universe – that is God, to me – our entire collective consciousness, and it is at our disposal to heal us, strengthen us, and inspire us.   And that is very powerful.

Here I am sick, yet I believe I can tap into the power of the entire Universe, of which I am a part, and actually be well right now if I really wanted it, if I really believed it.  Which I do, or believe I do.

So for what reason would I choose to stay sick?  Do we sometimes get sick because we need a break, a time-out, a vacation?  I wouldn’t doubt it; kind of silly actually.  But we humans can be so silly about so many things.

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12/4/2008

Posted on December 4, 2008 by Linda

Tomorrow is my birthday.  I don’t really care.  (Or do I?)

I’m back in bed.  I worked on my manuscript this morning for close to two hours.  I have a hard time getting started on it.  Then I have a harder time stopping and getting it out of my mind.

I’m depressed.  I’ve got roughly two hours left to myself before school gets out and there are things I should do but I’m lacking motivation.  I’m tired.  But I need groceries and don’t have any way of paying for it.  There’s nothing to have for dinner tonight and nothing to put in D’s lunch tomorrow.  I feel destitute and demolished.  Demoralized, in despair.  And tomorrow is my birthday.  I feel like I’m in the middle of a nightmare and I can’t wake up.

This is not a good way to live.  This just all feels so unfair, and how can I fix this?  I suspect that whenever I feel like this – has it always been about money?  As in, the lack thereof?  No money and no hope of ever getting any, or having enough.  This has been a life-long quandary and a misery to me.  It boggles my brain, it baffles me.  It is excruciatingly painful and frightening and miserable.  And I continue to not understand it – which makes it feel even more hopeless and myself helpless.

What is this illusive answer?  The standard answers don’t help.  Logic tells me that I don’t have enough money because I am simply not earning enough.  So where is my confusion?  Am I simply unable to make a decent living?  So it would appear from my history.  But why?  Am I lazy?  No.  Am I crazy?  Perhaps.  Why is it so damn hard??

And why does it always seem to require me to hit bottom before I manage to do anything about it; and what I do is always only temporary.  I’m getting too old for this.  I want to go to sleep.  I don’t want to answer the phone.  I don’t want to pick up D, or take him to guitar lessons or have to fix dinner.  But I have no choice.  Just like I have no choice but to find a way to earn an adequate income.

 

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Dazed and Confused in the 21st Century…

Posted on October 10, 2008 by Linda

I get so confused.  So much of the time I just don’t even know who I am.  I will start believing myself to be the person I want to be and feel good about that for a time, and even get somewhere for a while, but then certain realities hit me.

I cannot handle that I am such a financial disaster.  I cannot live with it because it makes me feel so incredibly dysfunctional and stupid and selfishly “evil.”  Because, in my mind, I am not that way, and I cannot come to grips with, nor have I ever been able to understand, WHY it is that I have these problems and WHY it is that I can’t just solve them easily.  It’s Greek to me.  I can live with disorganization if I have to.  But why can’t I make enough money?  And I don’t need anyone to answer that question because it is really a no-brainer – just one that I somehow have a failing with.  But I am determined to not be a failure if I can just understand what my problem is and know how to fix it.  Why do I struggle?

There are lots of things about ADD that I can live with.  I know I get scattered and confused and distracted and pulled in a million different directions.  I know I lose things and forget things and get “lost” sometimes in something where hours disappear inexplicably.  I have worked on and gotten better at things like controlling my tongue, being on time, not interrupting as much, paying attention to people when they talk.  I’m not perfect but a lot better at a lot of those kinds of things.  I am more aware of how I am at any given moment instead of going around totally oblivious all the time like I used to.  But the thing is, right now in my life, I am an adult and I have a lot of responsibility and it makes no sense to me that I can’t do a better job of things.  I feel humiliated and mortified and terrified and terribly, awfully, GUILTY.  I am so sensitive right now to this issue whenever it is brought up that it is all I can do to keep myself from running away screaming and hiding somewhere.  Any discussion about finances having to do with me makes my brain go off like a bomb and causes me to feel like I am under attack.  It’s too much.  It is unacceptable to me. And the more I think about it, the less able I am to actually do anything about it.

The other thing that I am having difficulty with, which I often do but which particularly bothers me at certain times like now, is that I feel so completely dissatisfied with my life and my vocation.  Sometimes I start hating and resenting every single thing that I do, that I have to do, that I should do.  And that leads me to start wracking my brain to try to come up with something that I can do to change things so that I don’t feel this way.  In the past it has meant trying to find a new job, decide on a new career, learn about something new, just do something different, with the desire to see this change my life so that I can feel happy and content.  But I’ve never been completely successful; although it has led me to many changes that often have provided some positives and have enabled me to do so many different things and learn so much.

And I don’t need to say anything more; I could go on all day but that gets me nowhere…

 

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