On Boundaries

Posted on April 2, 2011 by Linda

I cannot remember where I got this – perhaps from Molly at some point.  It seems I have failed to pay adequate attention to what it says:

A boundary is a personal limit that allows me to love you without resentment. It allows me to give to you and receive from you without compromising my own integrity.  A boundary enables my inner child to feel safe and nurtured.

I cannot ignore a boundary without paying a price. I cannot have a boundary of mine violated without it affecting the connection between us.

Setting my boundaries clearly is what allows me to be in charge of my peace. The focus is on my behavior, not on controlling your behavior.

I often do not set clear boundaries because I fear I will hurt you.  I fear I will get rejected by you, or I fear I will feel foolish, embarrassed or ashamed.

Setting a boundary always creates the risk of finding out a truth about myself, about you, or about our relationship.

The lower my pain tolerance, the shorter my reaction time will be to letting you know when you have violated my boundaries.  The higher my pain tolerance, the more prone I will be to exploding, before setting my boundaries.

Before I knew how to take care of myself, I focused on controlling you, so I could be comfortable.

When I was not aware of my true boundaries, I did a lot of things I did not want to do, with people I did not like.

Sometimes I discover my boundary after it has been violated. When this occurs I often feel angry, I blame you, and I resent you.

Other times, I discover my boundary as it is being violated. With this discovery, I may not take action, even if I am aware of not liking how I feel.  Over time and with practice, my ability to take action is gradually catching up with my awareness.  I am getting better.

I can also set my boundaries proactively. This is the ideal and it saves time, and it prevents chaos, crisis and pain.  It is what I am working towards.

There are times when I inadvertently violate my boundaries because I do not know what to do, the situation might have taken me by surprise, or the situation was imperfect, and there just was not a good solution. The most important thing for me to remember is for me to forgive myself, and to use the situation for learning.

The better I become at setting my boundaries, the fewer times I find myself in awkward situations because I am able to nip a lot of these situations in the bud before they become painful.

When I discover that my boundaries have been violated, I first discharge my feelings, (writing and burning), and I forgive myself. I talk to my inner child and pin point the moment that I started to feel violated. I identify as much as possible exactly what made me feel uncomfortable. I also look at what kept me from setting my boundaries on a consistent basis. I then create a different scenario. I make up different responses I could have given. I concentrate on making earlier interventions.

I role play different responses in my mind, or I dialogue on paper, or I role play with a friend.

Sometimes I take a “time out.” It is okay for me to delay setting a boundary if I am not sure what I feel, or if I do not want to say it at the time. If this is the case. I will say:

“I’m not sure what I feel about this, but I’ll get back 10 you as soon as I do.”

“I’m not comfortable talking about this right at the moment, and need some time to think before I answer you.”

“Let me think about this first.”

“I will need to get back to you on this.”

One way to discover what I want is by asking myself, “What do I want to get from this? Am I clear about what result I want from the boundary I am setting?” I want to discover what limits I have that will keep me feeling peaceful. I want to know what things I can do that will help me keep loving and out of resentment.

When I am ready to disclose my boundaries I use I statements, not “we”‘ or “you” statements. I stay with my own experiences. I do not argue the merits of my case.

My experience is the only thing that cannot be argued with.  I say:

“My experience is ________.”

“I am willing to________. /am not willing to _________.”

“What I would like from you is _________ .”

When I talk from my experience I stay out of power struggles, and I stay centered in my own power. I do not weaken my position by having my attention diverted into unprovable points like:

“You’re not trying hard enough.” “Yes I am. You just can’t see it.”

I always speak from my heart, and I use kind words. I am so good at hiding my feelings, I know that you might not even be aware that you have been violating me.

I know that it is vitally important for my words to match my actions, and as I continue to grown and expand I will revise, clarify and update my boundaries. I will let you know my revision so we will always be clear, and so my actions will continue to match my words.

When I define my boundaries, I know that I must be prepared for your reactions.

You may respond with anger, you may withdraw your loving, you may try to make me wrong, or you may not be willing to work out a solution with me.

Good stuff to remember.

Posted in Tools | Tagged | Comments Off on On Boundaries

How to have a yard sale

Posted on March 3, 2011 by Linda

One day I scoured the Internet for information about how to have a garage/yard sale.  And I took information from several different places and compiled the following.  (My apologies to anyone I might have “stolen” from without giving credit.  I found the information very useful; it isn’t “rocket science,” but my ignorance about some things can be daunting.)

HOW TO HAVE A YARD/GARAGE SALE:

Having a garage sale is a great way to get rid of all of that “treasure” that fills your closets and garage.  If you don’t use it or don’t know that you even own it, chances are pretty safe that you can get rid of it. Don’t have a yard or a garage? Borrow one from a friend of family member. As long as you don’t let the mess get out of hand and make sure to respect their time and space, they might be willing to host you so they can sell some stuff of their own.

Make sure you have enough sellable items to even hold a garage sale. People like big garage sales, and the more stuff you have to sell, the more people will stop by and shop. Think about getting together with some friends and having a combined garage sale. If they don’t want to help out, offer to sell their junk for a 30% commission.

Planning the Sale

Pick a date. Set a date and time when you can devote your full time to this sale, for gathering up various articles as well as being able to attend the sale full time.  Decide if you are going to have the sale alone, or with two to five more families.  If you live where it’s cold or tends to rain, put the sale off until you are more likely to have good weather. People do not come out when it’s cold and rainy. Once you select your date, check the weather and if it looks bad, seriously consider changing the date.

Get everything you have together to sell. This could take several weeks to several months.

Have some decent stuff for sale. Make sure you have several big ticket, nice items. People come to garage sales early looking for furniture, electronics and other big ticket items and they’ll be there early. If you don’t have anything decent to sell, throw it away or give it to charity.

Advertise!  Advertise if you can. Most newspapers have cheap rates for garage sale ads. Think about placing them in your local Pennysaver and then post on free websites. Advertise at least a week in advance.  Be specific, concise and honest. State place, date, hours. If you have a large amount of clothing, specify some of the sizes, particularly if you have quite a few in different sizes.

Put up lots of clear signage. Start at the closest main road and put a big sign there. Try a yellow sign with BIG BLOCK LETTERS. On the main road sign, don’t put a lot of info. People driving by won’t see it. Instead, write “HUGE YARD SALE” and an arrow pointing to the street they want to turn on to get to your house. Continue with the same color scheme at every turn until you get to your house.

Signage is the key to having a successful garage sale.  If people don’t know how to get to your house, no one will come!

Set up your yard sale in advance. Yard salers start shopping at the crack of dawn, and are usually finished shopping by noon, so having it all set up in your garage the night before is really helpful. Be prepared for early birds- There WILL be people waiting when you open the garage door and some are even so bold as to knock on the door. If you don’t want early birds, post a clear sign on the front of your garage that indicates exactly what time you will ‘open shop’ and stick to it. You will get some good traffic and good sales from the people who want first shot at a good deal.

Make your yard sale a good shopping experience. Set things up like displays in stores. Put like items together, and try to put as much on tables as possible. Use a broom handle to hold clothing on hangers. Clean items up and make sure they are in working order- If something doesn’t work, label it as such and expect not make a lot of money on it. Dust everything and clean with those antibacterial wipes. People will spend more money on a nice looking item.

Put things on folding tables or shelves if you can- Hang clothing and put shoes in pairs. Customers are more likely to stay and browse if they don’t have to work to see what you have and if it is higher off the ground like in an actual store.

Make sure that you have enough change- Go to the bank the night before and get at least $50-$100 dollars in change. Be smart about the change you get, if you have a lot of items under a dollar, then you will need coins. If your most expensive item is more than $50, then you might need a few $20’s. Most of the change you get should be $1’s and $5’s though.

Put prices on EVERYTHING. This is really important. – People will always haggle, but that’s what the point of a garage sale is. You want to make the most money and the customers want to pay as little possible. You need to find a way to meet in the middle.

Know what things are worth- You don’t want to get rid of a rare collectible for $1 if it’s worth $50 just because you were ignorant. If you have antiques or collectibles, you might want to get them appraised first. use masking tape to put prices on the items.

Don’t get sentimental when pricing. This will lead to overpricing, which is bad.

Have a $1 table or a 25 cent box- This will encourage further buying and browsing and will keep people shopping.

The Day of the Sale

Get Help- If you are expecting a lot of people then you need to realize that you can’t do it alone.

Have a snack stand- If you have kids or some extra volunteers, think about having a soda or coffee stand and possibly some donuts for sale. You can let the kids keep the money; it keeps them busy and teaches them how to handle money. Not to mention customers love not having to stop somewhere to get a drink on hot days. Garage sale shopping is hard work, and having snacks on hand is a great way to make a few extra bucks.

Keep your money with you at all time- Also if you have any expensive items, make sure they are within sight of you at all times. Watch your shoppers. I hate to say it, but people will steal anything, they have even been known to switch price tags on stuff. Same goes for your money box, watch it carefully.

Talk to your customers. Stand up and stay busy- Customers don’t want to walk up to a messy garage sale where someone is sitting in a lawn chair scowling. Keep consolidating items and making your sale look great.

Toward the end of the day, start slashing prices. You need to get rid of this stuff, not make a fortune on it.

Do NOT bring the stuff back into the house if it doesn’t sell. You wanted to get rid of it, remember? Put it down by the curb with a sign that says “FREE” or freecycle it, but make sure you don’t bring it back in.

After the Sale

TAKE DOWN YOUR SIGNS. There is nothing more irritating than signs from garage sales three weeks ago. Your neighbors and the city won’t appreciate your ‘art.’ So make sure that you go out and take down your signs as soon as you close up shop. This will also stop the flow of traffic to your front door. Bag up anything of value that you didn’t sell and make a nice donation to Goodwill, the Red Cross, or any number of great charities who will happily take your items. Some will even come any pick them up and you might even get a nice tax deduction. Sit back and count your money.

TIPS FOR A SUCCESSFUL GARAGE SALE

Continue reading →

Posted in Tools | Tagged , , | Comments Off on How to have a yard sale

“Goals Group” 2010

Posted on January 15, 2011 by Linda

This year for Goals Group I brought in a framed quote that I had hung on the wall above my desk at home.  I decided this was a very important thing for me to remember: “Smile, breathe, and go slowly.”

And today our main exercise involves taking at look at the various “goal categories” and choosing some with which to work.  Then for each category we work on as follows:

    • My biggest fear or my limiting belief in this area is …
    • My true heart’s desire in this area is …
    • To expand to neutral or beyond in this area I need to …
      Imagine a way to do something about it.
      List your first three concrete steps to expand.
      Imagine successful completion by this year’s end… How do you feel?
    • I am willing to…

I choose ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS and decide that what I am experiencing is simply CONFUSION.  I feel like I desire something more fulfilling; more passion, love, a “soulmate.”  But am I ready?  And is this just a distraction?  

So I pull out FINANCES/INCOME (and, actually FINANCES – all of the above), and along with that, because for me it is all tied up together, I pull in CAREER/WORK with it.   And my Limiting Belief seems to be:  that I cannot be financially successful doing something that I enjoy but only what I hate, and that I have to be miserable to have money; that to live joyfully and authentically, I have to be impoverished.  Hmm, well that is my belief and possibly the gist of my problems.

Along the same lines, I choose CREATIVITY, and my Limiting Belief seems to be: that I can only treat this as a HOBBY, to engage in when I have the time – or else be guilty of irresponsibility.  And if I can believe that I can make money using my Creativity, then this takes care of my other Limiting Beliefs. It is all tied together.

True Heart’s Desire

To be free to be authentic and still enjoy financial success – meaning to the extent that there is no fear of making ends meet.  My true heart’s desire is and has always been to be able to earn a good income using my creative gifts.  I want to write and illustrate.

To expand beyond my beliefs, I need to:  Examine my beliefs and learn; I am willing to do almost anything, but I am afraid of being forced to learn to “accept” what is unacceptable to me.

I do not really believe that anyone will ever understand me or believe that I am anything beyond “wrong”, “selfish”, misguided and lazy; that I irresponsibly choose to live in “pie-in-the-sky” self-deception and refuse to accept reality and face my responsibilities.  To me this is UNTRUE and unfair and cruel, and I cannot force myself to see things any differently.  I reject those opinions and beliefs.  I do not believe I am ignoring reality.

I can make things happen if I can just BELIEVE – but there is fear that I am WRONG – because of others’ belief systems – and there are loved ones counting on me.  This is painful and awful.  (And I FAIL – always.)

In this area, just like in my “Relationships” category, my beliefs are not considered by others as being in the realm of what is “normal”, acceptable, responsible REALITY.  I reject that and here is ANGER.

To be proactive here, I somehow need to dispel my beliefs and belief in myself and in my dreams.   Thinking about this issue makes me feel sick.

Just SMILE,

BREATHE,

and GO SLOWLY…

And here is a link to my posting of “Zen Habits,” which I learned about from a fellow Group-member.  I decided this is a good place to put it.

…And at home later, I reflected on the day.  Group day with Molly is always powerful and intense, but it is also warm and nurturing, no matter what “demons” may rise to the surface in my soul.

And I realize that I am astonished at the emotional weight this issue carries for me.  It brought up so much pain and fear and anger.  But after some time spent processing, what I am left with is this:  As long as I do not intend to throw everything to the wind – which I know would be irresponsible and self-defeating; as long as I am doing what I need to do to survive and make ends meet to the best of my ability, as poor and pathetic as those efforts are – well, what on earth is wrong with me trying to pursue my goals and dreams of being an author/illustrator at the same time?  The worst that can happen is that I might be disappointed and earn nothing.  But even if those efforts fail, I would still be doing what I love.  My financial situation would not improve, but it would not get worse, I would not be threatening the status quo by trying.  So there really is no risk.

My goal is simply that in doing what I love, that there might be a chance of some life-bettering rewards:  Recognition, acknowledgment, feelings of success – and hopefully some – even if not very much – financial rewards.  I would love to see major success, but it is not required.  But I would like to be able to feel some sort of justification.  Ideally, I could quit my pathetic little “day job,” but more desirable would be to just make enough extra so that I am not struggling so much all the time.  Worrying about my very survival day after day is emotionally exhausting and soul-destroying.  I would rather do almost anything; but not quite:  I choose not to sacrifice my Goals. 

And that is the basic reason I have always had a problem working a full-time, regular, well-paying job.  Because when I do that, it takes so many “pennies” that I have nothing left to give my ART, and leaves me feeling hopeless to ever achieve my goals and dreams.  So I suppose I have, in essence, chosen poverty.

But if I have chosen this route in order to give myself the space and time (and “pennies”) to follow my creative dreams, then why am I not doing that?  If I have suffered for my goals, what value is this suffering if I am not availing myself of the opportunity it creates?

I think it’s because of ADD – and FEAR.  Or is all that just the result of my failure to take on my part of the bargain?  I have a chance, a BIG chance.  So what is REALLY my problem? What is my FEAR really about?

– That this is, after all, just a “pipe dream,” that my ADD difficulties will not enable me to ever succeed; that my “defects” will always get in the way?  Do I believe this?  Or am I just using rationalizations and excuses like I’ve always done?

So, what do we have here:  I have these limiting beliefs and fears; I have ADD with its inherent challenges with finishing things, following through, self-destructiveness, distraction, etc., and…

Does it really matter what reasons there might be?  Everything aside, what can I do?  I must make the dream real, believe in the goal, make it concrete, envision the means of achieving it; make a plan and treat it like a job – a directive that I must give priority and attend to.  Why can’t I do this?  Time?  It isn’t about time, it’s about priority.  And art is too unstructured, too “floaty,” too much up to my various whims.  I need concrete steps, assignments, tasks.  A “time slot” in which I can buckle down, focus, and dive in attentively and determinedly and produce results.

So – bottom line:  perhaps I need not spend any more time examining the emotional baggage surrounding this.  I can take the time to get organized, like I’d planned, just go through it and assign myself tasks like I’d already decided to do.

And here is a good place to refer to the information Molly gave to me at some point, about “A.R.T.S. Anonymous.”

 

Posted in 2010, Annual Summary, Onward & Upward | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Comments Off on “Goals Group” 2010

Our Deepest Fear

Posted on December 31, 2010 by Linda

I found this quote on a piece of paper in my files one day, but I am not sure where I got it.  I believe it was probably given to me by Molly at one of our Groups.  It is a wonderful quote.  

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.  We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?  You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world.  There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.  We are all meant to shine, as children do.  We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.  It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.  And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

by Marianne Williamson from “A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles”

 

Posted in Onward & Upward, Ruminations, Tools | Tagged , , | Comments Off on Our Deepest Fear

A.R.T.S. Anonymous

Posted on December 31, 2010 by Linda

A.R.T.S. TRAITS 

  1. We grew up in an atmosphere of invalidation which resulted in ambivalence about our artistic expression.
  2. In any given twenty-four hour period we find ways, consciously or unconsciously, to avoid doing that which gives us the most joy — expressing our creativity.
  3. We have withdrawn from our art by investing ourselves in lifestyles, relationships and work activities incompatible with our artistic purpose. Our creative energy has often been diverted into destructive compulsions toward alcohol, food, sex, money, drugs, gambling and preoccupation with the past.
  4. We have made needless sacrifices for our art and yet are afraid to make the necessary sacrifices.  We are unable to balance the significant areas of our lives – physical, financial, social, love, family, spiritual and creative.
  5. Self-defeating thoughts and societal myths turn in our heads:  “It’s too late.” – “I’m too old.” – “I’m not ready.” – “I am not enough.” – “Art is not practical.” – “Artists are neurotic.” – “You’ll starve.” – “You have to be trained.” — “You are a fraud.”  We have accepted these as true when, in fact, they are not.
  6. We have felt intimidated by other artists’ success. Jealousy, envy, fear, self-pity, perfectionism, resentment and other character defects block our creative expression.
  7. We stand always on the edge of a beginning, afraid of commitment.  Fearful of pursuing our creativity as a means of earning a living, we get caught in the Amateur Syndrome.  The concept of supporting ourselves through our art has seemed overwhelming.  We are unable to determine the monetary market value of our art.
  8. We have thought of our art as divorced from reality, denying ourselves the right to follow our dream. We forget that artists are entitled to their right work and deserve the happiness and success that right work brings.
  9. We deny our responsibility to fully develop and realize our talents. We feel like a fraud.
  10. Being multi-talented, we have difficulty discerning our true artistic vision, making a commitment to it and establishing the priorities to fulfill it.
  11. We have difficulty following through on projects and frequently sabotage our efforts. We want to work at our art but don’t know how. We become impatient with the process, forgetting that the results come in God’s time, not ours.  Our time is unmanageable.
  12. We have been afraid of our creative energy and have mistrusted our artistic instincts. Lacking spiritual awareness, we have not seen ourselves as channels for the Infinite Creative Process. Our art is a gift to be shared.

(From A.R.T.S. Anonymous)

Posted in Onward & Upward, Tools | Tagged , , , , , | Comments Off on A.R.T.S. Anonymous

2010 Summary

Posted on December 31, 2010 by Linda

2010 Year in Review

I have always had a tough time thinking of January as a Beginning, or as a time to start fresh, make changes.  January is smack in the middle of winter.  I do not typically do real well in winter, particularly in regards to personal change or motivation.

So, as seems typical for me, I find myself depressed and lethargic at the start of the year, low on energy and motivation, sleeping too much but still tired.  I have always found myself in some sort of “hibernation mode” in the winter.  I try to fight it, I plague myself over unaccomplished goals – like the same old battle to organize and clean up my house; and I do tend to accomplish things some times in sporadic, energetic bursts, which last for a few hours, let me feel gratified at the progress, but then the activity never continues.  I suppose I gradually am getting some things done, although at this rate it could take years.  It has already taken ONE.

The beginning of February shows one whole year since the death of my mother.  So I have been trying to do this for a year.  I guess that, in fact, I am still grieving.  The house will get done eventually.

And I should not forget that it has only been a few months since I quit smoking.  As I NOW know, on doing this a second time, the changes and effects of quitting take a very long time.  It is not just hormones that are in flux and I must be patient.

All of a sudden, in a surprising, impulsive, almost unconscious move – I find myself subscribed to Match.com.  What on earth am I doing?  (Could this perhaps have anything to do with my x-husband’s sudden, recent move here after all these years?)  I find this experience overwhelming, somewhat scary, very nerve-wracking – but so very compelling and tantalizing also.

It does make it somehow easier to deal with my frustration, anger, and distress over having to deal with my X.  This has all gotten me all out of whack and feeling out of control.  So it seems I have found a pleasant, albeit scary, distraction.  This leads me to some major self-discovery work.  I try to perceive myself from different viewpoints; to figure out who I might now be, and I realize many things; primarily that I think I finally know who I am and I feel more honest and whole.  This leads me to pay more attention to what I want in a man and searching for someone who is appropriate for me, rather than trying to find someone who will find me interesting and desirable.  This is a different approach and feels much healthier.  I intend to take it slow and careful.

In the meantime, I am having trouble sleeping.  This fact contributes to my feeling so scattered and dysfunctional.  I am suddenly experiencing intense cravings; yearnings for some undefined “something.”  I put a lid on certain kinds of desires for the last 7 or so years.  I now feel like a pressure cooker who is about to explode; like I am plugged into an electrical socket.  This is a Powerful distraction.  But I tell myself I must pay attention; I must not throw things blindly to the wind.

I am now very aware of how much parenting requires from me.  I need to pull myself away from my distractions and attend to what is most important.  I find myself needing to deal with my son’s anger and resentment towards his dad.  This is difficult but yet this situation relieves my resentment towards my X, as I see how truly my son does need and want me when the chips fall.  The “honeymoon” with dad is now over and Real Life is not so simple.  But I am gratified as I see my son gradually come to terms with things, with my help.  Now if I could only do that for myself…

I feel like I desperately need something to happen to cause me to be inspired and motivated again, to get on top of my shit.  I am still struggling with lethargy.  I begin to feel a victim of my cluttered house but I can’t seem to do anything about it.  I remember how, when I quit a job that I once had, the CFO told me that I couldn’t quit because he would have to hire four people to replace me.  So if I am capable of that, which I was, then why can’t I do this?  It blows my mind.

All I want is Beauty, Order, and Balance.  I want wholeness.  I want Space.  I find myself wasting so much time just sitting and staring at the rain.  I hate winter.  I can’t quit thinking and fantasizing about dating, about men, about sex.  I feel like I am flying in circles; I am a frustrated mess and it does not feel good.

Then spring arrives.  I love spring; this is my favorite time of the year and I start to feel significantly better.  The sunshine comes back.  And I am starting to date.  I find myself feeling much younger than I have for years.  I feel like I’ve shed a layer of skin.  It is exhilarating.  But it is also nerve-wracking; it has been so long!  My first date is just… weird.  And on the way home, I smoked a cigarette.  The first one since I quit in October.  Even worse, it tasted too good.  I did not let myself worry.  I had too much else on my mind.  And I am feeling so ALIVE.

I meet Louis.  …And also, Rex.  I like them both.  What if I date two men?  I am multifaceted and have never believed that one single man could possibly fulfill my needs, but what about two?  These two are very different from each other.  They appeal to two different but important sides of my self.  I have always been a one-at-a-time kind of person, but I have also not been successful at relationships; would two be better?  It’s an intriguing idea.  I am starting to feel a bit crazy, but it is fun; I am enjoying myself. 

But then – and I’ve had to stop at this point now while writing this; leave a blank space and come back to it.  …Because otherwise, I will never get this done.  I have worked on this for weeks, if not months, but every time I get to this place, I stop and get stuck.  It is too hard.  So, I will come back to this.  (But I never did.  Perhaps this will just stay one of those pieces of “unfinished business.”)

*  *  *

And I did start smoking again.  I made it but five months — thought I was so strong and so over it, that I could risk an occasional cigarette.  Needless to say, I learned the hard way, but at least I did learn.  I spent most of the rest of spring and summer trying to summon up the ability to stop again.

I did manage a fairly sublime summer.  I spent as much time outside as possible, soaking up the sun, watching the birds, feeling the breeze.  I spent a lot of time in contemplation, listening to music, trying to just live in the present and come to terms with things.  And I smoked.  I spent time with Louis, sometimes with our kids, sometimes just the two of us.  I was rediscovering pleasure and that is good; a new perspective.  I also am becoming more and more comfortable with my drawing, with my art, and I am learning to be free with it.  This gives me great pleasure.  I am feeling my power again.

During this time, however, I learn that my sister’s husband is afflicted with liver failure.  This is very sad, very hard.  It is shocking.  I find myself compelled to want to do something. My sister has been the glue that holds our family together, especially since our mother died.  But now I feel the need to step up to the platform.  I decide to arrange a family 4th of July get-together, here at my house, like we always used to do when my mother was alive.  I did not know if my sister and her family would be able to come.  But I invited everyone, including Louis, who I decided needed to meet the family, and they him.  Not only did everyone, including poor sick Ken, come – but everyone, especially him, was so pleased to be able to come that it just about broke my heart and made me feel so gratified that I could do something to make such a difference.  And despite how I always used to feel – like the younger sister who didn’t have her act together – I have found that I am able to do a very good job with these things.  I used to do it on my mother’s behalf but never felt “in charge.”  Now, I felt the sense of ownership and responsibility.  And this felt so incredibly special.  I felt humbled, honored, and privileged.  And I felt like I had never in my life done anything so powerfully important.  I felt my family and the ties between us very, very clearly.  I felt how tenuous things could be if not maintained.  I chose to salvage what could have been lost.  It left an imprint on my heart and soul.  It was good for all of us, it was healing, and Louis was comfortable, and well-received.  It just was one of those really good things.  But Ken is not the man he always used to be.  It hurts.  Grief upon grief…  Thank God we all love each other.  It also felt good to be with a man whom my family clearly liked and approved of.  I gained respect – at least from my own self.

August 2nd, I manage to again successfully quit smoking.  I pretty much know what to expect this time.  I know it will be hard, but I also know I can do it.  I am surprised and pleased to learn that Louis has decided he will quit smoking too.  That is a big positive.

And I have my first “away” trip with Louis.  We go out to Bodega for his business partner’s wedding and stay the night in the hotel where they had the reception.  I enjoyed it very much.  The significance of this was how it made me so aware of the fact that I have never had the benefit of being around real peers.  I did not keep in touch with school mates, do not live in the same area, and do not have any particular group of friends, especially those my own age.  Most of my son’s peers’ parents are much younger than I.  At this wedding and the party afterwards, I found myself so enjoying the feeling of being in the company of people of my own age.  It was very interesting to me.  I found myself comparing myself to others and it gave me much food for thought.  I had a great time.  Louis is so easy to get along with, even when I got a bit drunk and silly – and argumentative.  He’s a jewel.

School has started again and now I again am finding myself out of sorts though and I seem to keep forgetting the fact that I have just quit smoking again.  I want to just feel better NOW.  I continue to find myself plagued by my inability to fix my house up the way I want.  I get depressed over it.  I think about the fact that there have always been some things that I somehow am almost “magically” able to know and do.  Why can’t I transfer this ability to taking care of this house project?

I feel so strange, fog-brained disoriented, not sleeping well, and/or sleeping too much, I can’t get a grip on things.  I am also having nearly constant hot flashes.  Is this all hormones?  I re-read journals and see that I am experiencing nearly identical symptoms to what I did the last time I’d quit smoking for this same amount of time.  However, I have not had a period since June and, as of the date of this writing, this is still true.

I am drawing, this is good.  Pictures just seem to manifest like magic.

My X is stomping on my boundaries, though, and I continually have to reassert them.  It sucks.

I am in a funk that seems never-ending.  But I do stuff, I am trying.  It is one day at a time.  I hurt for my sister.  I miss her.  But I let her know that I am here for her, however she needs.  I try to at least be OK so that I cause her no added distress in any way.  Somehow I am still paying rent.  I do not know how I am making it.  But I do.  It is, I guess, one of those “magical” things that I have always experienced at times.

And as autumn goes on by, I still struggle:  I feel like I have lost my mojo:

But I think I’m beginning to feel better; everything just feels different and it’s hard to adjust.  I find that 5th grade, new school, new teacher, is a big challenge.  There is so much homework.  I start to have serious suspicions that my son shares my ADHD.  But I know what his strengths are, and I know from experience what the challenges can be and I know I am uniquely able to help him and teach him how to make things work and between that and conferencing with the teacher, Dalton soon has adapted remarkably and is doing quite well.  Thank goodness for that.

I get to take Louis as my date to Cindy’s annual Halloween Party this year.

It is cool to be able to have adult fun, really fun.  Life is so full and I have deprived myself of so much for so long.  It is interesting.  My son has recently discovered that his mother actually likes to have fun.  He has had to adjust to my differences, but hopefully it’s been mostly for the good, other than my frequent crankiness – which, I am hopeful, will end at some point.

I have found a curious addiction lately to vampire romance novels.  They are so full of passion.  I do not know what need they are filling for me, but they serve their purpose I guess.  It is like chocolate for me.  It is very obviously a form of escape.  But I only indulge when I allow myself to without feeling guilt.

This year has seen me going through a lot of the same kinds of cycles.  I get puzzled over why some things continue to be problems, on and on and on, and over and over again.  House, financial, and it seems I can now be considered “post-menopausal,” whatever that may ultimately mean in terms of experience.  At least I still enjoy sex. 

I learn that my brother’s wife does not want to hostess Thanksgiving this year again.  My sister agrees to do it at her place.  However, she has her hands so full with taking care of her husband.  So I offer to take care of the bulk of the cooking if she will help me pay for the food.  She is happy to do so.  I invite Louis.  Again, we have a very, very nice family day and the dinner is great and I feel like everything is just a wonderful enjoyable success.  I have been enlisted to do Christmas this year at my house.  We have always done it at my sister’s.  This will be the first – but I feel honored and I am happy to do this.  Not only that, but I feel competent to actually do it as well.

Some things are getting better.  I am trying some hormone/birth control pills and it appears it is helping me feel more “normal.”  My sleeping seems to be getting a little better.  I am starting to be able to get out of bed in the morning and stay up.  I am finding that there are pros as well as cons to having my X living nearby.  It is allowing me more time and flexibility and I can at least be grateful for that.  I am also grateful that Dalton has adapted to having his father in his life and things have gotten much smoother in that regard.

And I have just had my 50th birthday.  A landmark sort of time I guess; I did have a very nice birthday.  I am enjoying getting the house ready for Christmas.  It may not be arranged the way I want it or free of clutter, but it can be clean and comfortable and attractive.  And it is looking good.  I have designed and started working on my 2nd annual hand-drawn Christmas card.  I can do this.  (And I DID).

Finally, when it comes to trying to get a handle on this year, some things become clear.  This year, my focus seems to have been on my health and taking care of myself.  I found a new psychiatrist.  I found a new dentist and visited the periodontist and I found and saw an ob/gyn.  I am finally taking care of these long-neglected things.  I am still not smoking and do not believe that I will allow myself to fail again.  That is my goal.  And I have started working on a daily exercise/walking routine.  It makes a HUGE difference.

I have started paying more attention to my eating and nutrition; I have actually even begun to eat breakfast.  I have not been a breakfast eater since I was a young kid.  I refuse to allow myself to slide into old age without doing everything I can to stay young and strong and healthy.  I absolutely refuse.

And also significant to my health and well-being, is that I have a man in my life with whom I enjoy a positive, healthy relationship.  I have learned a lot this year.  But I am impressed at this time that part of my difficulty I believe is that I have been trying to go from Point A to Point C, without stopping at Point B.

I know what I want now.  I never used to have a clue.  But I do know.  That is huge.  But just knowing does not mean immediately having.  And I think that my lesson for the year is PATIENCE.

It is clear that I have been working on my Health and Wellness.  I have always considered that to be the foundation for anything; no achievement means anything if you do not have this first.  So this is where I am.  I failed in my first attempt to quit smoking, but that is part of the process and I know that.  While I have felt like I have been going in circles and repeating things, I have actually accomplished quite a lot.  I am not the same person in some ways.  But all I can believe is that who I am becoming is simply a stronger, healthier person.  I just must have patience and perseverance and believe that when the time is right I will achieve the Order and Balance that I so crave.  I will achieve the dreams that have become so clear to me now.  One step at a time.

I also see where I need work.  I could not write about this business with Rex.  And I think this issue is critical to my Soul.  I want to address this.  In addition, I need to address some issues regarding money and how I can learn to make it work for me instead of against me.  I no longer wish to suffer and I insist on learning to let go of my fear and take control.

I feel like I have suffered a lot this year; like I have struggled and not really done anything worth talking about.  But I am now starting to see the big picture and am realizing some important things.  I am still learning and growing.  I just need patience.  I am changing and change does not feel comfortable, not at all.

This year for me has been largely about Relationships, about health and well-being, about creativity and spirit.  Mostly it has been about learning to be patient and not fret and also about who I really am and who I want to be.

A final significant thing is that just this very week I FINALLY figured out how to use the “31 point plan” and what it really means, what its purpose is and how to utilize it.  I never really “got it” before, so this is kind of big.  I have learned what it is that makes me feel good.  And it is very simple actually.  I do not know why I could never do this before.  It is not about having goals.  It is about simply LIVING.  I finally know that every day I need to write in my journal, to draw, to listen to music, to eat breakfast, to go for a walk, to be outside and see the sun, and I need to take stock of all I am grateful for.  It is simply about being alive.  And it feels good.

Posted in 2010, Annual Summary, Onward & Upward | Tagged , | Comments Off on 2010 Summary

31 point plan

Posted on December 30, 2010 by Linda

In 2009, Molly brought to my attention this “31 Point Plan”:

Try as I might, I could never really grasp how to use this; I understood that it was a tool to make life better, by ensuring we do those things daily that give us joy – but I never really knew what “those things” were I guess.

 

Finally, in December of 2010, I now begin to “get it” – although there is no way I can think of 31 things to put on it:

And I managed to continue into 2011, but only managed it for a couple of months; it fell by the wayside by the middle of March: 

 

 

 

 

I tried it again in 2012, and this time I decided to be creative and draw my own to help motivate me.  But I only did it for 2 months:

This year (2013) I am very determined to keep it up.  I am going to post them here to (hopefully) inspire me to continue.

 2013 “31-Point Plan”

I have (finally) learned the full value of doing this.  And I now am more aware of what it is that makes me feel happy and alive.  This tool is a good way to keep Balance in my life and make sure I am finding time to do the things that make my life better and that are meaningful to me; a way to follow my goals, track my progress, remind myself of things and feel like I have more control over my life.  I don’t know how other people use this, but I have found a way to make it work for me and am grateful for it.

Posted in Onward & Upward, Tools | Tagged , , | Comments Off on 31 point plan

“ADHD Success Strategies”

Posted on August 31, 2010 by Linda

Here is a paper that Molly shared with us in Group at some point.  I believe she attended a workshop or seminar given by this particular doctor, although I can’t quite remember.  I find these “strategies” worth thinking about.  And I have highlighted areas where I have particular interest – or dissatisfaction – particularly in the area of my ‘environment.’  Shows issues where I need to do some work.

 

 

Posted in Onward & Upward, Tools | Tagged , | Comments Off on “ADHD Success Strategies”

“Mate”

Posted on April 4, 2010 by Linda

MATE

I want to look into your eyes and see your Soul.
And for you to read between the lines and find my soul there, waiting for you.
You must be tall, but not too much;
I want to lean against your shoulder and fit between your arms just so—
In the perfect heart to heart, heat to heated embrace.
No words need be said
Except when they are soulful and seductively brilliant;
And conversation ignites, intellectual curiosity ensues…
Intelligence is erotic.
And you are dazzled by my brain, as I am intrigued and mesmerized by yours.
We dream together; the world is full of Magic.
Your words tantalize, your eyes ravish, and your caresses make me melt.
And we know how to play.
We inhabit many worlds:  to each, we each pay our tribute.
But to each other, we are Treasure.
You must be evolved, compassionate, passionate; free.
You share my values, my politics;
Our tastes and goals are similar and we complement each other’s worlds.
We fit – in many, many ways.
Humor is imperative.
Honesty is essential.
Grownups only need apply.

 

leb 4/14/10

 

Posted in 2010, Ruminations | Tagged , | Comments Off on “Mate”

“Lethargy”

Posted on February 26, 2010 by Linda

LETHARGY

What to do when the Lethargy slithers in…
My body’s stuck in mud and gloom
(Or have I perhaps just left my body?)
  
But where is my head?  It’s foggy here.
Depression lurks nearby. 
And I cannot move out of its way.
 
A victim to my moods –
It’s a vicious cycle that hangs around even still,
After all these years.
 
Once encumbered, there’s no escape.
One just goes on…
Into another day.
 
I don’t eat, can’t work – nothing feels attractive.
It’s self-perpetuating bullshit;
A simple wasted day.
 
Disconnected, staring into space.
But there’re no answers there. 
The clock just keeps on moving.
 
Am I even here? 
Somewhere, someplace, I have a life.
Where did I misplace it? 
 
Sliding into an alternative space
Where nothing makes much sense. 
My senses have gone dim. 
 
Vague thoughts flutter by;
A sense of disquiet nudges me: 
Do I see panic on the edges?
 
But, I’ve long experience at avoiding it. 
This place is too familiar. 
Comfortably numb. 
 
And it will pass me by and by;
There is always another day. 
It’s the WEEKS that scare me;
 
WHERE DO THEY GO?
 
I’m out of sync.  I can’t grab on.
The clock moves fast and I just watch it. 
I am going too slow for time to have an impact
 
Until Time is suddenly gone.
 
I go too fast, I go too slow.  Where is the middle?
So hard to stay there for very long.
Roadblocks knock me off center…
 
And then the lethargy comes.
It’s vicious. It’s powerful.
It steals me away
 
Until I’m too tired to fight it.
I succumb.
And it leaves its dirty mark on my psyche.
 
It’s just boring and boredom hasn’t killed me yet.
Although it always feels deadly.
And it produces lethargy: My Nemesis.
 
Since I cannot fight it this time,
I simply accommodate.
Maybe I can kill it with kindness.
 
Welcome it, court it, entertain it
Until it self-destructs.
Do I feel it weakening, edging away?
 
What is lethargy’s nemesis? 
Ah, I know.
It is ACTION.
 
And that’s where my weapons fall down.
I have no action plan to throw in place.
Lethargy grabbed on too quickly.
 
It happens. 
And now I go …
B L A N K . . . .
 
It happens. 
 
 
  © L. E. Book 2010
Posted in 2010, Onward & Upward, Ruminations | Tagged | Comments Off on “Lethargy”

“Goals Group” 2009

Posted on January 10, 2010 by Linda

This year at Molly’s “Goals Group,” we made “dream boards.”  I really enjoyed this process.  I felt so “freed” and enthusiastic about envisioning my dreams for the future.

I brought and used as my “witness” this year, this brass figurine I have of a pig with wings, similar to this:  “Flying Pig.”

Then we were instructed to work on a series of questions and to write about it:

Question #1:  Tell me what you long for:

Answer:  Freedom/personal expression.  FREE to Be, to Learn, to Grow, To Thrive, to Create, and to Give; to live free and marvelously.

Question #2:  What are you nostalgic for?

Answer:  If, when I was a kid, my creative longings had been given free reign, letting me be as crazy as I could be.

Question #3:  What are your regrets?

Answer:  Oppressive/repressive religion; Fear, being told I was “bad;” knowledge was forbidden, there were “secrets,” there was pain; Drugs, self-destruction.

Question #4:  What are your desires?

Answer:  A ‘dream home,’ the ‘good life.’

Question #5:  What are your secrets? Something about yourself that you have never shared; deepest, darkest, silliest, or shameful:

Answer:  [And I am keeping this answer to myself, as everyone’s “secrets” are private – or they wouldn’t be “secrets.”]  I did, however, also make this comment:  Can’t secrets just go away and disappear?  The answer I received was:  NO.  Not unless you release them.  So I “released” them.  I revealed them to Molly.  And that was extremely “freeing.”

Question #6:  If you were a landscape (street scene, neighborhood, park, etc.), where or what would you be?  Describe self in detail: 

Answer:  …someplace that sounds just right; what landscape am I at this moment? I previously was a STORM, dark, violent, alone, seething.  Now?  A garden?  An explosion of color and beauty about to take off on wings… [I can visualize it.]

Question #7:  The seasons of your life – when was ‘winter,’ ‘summer,’ ‘spring,’ ‘fall’; what season are you now; what season are you moving towards:

Answer:  I feel like I have just awakened; like I have been sleeping for years, crawling through the snowdrifts of winter; soft and gray, like twilight.  Have I known a ‘summer’ or a ‘fall?’  I think I am entering ‘spring-time.’  I can anticipate a ‘summer-time’ of joy, and a restful, contentment-filled ‘fall’ – followed perhaps by a ‘winter’ of peace.  But I am in the ‘spring-time’ of my life in many ways.

Question #8:  Tell me about a “Beloved.”

Answer:  The only ‘beloved’ I can think of is something/someone that I dreamed up many years ago; it is an ‘Angel,’ it is a man; it is a soul-mate, a lover, a comforter, a savior, and a champion.  It is solace and it is joy; it is safety and it is self-affirmation.  I ‘summon’ my ‘Angel’ at times when I need something and only ‘he’ can provide what I need.  [So does this mean, really, that my “Beloved” is myself; my own imagination?]

Question #9:  Joys and sorrows of your life:

Answer: 

JOYS

SORROWS
▪     Birth of my son
▪     Drawing & Painting
▪     Writing
▪     Playing piano
▪     Cats
▪     My first apartment with my son after my divorce
▪     My freedom from drugs
▪     My freedom from smoking
▪     Finding my True Self
▪     Accepting and forgiving myself
▪     Achieving Freedom (to be ME)		 ▪     Death of my mother
▪     Being unable to draw or paint
▪     Being unable to write
▪     Ceasing to play the piano
▪     Feeling inadequate
▪     Losing cats 
▪     Divorce
▪     My chemical abuse
▪     self-destructive behavior and actions
▪     Feeling like I am wasting my life
▪     FEAR

Question #10:  If you could get out of the “box” you’re in, what is your escape fantasy:

Answer:

  • In childhood, I fantasized that my Real Parents would come rescue me and take me back to the Planet that I belong on, and I would live happily ever after. 
  • Another fantasy, when I was older, was about being independently wealthy and living in a Tropical Paradise, writing Bestsellers on my Laptop Computer, sitting in the sand under a Palm Tree and drinking a cocktail – with a sexy lifeguard? Scuba instructor? – at my beck and call. 
  • Another was that I was a Secret Agent, Glamorous, Rich, Clever, and Exotic, travelling to Exotic Places, having Exotic Adventures, and a little bit of Danger. 
  • These days my “escape fantasy” is about being a published writer, finding and fixing up my “dream house”, meeting the “right” man, and living a beautiful, creative, fulfilling life with my son and Someone Special. 

 

Posted in 2009, Annual Summary, Onward & Upward | Tagged , | Comments Off on “Goals Group” 2009

2009 Summary

Posted on December 31, 2009 by Linda

I am going to post my whole Summary for this year.  It was quite a year; I lost my mother, I quit smoking, I started drawing.  A very bittersweet year…

2009 in Review

This time last year, I was in a completely different space, one of underlying fear and despair, but with glimmerings of hope and determination.  I had only been coming to Group for a couple of months. I was in dire straits financially, overwhelmed and overburdened by caring for my mother and raising my son on my own, and had reached a place where my life was simply not satisfactory; it was no longer working for me.  But, with Molly’s help and by coming to Group, I felt that things were perhaps starting to look up.  I had started to give myself permission to write and work on some things that gave me pleasure and I was learning a lot about ADD and life in general.  But, although I summed up that year with the word “enlightenment,” little did I know that I was just beginning, or how far I would come over the next year.  Sometimes I hardly recognize myself, but looked at in another way, I am finally able to recognize myself as the person that I have always been – and just didn’t know it.  I no longer need to be the chameleon; I am simply myself – but also I am more than I have ever been, or could ever before believe – but I am not yet done.

January: was tough
– Started out frustrated and fearful but determined.  I  started seeing a therapist regularly for help with parenting in order to feel more self-confident and in control.  I started to become aware of anger and ways that I was victimizing myself and I thought about how I might convert that anger into positive energy.

– So worried about my mother; trying to hang in there with my goals – writing, working, balance – so hard; too much on my plate, too much uncertainty about how I am going to survive.

– My sister treated me to a show with her and her son one evening at the Mystic Theater; had a couple beers and enjoyed it so much; it’d been years and years since I’d done anything similar; it was fun.

– I’ve been writing daily, working on memoirs and it is good; I designed and wrote a birthday card for my mother and somehow I knew subconsciously that it would be her last…

February: intensely, deeply painful
– My mother dies – and on my son’s 9th birthday.  It is an overwhelmingly, devastating loss.  Thank God for my family, my sister, my brother, and my gem of a nephew who helps with Dalton, my sweet little boy; it’s so hard, so painful – so tough.  We cry together.

– Funeral and other arrangements to make.  People to contact; just doing what is necessary, it’s all tough, informing her acquaintances, so very hard.  I spend countless hours writing a bio of her life.  Never finished it but would like to someday.  It all becomes very numbing.

– Then I suddenly find I have more time, more energy.  There is sadness; everything feels different.  But I made a start on Mother’s room, going through her stuff; and I started again to do the Artist’s Way (per Molly’s advice).  I compare where I was during the time I first did the Artist’s Way when I was pregnant and living in a seriously compromised situation.  I built myself a little “bubble” to surround myself in and I managed to choose each day to face things with gratitude and optimism, with integrity, peace and perseverance, with love, forgiveness and fortitude.  It would have been so easy to have simply despaired.  I need to remember that NOW.

– I am struggling to discover what I want, what I need, why money and work issues are so frustrating and wrought with fear; what is this longing I have – to be a whole person, to not be beholden to anyone – to feel good about myself.  To not cause my family any pain.  I start checking into low income housing, go to a workshop and get info; fill out applications, and then I wait.  It is very hard being in limbo; don’t know if I will get help, don’t know if I will have place to live – but I can only do what I can do.

– I have been learning so much: with Jane, with Molly, with Group.  Still trying to find balance and deal with chaos.  I constantly am trying to revise my “schedule,” to find something that works.  I do some organizing – cleaned out hall bookcases, threw out a lot of old magazines, etc., straightened out the electrical mess in the living room, i.e., video games, TV, etc. ; made it work so it’s no longer unsightly and dangerous.

– I’ve started doing ‘Artist Dates‘ – went to the Aqus Café and then later took Dalton for dinner there to see his guitar teacher play music; had a glass of wine.  New experiences, new observations, my mind is so open now.  I an observing my world – a bird pulling up a morning worm, the color of the sunset or the sunrise, deer surprisingly in a customer’s yard one day; little birds flitting around and singing in the rain.  I am not sure how to feel about anything….

March: healing; open-eyed and vulnerable
– Artist’s Dates are a wonderful thing.  I discover art galleries; I gently start uncovering who I am; I feed my soul.  Then I ignore my resistance and experience “reading deprivation.”  I make discoveries:  I work on my clips, my “illustrated discovery journal;” I organize paperwork; I rediscover the joys of PBS and of listening to music again.  Why have I deprived myself of music for so long?

– I am starting to feel more alive and connected; seeing the beauty of life.  One morning I sit while Dalton plays a computer game, I gaze out the window.  I become aware of the music from the computer game and I see two little birds bouncing along the fence in back.  And it appears they are doing a mating dance, they dance in time to the music – the male puffed up and strutting, the female coming close, then backing off again, as if she were being coy; it went on for quite some time – I was enthralled, it was so magical.  How much of my life have I simply not paid attention to, never noticed things?   I work on my “creative journal” and remember to jot down ideas, inspiration.  I begin to “collect” all kinds of “stuff.”  I work on my schedule; try to schedule in creative time, and I create a Master Task List to give myself fluff to “fill the cracks.”     I start to discover my “wants” – art, music, songwriting, sewing – I dream of my perfect “dream house.”  So much self-inquiry going on; I am coming to terms with who I am.

– I work.  I get my client work under control; I work on setting boundaries, guidelines, expectations, etc. with my son; I deal with all the social security, disability, and financial assistance paperwork and procedures.  I feel like I am floating.   I suffer a lot of emotional conflict about being “worthy” of getting SSDI – but not wanting to accept that I am dysfunctional.  I learn that it is not good for me to work at ANYTHING longer than 4-5 hours – it makes me ill and rather nutty.  I learn to darn socks.

– My sister goes to a Tibetan Prayer Ceremony and has a white prayer flag released for me.  I am blown away by her devotion to me.  What a gift of a sister she is.  We can help each other deal with our shared grief in our different ways.

– I start getting words and music, curious and interesting perceptions and impressions in my head at all and various times – synchronicities,  intuition; I am flooded with new ideas and perceptions.  I wake up one morning with the theme from Howard Blake’s “Snowman” in my head – “Walking in the Air.”  I find the sheet music online.  I pick it out on Dalton’s keyboard.  I can play it.  I wish I owned the soundtrack CD.  And where did this come from?  I wonder.  It is all combined with the images of “snowy” plum blossoms  on the trees outside, the mockingbirds, poetry in my head.

– I suddenly start talking to the salamander who visits me on wet evenings when I am outside smoking.  He usually freezes when he sees me.  This time I talk to him and tell him that it’s OK,  he can run along home, that I won’t hurt him.  And then, surprisingly, he goes.  I think that I have made a friend and it tickles me.  I think salamanders are cute.

– I have determined that the first 3 decades of my adult life were for learning.  The last 3 decades (if I’m so lucky) will be for applying what I have learned and for living my dreams.  I must relax and trust the process.  Have I finally quit asking “why?”  I vow that the 2nd half of my life I will not be poor; I will not smoke; and I will be happy and peaceful.

– And how is it that my Mother’s death has put me on this path of self-discovery; or did it begin long before her death – perhaps I needed some solitude that I had been lacking for so long.

April: changes, new direction
– I wrote a song.  [Here]  I came up with a story idea that went with the song.  I decided to keep track for one month, of every single penny I spent and what is was and what it was for – to SEE, be aware, know what exactly it is that I do.  I am tired of struggle – I want to THRIVE.

– At about this time my sister has started to pay my bills and keep track of the inheritance money, etc.  So then I started – for the first time in years – to open my mail immediately upon receiving it and throwing out what I don’t want or need.   I reclaim a bit of my power in this way.  According to my sister, the house unaccountably starts looking in better shape.

– Unfortunately there is a communication break-down with a friend, the mother of my son’s best friend, and we lose touch.  I feel badly about it.  I feel responsible, although I didn’t mean to do any harm.   I started writing a letter but I did not finish it.  I’m not sure what to do.  Then finally, over some time, I decide to let go the “drama” and just make contact; I open the doors for her to reciprocate contact and I wait –and I let it go.

– I start organizing years of Avon paperwork and materials and throw out boxes of recycling.  I file my taxes.  Such grief over my mother – we face the final interment and put her ashes to rest.  How can she be gone?

May: surprise and forward movement
– I am thinking about dreams.  For years I used to always dream about buildings.  Big, giant, many-roomed buildings – I would be continually searching for something, from room to room.  And I would suddenly become aware that something – a monster, something horrible – would be pursuing me and I would know that I needed to find what it was I was searching for before whatever-it-was caught up with me.  It would then be right behind me and I would wake up.  I never knew what it was that I was looking for.  But it was always buildings.  Sometimes in those dreams I would find that I could fly.  Recently I find I always dream about the ocean.  About bridges, roads, going up and around and all over – often, it is like S.F., only different.

– Artist Dates – these are fun and I decide to do some things that I have been putting off for years; I take my broken camera to the camera shop to see if they can rescue the film that has pictures of my son’s 4th birthday party.  Success!  I wonder why I didn’t do this five years ago.

– finding solace in music, allowing the music/ideas/dreams/imagination – all that stuff to emerge – but battling with the other side (left brain, right brain stuff); responsibilities and duties vs. such creative longings – teeter-tottering back and forth; I need BALANCE.

– I manage to take my son to the Butter & Egg Day Parade – for the 2nd year in a row.  That feels good.  My sister and I experience our first Mother’s Day without our mother.  Together we visit her and place flowers on her crypt.  It is peaceful there, but it is hard.

– I make decision to spend my tax refund in a way that creates an angry situation between me and my sister.  There is too much financial baggage, pain, suffering, emotion.  We seek Molly’s help, together.  I endure humiliation, but it is my own fault.  I try to think of it without the context of “fault.”  It is hard.  But my sister and I love each other.  It is all very humbling.  It also makes me angry.  But what can I do?  I need to learn.  THIS is the nature of my dysfunction – this thing about money.  And ignoring it will not make it go away.  I am willing to learn, albeit I am still rebellious and resentful; mostly I am just confused…

– I decide to start writing again.  I organize my stacks of journals and writing projects.  I write and writing is BLISSFUL.  I decide I want to finish my “Little Pig” story and perhaps I can do the illustrations?  I cautiously try to draw some pigs.  And I feel hopeful.  Then I draw some more things.  And I draw and draw and draw and DRAW and it is WONDERFUL.  And I am, maybe, kind of, sort of, possibly – good?  Wow.  This is magical, marvelous, LIFE-CHANGING and extremely exciting to me.  I CAN DRAW.  I CAN DRAW WELL.  This means I can write and illustrate my book, doesn’t it – so I finish the story.  Wow, thank you, Molly!  Now I shall illustrate it, if I can.

           

– I make some progress on my house.  I clear out my shoes, I clear boxes from the hall, seeing some gradual progress.  And I gradually start to believe in my dreams; that I will publish; that I will be OK.  It is Blind Faith and perseverance – lots of emotional ups and downs.  I start to explore drawing with color, using ink, different materials and techniques.  And I am doing pictures for my book.  This is so incredible.  The Artist’s Way gets somewhat forgotten.  But I am drawing!

– With the sudden cracking of these blocks, my creativity starts to burst out all over the place and it thrills me to my core.  Somehow, breaking through these blocks has me thinking that it will perhaps help me quit smoking?  I am learning how to pay attention to my desires and be good to myself.  I get scented candles and incense, good food; honor my body and my soul, learn how to slow down and FEEL, and SEE, and BE – in the moment.  And I know that everything that IS, is OK – by the simple fact that it IS.  “It is what it is” has become my mantra.  I never before knew just how profound and freeing that statement really is.

– Such joy – I can actually FINISH something?  Is this true?  Maybe I can actually succeed; earn money even?  I feel surreal.  There is light ahead after years and years of being in the tunnel.  Perhaps I am arriving, finally I am healing.  I am becoming myself.  Doodles and sketches suddenly start appearing in my journals.  I don’t recognize this person!  Or do I?

– THEN – trouble in the bubble!  I think I’ve forgotten how to draw!  Was it a cruel joke?  I am losing my mind!  Or perhaps I am simply overwhelmed.  But it seems something happens when I am given an “assignment.”  I try to hang onto my wits and force myself to LET myself draw.  Whew.  Depression, hormones, overwhelm, life happens.  Hormones cause havoc in my life these days.  Can we say “perimeno-crap?”  It sucks.  It is what it is.  I am going through so many changes here.  Am I eating enough?  I decide to log what I eat and drink every day for one week – to be aware of what I do, to make sure that I am taking adequate care of myself in this way.

– I am plagued by the issue of money.   I explore conflicted feelings about my not wanting to accept others’ interpretation of reality – am I just stuck in “denial?”  But I feel that I must believe in magic, or there is only emptiness.  I choose to hold onto faith and wait for the magic, is that so wrong?  It has often worked – if I pay attention.  Or am I just crazy….  But I believe in this formula:  Desire, Ask, Believe; Receive – and be Grateful.  And it does work.

– So I sit back and I give myself permission to unleash years of backed up and blocked creative outflow.  I am hit with insights:  that I am strong and that faith can move mountains.  A mountain was blocking my creativity and I moved that mountain; can I now move the mountain that is blocking me from having the right home and the ability to be financially solvent?  But I know no actions to take.  I can only do my work; and believe; and be grateful and free.

June: Breathe, regroup
– And then SSDI is approved!!!  That is one miracle accomplished!  RELIEF!  I am still not sure what will happen with my housing – but, in the meantime, perhaps a respite.  And I have Dalton’s summer pretty well scheduled with camps, sports, swimming lessons – good job there.

– I start trying to quit smoking – first I log every cigarette to see how many I smoke and in what circumstances.  I need to be aware of what I do.  Then I gradually reduce how many I smoke each day.

– I manage to clear out several boxes in office; cleared out pantry and kitchen cupboards, cleaned off counters and got rid of junk.

– I design PowerPoint birthday card thing for my sister.  I spend too much time on it and get frustrated, so have to stop – good enough.  But I would like to polish it at some point.

–Dalton and Tyler get in bunches of trouble.  But I am finally learning how to be tough and matter-of-fact about things; dealing with things much better.  Parenting is hard, but I’m doing OK.  I think I’m ready to start scheduling dental work.  Not sure yet if I am actually going to be able to quit smoking, but summer has started out on a positive note.  There is hope.

Continue reading →

Posted in 2009, Annual Summary, Onward & Upward | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Comments Off on 2009 Summary

Christmas 2009

Posted on December 25, 2009 by Linda

And here is a letter I wrote to distant family members; I have always admired those who managed to write annual Christmas letters, so I thought I would give it a try.  But, I think perhaps it’s just not “my thing.”

Christmas 2009

It seems like Christmas just comes around quicker and quicker every year, doesn’t it?  I can’t believe how fast the years are flying by – or that this will be Dalton’s 10th Christmas already; how did that happen?

This year has been full of changes and we have had some difficult challenges.  As you know, we lost my mother early this past year; we will be feeling that loss for a long time to come. Dalton adored his grandma but has been adjusting remarkably well.  I know we will miss her on Christmas.

This year also is landmark for Dalton with his dad moving to the area after being absent for many years. Dalton is very pleased that his dad will now be a regular part of his life.  He will be dividing up his time this Christmas between spending time with his dad and being with me for our traditional Christmas activities.  I am very happy for Dalton and hope that he receives many blessings from having his dad involved in his life.  There will be some adjustments, but so far we are doing fine.

Dalton is in the 4th Grade this year and doing great:  He has advanced to 5th Grade Reading, is on the Honor Roll,  and has been invited to take part in the District-wide “GATE” program which is aimed at providing an enriched learning experience for “Gifted and Talented” kids.  I am very proud him – not only for his academic achievement but for the fact that he gets along with everyone and has many good friends!  He is my pride and joy and I am eternally blessed to have such a great kid.

I have been doing pretty well myself.  I am still lucky enough to enjoy the freedom and flexibility of working at home doing the bookkeeping, typing, and occasional desktop publishing and web design that I’ve been doing for a number of years now.  But, in addition to that, this year I have been driven to engage in some of the creative activities that I have always longed to spend time doing: I have been writing and drawing (as you can see from this handmade card) and I intend to pursue publication of some of my work, including the children’s book I have been currently working on.  I am thoroughly enjoying revisiting the creative side of myself after so many years of putting it aside.

Probably the biggest blessing of the year is that after 31 years I have finally quit smoking and I am determined to succeed at being smoke-free the rest of my life!  This is, by far, the hardest thing I have ever done, but there is no question that it isn’t worth every bit of it.  Dalton has been very supportive to me in this endeavor, and I know my mother would’ve liked to see this happen too.

Another blessing that I remind myself of often is how lucky we are to be near to my brother and sister and their families; Dalton enjoys spending time with his aunts and uncles and his cousin, Scott.  Scott will not be with us this Christmas because his very first job is one that has him flying planes all over the country.  But we will be thinking of him.  Cherie is very proud of how accomplished her son is although she misses him! It is too bad that we can’t all always be together, but our thoughts and hearts are always with our loved ones wherever they are across the miles.

We wish you peace and joy this holiday season and send you all our love,

Linda and Dalton

 

 

Posted in 2009, Ruminations | Tagged , , | Comments Off on Christmas 2009

FENG SHUI

Posted on November 15, 2009 by Linda

In my efforts to try to “fix” my environment, I am reading about ‘Feng Shui’ and have decided where to make some changes:

Here are some books, purchased in March 2008, for this process:

Clear Your Clutter With Feng Shui

Fast Feng Shui

And here are some other books about organizing one’s home:

Stephanie Winston’s Best Organizing Tips

Bought in October, 2008:

 ADD-Friendly Ways to Organize Your Life

And one of my absolute favorites (Purchased in January, 2009):
How to Get Organized Without Resorting to Arson

Needless to say, this is a huge process for me – ongoing, always continuing, never quite getting there.  But I keep trying…

 

Posted in 2009, Books, Onward & Upward, Ruminations, Tools | Tagged , , , | Comments Off on FENG SHUI

“Demon of Time”

Posted on October 7, 2009 by Linda

Posted in Ruminations | Tagged , | Comments Off on “Demon of Time”

The Unreality of Time

Posted on October 7, 2009 by Linda

Here is something I found, written by John Ellis McTaggart, in 1908.  This is quite a challenge to wrap your brain around!  There are also a number of typos, especially towards the end, which make it even more of a challenge to grasp, but if one is interested in the challenge, it is kind of fun, in a “warped” kind of way.  

The Unreality of Time  (I have never really considered “time” as being real.  So finding this made me feel better.)

Posted in Ruminations | Tagged , | Comments Off on The Unreality of Time

“Time Warps”

Posted on October 7, 2009 by Linda

10/7/2009

I have lately decided that, instead of focusing on what I do wrong or what my failings and shortcomings are, I will focus on the things I do right; I check in with myself periodically and give myself validation that what I am currently doing is acceptable and just engage in whatever I choose to do at the present time, trying to keep in mind what my overall goals for the day are.

Then, as sometimes happens, I will be so engaged in something that I lose track of time and realize suddenly that I should have moved on.  Like today, when I was writing, I knew that I was going over the amount of time that I had planned to spend doing this, but my time-limits are somewhat flexible and I decided I would stop when I got to a certain point, and I did.  However, once I moved on to doing other things, I suddenly saw that it was time to pick up my son at school – and, in fact, I was ten minutes late.  I no longer try to figure out how ten minutes could suddenly go by in an instant; it just happens. 

Now, in the past in this situation, I would see what time it was, panic and fret over being late.  I would instantly jump into overdrive, start trying to think of everything that I maybe should’ve done differently, try to figure out how this happened, and fret over what I needed to do now to rearrange my schedule since I obviously screwed up, and I would run out the door feeling frazzled, frustrated and berating myself, worrying that my son would be waiting for me and upset.

I would race down the road, getting impatient over the traffic, trying to think up excuses for why I am late and when I decide to blame it on the traffic, the traffic cooperates by being really bad and then I am really late and feel guilty, but I tell myself that I do have an excuse.  And I promise myself I will try harder to do better.

Well, this is what I did today:  I saw the time and realized that I needed to leave now – at the present time – to pick up Dalton.  I did not let it register that according to my clock, I was already late.  I simply turned around, picked up my purse and my keys and walked out the door.  I focused on nothing other than the task at hand, I am leaving, I am going to pick up my son.  I drove to the school without paying attention to the traffic or thinking about being late.  I behaved and thought in the same way I would if I had left in plenty of time.  I arrived at the school very quickly, practically unaware that any time had even passed.  And I was there before my son had left the building.  According to the clock in my car, it had taken me one minute to get there.  But, it takes 10 minutes.

But, I was on time; no guilt, no stress, no worries.  I simply picked up my son like I was supposed to do.  And when I got home, I could look at my schedule and see what I’d accomplished and that the only tasks I had remaining could be easily done.  No guilt, no frustration, no self-berating. 

And this is what I mean when I have talked about “time-warps.”  This is what I mean when I say that nothing is impossible.  A “rational” individual would have looked at the time on my clock and known without question that I was going to be ten minutes late to the school, no way about it.  However, I did not do that.  I kept the thought in my head that now was the time to pick my son up and that is what I was presently doing.  So where did those ten minutes go?  You tell me.  This type of thing has happened to me many times in my life.

And this is why I believe in “magic.”  BELIEVING is the key.

In conclusion though, what this means to me is that what we focus on determines what we get, what we experience.  And I am finding that when I focus on the positives and on getting what I desire – being how I want to be – then I get more positives.  And when I only focus on my shortcomings and on problems, then that is what I experience.

This is very powerful, and this is real.  It works.  Why do we seem to always have so much trouble believing in something that is so powerful; something that can vastly improve our lives?  Why are we afraid to believe things?  It is an interesting question, but it is one that I am finding answers to within my own life.  Maybe we just need to go through the process of finding these things out for ourselves, in our own time.

Food for thought. 

…And regarding the issue of “TIME,” here’s more food for thought:

“The Unreality of Time“

“The Demon of Time“

 

Posted in 2009, Onward & Upward, Ruminations | Tagged , , , | Comments Off on “Time Warps”

“Bob”

Posted on September 24, 2009 by Linda

He sees things in black and white
I’m all the colors in between.
He lives among the trees and hills;
I live in a castle built of stone.

He sees a thing for what it is.
I see it for all of its possibilities.
He views life as real and solid and contiguous;
I see it as a swirling mass of everything; a virtual stream of consciousness.

He embraces reality, and I indulge myself in unreality as much as possible…

It’s important for him to be successful.
It’s important for me to be free.
Where he is sunshine and rainbows, I’m in love with dark melancholia.
Where he is joy, I am romance.

He is a major key – and I am a minor one.
He climbs tall mountains, and I remain to float in a soft bubble of color.
He soars with the eagles
And I float with the swans.

He worships the sun and I the stars – for the stars cast no shadows.

Where can we connect?
What is to become of our love; our laughter?  Can it survive?
Are we so different?

The sun, after all, is a star.
And without both major and minor keys, there would be no music.
Eagles and swans are not that different, are they?

And dreams are important.  For without the subconscious, where would the conscious be?

Lord, help us…

(leb, 1994)

Posted in 2009, Ruminations | Tagged , | Comments Off on “Bob”

9/24/2009

Posted on September 24, 2009 by Linda

When I get up in the morning, I often have odd things just pop into my head out of nowhere.  Sometimes it will be songs or parts of songs that I haven’t heard for decades.  Other times it will be odd memories, conversations, whatever.

This morning as I was writing in my journal, something popped into my head, and I remembered something I once wrote when I was dating this guy back in the early 1990’s.  I’m not sure what led me into that relationship; Bob was unlike most men I had dated.  But in most respects he was good to me.  On the other hand, I had the awareness that he really didn’t “approve of” me.  And over the years that we dated, there were some rocky times.  Bob was funny and entertaining, I enjoyed being with him.  And I know he cared about me even though I knew he didn’t totally respect or understand me.  I remember being often frustrated.  He had a particular world-view, based on his (Jewish) upbringing, which I found very foreign.  We really didn’t have all that much in common.

For one thing, I remember that I would do what my brain often does, and say something like “ wouldn’t it be cool if …” and then be surprised when he would tell me all the reasons why whatever it was I was saying was unrealistic, illogical, or simply silly.  But my mind was just “playing” and I couldn’t understand why he couldn’t see that.  I remember asking him, “Why do you always have to burst my bubble?”

We were together for nearly four years.  But at one point I asked him if he could envision a future for us, because suddenly I was not sure that he did.  And he said, “Frankly, no, I do not.”  I asked him how he could spend four years with me without seeing any future; he told me that he had dated women lots of times for long periods of time without having any interest in a permanent relationship.  I was rather stunned.  Maybe I wouldn’t have been if I had been younger, but we were both in our 30’s, and it just didn’t make sense to me to spend so much time with someone with no future in mind. And that was it, I was done.  But I was sad, although I could somewhat understand it.

And I remember writing this thing as I attempted to understand the things that were wrong with our relationship.  And this basically describes a relationship of two people who come from different worlds:  “Bob”

I shared this with my therapist (Molly) and she found it “moving” and speaks very well about the differences between “ADD” people and “linear” people and suggested that I share it in Group.

Posted in 2009, Ruminations | Tagged | Comments Off on 9/24/2009

9/22/2009

Posted on September 22, 2009 by Linda

I just re-read the things I wrote last week about ADD and giftedness, etc.  I love to research, learn, and explore new ideas.   And I am recalling the sense of “bliss” and serenity that I experienced for the better part of the week.  I would like to learn how to recapture that at will. 

There are some things that I want to explore and understand this morning.  One thing that occurs to me is that in discovering one has ADD, there is a process – or has been for me anyway.

First, there are all the years of struggle and frustration and pain.  Then, the diagnosis of ADD brings a sense of relief in that it goes a long way towards understanding my self and my past.  But along with that relief, there is also pain and sadness – and difficulty in trying to reconcile myself with the idea of being afflicted by a “disorder” – because while it does make sense, it also conflicts with my sense of self.  It is very uncomfortable to accept having what is considered a “disability.”  However, in doing so, one also learns.  It forces me to view myself with total honesty in an attempt to understand.  A lot of emotions surface:  self-righteous anger and resentment, for one thing; determination, for another thing – but not the same kind of determination to overcome and succeed according to the “old” non-ADD rules, but rather determination to succeed according to one’s own “lights” and according to one’s own rules, which I am finally starting to be able to accept as valid.

And at this point, I start to see my strengths instead of my weaknesses and difficulties.  I become aware of my talents and abilities.  I can now view my past in a different context.  I actually had a lot of “successes,” despite the fact that I always discounted them – probably due to the fact that nothing really conformed to a non-ADD view of what success is.  But I was always able to do well what I found myself doing.  My failure was in not persisting in whatever it was.  Because I found myself unhappy and could not continue on whatever path I was on, I saw myself as failing.  I certainly did not get rich financially, but I can say that I got “rich” in experience and knowledge.  Is experience for the sake of itself, valuable?  Who determines what is of value; it’s an individual thing – or is it?

I can now say that I have basically reclaimed my “power.”  I no longer feel or consider myself “disabled” or “damaged.”  I feel completely competent.  I have mostly always been able to do whatever I set out to do and have done it well.  If there is ever anything that I cannot do, or that I am “not good at,” I believe it is either because I haven’t yet learned it, or because those things have never had an intrinsic value to me.  If I cannot do something, it is either because I am going at it the wrong way, because I lack information, or because deep-down, the required motivation is not there.  I believe that all things are a matter of choice – even if one is not aware that they have chosen.

But – given the fact that my motivations have caused problems; particularly – if not solely – in the area of financial management, then I need to find the motivation that will enable me to choose to do whatever is necessary to overcome this challenge – in order to not cause myself or others fear, pain, and difficulty.  I am not sure why my motivation there is lacking – it gets all tied up in feelings of anger and resentment.  I think this must come from a lack of knowledge and my belief that the only way I will ever have any money is if I sacrifice myself, my goals, my dreams, the things that are important in my very soul.  And I think it is this belief that causes the problem.  Unfortunately, I do not have any fuel to change that belief.

The only thing I know – what has been programmed into me from the beginning, and what is, for all I know just the way the world works, is and has always been virtually unacceptable to me.

Perception is everything and if I perceive that something is not possible, then that becomes the reality.  So I have a brick wall in front of me when it comes to this problem.  And I am not talking about spending being the problem; it is a question of earning that is the problem.  I have always believed the answer is “out there” but I have always found it totally illusive.  I simply need more information.  This might sound crazy to some, but it makes perfect sense to me.  And I have come much further in my understanding than ever before.

It is this very conflict, in a nutshell, that is the basis for all my underlying pain and suffering where money is concerned.  This is the issue that has always tied my brain up in knots.

My hope has been that with this gift of receiving disability income, I will have some time and space to figure out this thing.  And that is where I am now.  I am not looking at my precarious financial situation as being the end-all of how my future will be.  I am viewing this as a temporary respite until I reach this still-somewhat-nebulous place I want to be.  I know that I cannot stay in this situation for years on end without something changing; I do know that.

And here I have solved one area of consternation for me:  I had determined that I need to, and would earn a certain amount each month in addition to disability.  However, I have not been able so far to consistently work as much as I had determined.  What I have realized, though, is that if I cannot manage to work any more than I ever could, is that really surprising?  That is why I applied for disability in the first place.  And also, just because I make myself work a certain numbers of hours a week, that does not mean I will earn any more than I always earn each year because that will not change unless I change something else:  like obtain more clients.  Otherwise, it makes no difference.  The same amount of work gets done.  It was rather silly of me to expect that it would be different.  So I either have to make this WORK, or I need to change something.  But I believe that I can make it work and find what I am seeking; I have to.

I think the bottom line is that money does not motivate me.  That may be highly unusual, but it’s true.  Money is not a motivator for me at all.  What motivates me to work is the fulfillment of someone’s expectations; if someone is counting on me, that motivates me – whether they pay me or not really doesn’t matter at the most basic level – or if I find the work itself intrinsically valuable in and of itself, that motivates me.  So if this is all true, then I’ve been looking at it backwards.  If it is what I do, and/or for whom I do it, or for some purpose other than simply to earn money – if that is what motivates me, then it is simply a matter of doing something that I find valuable, or that someone else finds valuable enough to pay me for.  The money should come as a natural consequence, a natural result of what I do.  But it’s the “doing” that must hold value – to me.  I simply have to have it in my head the right way.  That is how I will overcome that challenge.

And this tells me that the knowledge I need to obtain is to learn what carries value to me; i.e., what do I enjoy doing – that others might find value in.  That is a new perspective for me.  And so as I explore and discover myself, this can be my goal.  And in the meantime, I just need to maintain and make things work.

It becomes easy for me to see just why I’ve had so much trouble working.  If money does not motivate me, then it is obvious why it has felt near impossible for me to persist at doing things that are repugnant to me.  That I’ve been as successful as I have is an enormous achievement in that sense.  But it’s also been life-stealing.  It makes life a living hell.  So, not only is the concept of “work” repugnant to me, but so is the concept of “money.”  And there is the nature of my problem.

It has been said that if you do what you love, the money will come.  That needs to be the message that guides me.  So what things do I love to do?  Wow, that sounds like a fun journey.

You know – I’ve been told all my life that you do what you must do even if you don’t like it.  Thousands (millions?) of people go to work every day to a job they don’t like.  They call it “responsibility.”  There’s my other problem.  If I do not wish to be irresponsible – and I don’t – I have been told that this is what I must “accept.”  I have fought this belief all my life – not very successfully.  I have believed it a defect in me – a lack of character – that I do not want to accept this.  Everything in me rebels at that notion.  I refuse to accept that life is so unfriendly and mean.  But I don’t want to accept, either, that I am selfish and arrogant at thinking I can somehow escape that sentence or that I am “too good” for it.  I don’t think anyone should accept such a thing.

And it’s not like I haven’t done my fair share.  I am capable of doing what I find unpleasant, trust me – I have had all too much experience with that.  That is pretty much all I know.  I cannot help what I find unpleasant.  How can I change that?  Either you like something or you don’t.  Is that a character fault; that you dislike something?  To me, it seems a character defect that you would continue and persist in doing things you dislike!  What value is there in that?  What is the motivation; to be a martyr?  Are we a society of martyrs?  For what purpose or benefit would that be?  Or could it be that most people do not totally hate what they do?  I don’t believe that most people could do what I have done in terms of forcing themselves to do something so hateful when there is no intrinsic motivation, and only an extrinsic necessity that may or may not be required in one’s perception (or example, for me, the extrinsic “necessity” of earning a living).  Does this make me a hero?  But I have no more desire to be a hero than I do a martyr.

I believe that everyone deserves a life of happiness and fulfillment – not only do we all deserve it, but I believe it is our obligation to try; that we are alive to live, learn, love, share and be the free and unique individuals that we are; that we should strive to be who we really are and that has nothing to do with money.  It may be true that money is as necessary a part of our lives and as much of a requirement as food and shelter – since money IS, after all, what is required for food and shelter – but it is not money that fulfills us as human beings.  And if money is my only perceived “disability” as my sister will say, then I need to change my perceptions about money.  I need to put things in the right order.  Do what you love, be who you are, and the money will come.  I am capable of doing whatever I choose to do; that must then include earning enough money.

I have enough right now to live on.  I will get where I want to go.  I refuse to entertain negative thoughts or emotions.  If I am mindful of my goals and who I am, then everything I do is acceptable.  If I spend my time today writing instead of working, I must trust that I will fulfill my work obligations at the right time when it is needed.  I must follow my muse, my motivations, when they are in line with my overall goals.  I must stay connected to who I am and not run in circles feeling guilty or angry or sad.  I can make my life work.  I can be beautiful, successful and free. 

Money and Time:  two things that seem so intangible and strangely abstract to me….

Posted in 2009, Onward & Upward, Ruminations | Tagged , , , , , , | Comments Off on 9/22/2009

“ADD” vs. “Gifted”

Posted on September 16, 2009 by Linda

9/16/09

I have recently felt compelled to do some research on an issue that has me feeling some consternation and confusion.  There has apparently been a debate going on regarding how one can differentiate between children who are “gifted” and those who have ADD/ADHD.  The problem arises from the fact that the two conditions appear to possess the very same traits and characteristics.  I find it interesting that two children exhibiting the very same behavior can end up where one of them is labeled “gifted” and, therefore, is deserving of enrichment, and the other is given the diagnosis of having a “disorder,” indicating the need for medical or psychological intervention and treatment.

Differentiating Giftedness From ADHD

Now, to me, this is total B.S.  What a wonderful way to totally mess with people’s lives and a child’s sense of self and self-esteem.  How this child is “labeled” will affect his or her entire life!  And no wonder there is anxiety among teachers and medical professionals over this:  how must it feel to have the power to so affect a child’s entire world and future by simply applying a label? 

There are some professionals who have taken the time to outline what differences they say clearly and, in fact, do exist between the two conditions.  When I look at what these “differences” consist of I see no difference at all.  

For instance, I have read several papers that say that a “gifted” child will not pay attention because he/she is BORED.  But that a child with ADD will not pay attention because he/she is simply UNABLE to pay attention.  And, that a “gifted” child when engaged in an interesting activity or exercise is capable of deep and sustained attention, whereas a child with ADD is capable only of “hyper-focusing.”  Excuse me?  These people claim that “hyper-focus,” is inappropriately directed at something that is to no rewarding purpose for the ADD child.  Excuse me?

ADHD and Children Who Are Gifted

Is there a determination on what is appropriately labeled “boring” or “interesting?”  And is it not possible that the “ADD” child is unable to pay attention simply because he/she also finds the material boring?  I repeat:  I find this all to be a bunch of hooey!  No wonder everyone is confused!  Think of the kids involved!  I would not want to be one of them.

Except, guess what?  I WAS.  However, when I was a child, nobody knew anything about ADD.  And nobody was going around labeling kids.  I was pretty hyperactive, and my family will attest to that, and I did daydream a lot.  But I did fine in school and, in fact, was generally ahead of my class; my grades were good.  But I was very bored and I most definitely did not like school.  I would often be reading books in class when I was supposed to be paying attention.  And I never wanted to go to school.

When ADD became known, it became very obvious that the “symptoms” as described, fit me remarkably accurately.  I always did feel like a “misfit” in many ways.  But I never had any trouble learning.  I just had trouble with boredom and frustration.  So is that “ADD” or is it “Giftedness?”  And how do we interpret what being “gifted” really means?  I believe that people who have been given that label have probably been made to feel as much of a problem and a misfit as those who have been labeled as having ADD.

So is there a difference?  First of all, I believe that it is rather silly to try to put all the varying degrees of differentness in human beings into a handful of labeled “types.”  And there is no way to create a “box” that every human being fits into.  I realize that it is only possible to have so many different ways in which children can be taught at school; and some are slow-learners, some are fast-learners, and different kids learn in different ways.  According to some, there are only five ways that people learn:  Verbal, Visual, Tactile, Kinesthetic, and Aural (although there are many theories). And some kids don’t seem to cooperate or pay attention at all but somehow seem to learn regardless; sometimes the lowest performers end up shocking all by scoring off the charts on achievement tests.  So who is “gifted” and who is “disabled?”

As for my view of what ADD is, I believe that there are, and have always been, individuals who come along who are viewed as “misfits” in some way, and that these are people who are typically nonconformists to some degree; free-thinkers, people who question things; creative individuals who “think outside the box”, are innovators and so-called “mavericks.”  These are the people who stand out, who make things happen, make discoveries, and change the world.  Without these people, nothing would ever change.  The human race would never grow or evolve.

But in many cases, people like this have been criticized, laughed at, called “stupid,” or “lazy,” or “crazy” and have suffered for their “condition.”  I believe that typically, people labeled “ADD” are highly intelligent, often creative, and totally capable human beings, but very frequently are left feeling like failures or disappointments.  I think this is especially true of our modern society where our society dictates that we perform in certain ways – perhaps in ways that are uncomfortable and undesirable to this type of person.  And after all, these days, our lives are often difficult – for most everyone – and particularly for those of us who supposedly have ADD.  So we struggle.

But, is ADD a “disorder?” Does having ADD mean being “damaged?”  How fair is that?  I can say that trying to live in this society with ADD does bring problems and difficulties.  Our society is not designed to work well for the small population of people who are a little “different.”  It would not be possible for it to be so, since it is apparently not possible for the world at large to even begin to understand the mind of someone who has ADD!  And here now my anger is revealed.

I am angry at the pain.  I am angry at the confusion and the insecurity, the self-doubt and self-loathing.

So – If we are going to use “labels,” I want to have it straight:  Am I gifted or disabled?  They are now saying that a person can be Both.

What do we Really Know?

Just so, a person can have other conditions along with ADHD.  It seems that ADD diagnoses are often accompanied by other conditions, such as learning disorders like dyslexia, or psychological conditions such as depression.  Could having ADD bring about some of these conditions?  I know in my case if I had known about ADD earlier and if my childhood experience had been different, I might have never experienced the serious depression that I have suffered in my life.  If I had been recognized as the creative and talented person I seem to be, I might have enjoyed my fair share of success instead of life-long frustration.  I submit that ADD is not a condition, but simply a personality type; a type which unfortunately does not integrate well in modern society, or conform to the masses.

Apparently there is a difference in brain anatomy or chemistry in people with ADD.  I would be interested in learning whether people who are labeled “gifted” show any brain differences.  And what does this really mean anyway?  Is there a “right” and “wrong” way for our minds to work?  Who decides?  And who says the “majority” gets to decide what is TRUE or not true.  They already seem to make all the RULES.  I get angry that I HAVE to do things a certain way in order for my life to work.  Because something inside tells me that it shouldn’t HAVE to be that way.  And, in fact, it hasn’t always been this way.

I reject the idea that ADD is a disability.  However, I am on disability.  I have had to admit to some difficulties that have impacted my life and rendered me dysfunctional.  But I put it out there that had some of these people throughout history who are known for their contributions in science, music, art, and literature – those people who we have praised and revered:  if we were to stick them here in our current society, then I would expect that they would also be rendered “disabled.”  And I guess I can be OK with that, as disturbing and distressing as it may be.

But I think we need to leave our children alone.  Let’s not try to put them in boxes with labels on them!  That is the surest way to doom them to disability and despair.  And I know what that feels like.  It is an evil thing.  Why not let them fly, and leave them to be the beautiful individuals they are?  We need them.

Posted in 2009, Ruminations | Tagged , , | Comments Off on “ADD” vs. “Gifted”

9/16/2009

Posted on September 16, 2009 by Linda

And where do I begin?

OK – here is a thing I do not like:  I try to get on top of a schedule, to plan my days and schedule my time, in an effort to accomplish as much as I can.  Then, this morning, I am hit by inspiration and need to write.

Sometimes my mind will be working away on something for a period of time; chugging away in my subconscious at putting some nebulous perceptions into an articulate and concise form.  Suddenly, it appears in the front of my mind, ready and needing to be put down on paper.  I can hardly bear to go through the motions of my normal routine to get my son to school and get home so that I can sit down and write.  But I do.  (And I am even getting better at keeping on task despite interruptions.)

But as I write, I have one eye on the clock.  I am “scheduled” to do certain other tasks and I cannot overstay my window.  So I dutifully stop.  I take my shower; I know that I am “scheduled” to work.  But all the time I am doing the things I need to do, my mind is still writing.  Such perfect words, lovely sentences, and insightful phrases run through my head, finding new paths and making new connections, forming new insights.  I’m on a roll and it is exciting to me.

I find myself hating that I am not able to write it all down right now.  I am afraid that by the time I am able to write, all this “good stuff” will be GONE.  I have many times in my life wished I could somehow download what is in my brain in some kind of direct link that can be transcribed onto paper or into a computer.  But I just have to believe and hope that if it was good enough and necessary enough that it will come back and be there when I am ready for it.  However, it is not always possible to summon inspiration or insight on command.  It is not easy to make myself write when my “muse” does not seem to be present or awake.

And here is my dilemma:  What often happens in these situations is that the frustration and inner turmoil from this conflict of what I want to do vs. what I need to do conspire to eat up all my time and energy so that I end up not accomplishing either.  The time gets away from me and leaves me feeling angry, resentful, frustrated, and often depressed.

The obvious solution would seem to be that I should go with the flow when the inspiration hits; just do it – the other things can be done later.  Except that I have learned that doesn’t always happen.  It is hard enough to plan my schedule in the first place.  If I throw it out the window at any given time, then it tends to screw me up completely.

My natural tendency is to do things on the fly, as the inspiration or the urge hits me.  I have learned to curb my impulsiveness when it would not benefit me, but creative urgings rebel against being scheduled.  If I had all the time in the world in which to do all the things I both need and want to do, then I don’t suppose I would have a problem, as long as I kept myself focused on my goals.  However, my life consists of too many responsibilities and necessities for me to be able to follow my whims, for the most part.

The main problem is that it takes extreme force of will on my part for me to do the things that I find distasteful but that are extrinsically necessary – like performing my income-producing work.  And I say “extrinsic” because to me, it is not personally something I would choose to do if I didn’t have to.  It has no intrinsic value to me.  It angers me that I have to do this in order to survive.  How boring is that?  But how dare I feel that way; everybody else has to do it so why do I think I should be somehow excused from it?

Now things like taking a shower, eating, sleeping, taking out the garbage, etc., etc., are also things that I find boring and annoying wastes of time.  However, it is easy to see why these things are necessary and it really isn’t too difficult to take care of most of the basics in life.  Plus, I have a bit more control over those things in terms of when those things get done or what they consist of.

But work – how did I ever end up being stuck doing types of work that are so counter to the type of person I am?  I have spent years and countless amounts of time agonizing over this question and trying to figure out how to change what I do so that it is not so abhorrent and distasteful; so that working doesn’t become such an agony.  And it is.  And when I keep putting it off and not doing it, it causes me severe financial difficulties that I find mortifyingly horrible and scary.  And that carries with it self-flagellation and accusations of laziness, selfishness, stupidity – very counter-productive and damaging to my self-esteem.

I agonize, I get conflicted, I end up doing nothing; I despair.

What gives? 

These feelings often spill over to affect every other area of my life.  The self-loathing causes me to sabotage all my other efforts in all other areas of my life.  And so then all those brilliant ideas and the lovely language running through my head like a beautiful, magical dream, gets buried, lost, and lamented.  And I am sad.  Sometimes I am angry.  Sometimes, it all just makes me want to take a nap and forget it all.

The thing is, sometimes I am perfectly fine with working.  I determine that that is what I will do and I do it, no problem.  It feels good to be productive, blah, blah, blah.  Making money is good, apparently, or so I’m told.

And when I work in spurts like that, at times when my mind is perfectly aligned with the process, it would be fine if I didn’t need a more dependable sort of income.  I end up earning the same thing at the end of the year, no matter what.  But some months I make nothing and other months I make three months’ worth of living expenses.  This is the way I am most capable of working.  So how can I make all of this work for me such that I do not have to suffer these negative feelings and can instead follow my “muse” when it hits?

Or do I HAVE to learn to MAKE myself do it differently and ignore my inclinations and impulses??

Such is my dilemma.

 

Posted in 2009, Onward & Upward, Ruminations | Tagged , , , , | Comments Off on 9/16/2009

STATE OF OVERWHELM

Posted on May 27, 2009 by Linda

Sometimes it’s hard just to remember to breathe…

Daily/normal – continuous – parenting, groceries, garbage duty, meal prep, packing lunches, dishes, driving, school, homework, play-dates  sports and activity scheduling, volunteering, constant house upkeep, enlisting Dalton’s help to do things, or not to do things, clothes, laundry put away, sort/outgrown, needs assessment, morning and bedtime routines, dealing with defiance, arguments, behavior difficulties, wants, concerns, needs, fears, keeping busy, attention and moods, screening TV, computer, etc., pet care, attention and needs, litter-box, feeding/water, clean-up, distractions.

Missing my mother, sorting/clearing her stuff, my stuff, what to do with everything, anxiety, where am I going to live, will it be OK  how am I going to do it – financial fears, uncertainty, trying to find motivation to work, find more clients – feeling sick.  But a job feels much, much worse.  Confusion re daily scheduling, disruptions when no school.

Summer camp, swimming lessons, sports, scheduling.  Dentist for Dalton – who/how, dealing with his dad – trying to get Dalton to talk to him on regular basis; dealing with issues re in-laws and gifts, promises, etc. – waiting for child support, never knowing if or when it’s coming.  Dealing with food stamps, reporting, budgeting – just making myself shower.  Therapy 2-3 times a week, making myself eat and sleep; dealing with Avon customers, orders, deliveries, requests, payments, returns, getting things out on schedule.  Keeping track of tax deadlines for bookkeeping clients, responding immediately to client requests for work, keeping track of billable time, invoicing, recording financial transactions, keeping accounts balanced, making sure bills are taken care of.  Making sure garbage and recycling goes out on time, making sure Dalton brushes his teeth and takes a bath once in a while; making sure the alarm clock is set.  Making sure we aren’t out of coffee, milk, toilet paper, etc.  Trying to keep on a daily schedule, constantly making sure I have childcare covered when needed.  Remembering to charge my cell phone, remembering to put it back in my purse afterwards, remembering to keep my pills refilled, remembering to take them; figuring out what on earth to feed my son and myself every day.

Trying to incorporate and assimilate new info about myself, dealing with multiple emotions about this point in my life – being an artist, being “allowed” to write.  Trying to let myself believe in this new reality and resulting possibilities; feeling anger and resentment; feeling humbled and scared.  Being afraid to hope, being depressed – making myself hope and believe; uncertainty about what my role is and if I’m capable of doing what is necessary – capable of even understanding what must be done.  Financial confusion about income needs, food stamps, SSDI, healthcare, etc. and anxiety about quitting smoking.  Feeling torn this way and that way and every way; trying to balance my “art,” parenting and household duties, client and customer responsibilities, family expectations and constantly changing priorities; finding myself at times needing something I can’t quite put my fingers on – going from despair to elation, but endeavoring to swing back to the center in order to put my “mother” hat on – or one of many others.  Trying to find balance, dealing with hormonal havoc… Household chaos, I am not accomplishing beyond surface level cleaning and pickup – too much stuff, don’t know what to do with it; wanting order but not knowing how to accomplish it; I have done no filing, it is dreadful; I have been working very, very little – and how do I know what I need until I am able to do what I currently have?  Why can’t I work, and get from Point A to Point B – I never feel like I have enough time.

But I DO KNOW.  I just, sometimes, cannot DO.   And if this is OVERWHELMED – how did I cope when my Mother was still alive and I had to also care for her?

 

Posted in 2009, Ruminations | Tagged , , , | Comments Off on STATE OF OVERWHELM

“Money Doesn’t Buy Happiness”

Posted on April 19, 2009 by Linda

Here is a song that dropped into my head one day.   The Universe threw me a bone – it jumped out and I had to hurry to the paper to catch it.  The “story” that came to mind with this song was about a race to get all the toys in the world.  And at the end of the story, when this child has every toy in the world, we hear:  “I don’t know what to do, I’m bored.”  

(Please note:  I do NOT know how to write music.  But this ought to show what it kinda, sorta is meant to sound like.)

Money Doesn’t Buy Happiness

Money doesn’t buy happiness [No it doesn’t]
[ F    C     C    F    A   C    B     Bflat ]

Things do not make a better day [No, not THINGS!]
[ G    E    G   D   D   C    Bflat    A]

Possessions galore
[ F     F     C   A    C ]

Yet still we want more!
[ Bflat   E     C     D ]

Tell me how I get out of this race!
[ C   C   D   Bflat   D  A  G   G   F ]

[second verse]

They invent some new thing every day [Wow]
We’re told we must have it for sure [Really?]
We’ve money to burn
That we’ve not yet earned!  [Now that doesn’t sound right!]
Who cares if we can’t pay the bill.  [Oh dear.]

[third verse]

My son wants a new toy every day  [Every day?]
He thinks money must grow on trees  [Silly boy!]
Just one toy, Mommy please
I’ll be good as can be
And how can I say No to that face? [Oh no!]

BUT STOP!!!  [screech, bang, glass breaking]

[Repeat 1st verse]

MONEY DOESN’T BUY HAPPINESS!
THINGS DO NOT MAKE IT A BETTER DAY!
POSSESSIONS GALORE!
YET STILL WE WANT MORE!
PLEASE GET ME OUT OF THIS PLACE!

[new key]

You’ve got to…
[ B B A ]

Just USE your Imagination
[ Aflat  Aflat A  Gflat  A  Aflat Gflat ]

Invent some new game you can play
[ E  B  Dflat Dflat Dflat B A  Aflat ]

You can be anyone
[ Aflat  Gflat  E   B  Dflat B ]

You can do anything!
[ B  A Aflat   Dflat  Eflat

You can go anywhere that you wish  [Indeed! Just do try!]
[ B  Dflat  B  Aflat   Gflat   E ]

In your Imagination…
[ B B A Aflat ]

 …etc.

It’s worth more than gold, don’t you see?
And the things you can’t BUY
Are the things worth the MOST!
And you don’t even have to get a job! [Tee hee hee!]

Just USE YOUR IMAGINATION!
And make it a wonderful day!
PLAY! PLAY! PLAY!
And remember that…

Money doesn’t buy happiness [No it doesn’t]
Things do not make it a better day  [No, not THINGS!]
Possessions galore
Yet still we want more!  [That sounds stupid!]
Sounds to me pretty lame, what a shame! [It’s insane!]

LEB © April 2009 

Kind of silly…  Kind of fun!

Posted in 2009, Ruminations | Tagged , , , | Comments Off on “Money Doesn’t Buy Happiness”

3/16/2009 Note

Posted on March 16, 2009 by Linda

3/16/09 – a note I sent to a friend/fellow Group member; at this time, we were beginning to work on the “Integrity Tone Scale.”  Working with this program can bring up some difficult thoughts and feelings.  

“You have my sympathies, I know how it is to be depressed and low on money and self-esteem; trust me, I’ve been there plenty of times.  I’d like to help if I can – I can offer you what I do in such times, whether it will help you or not and you can take it or leave it.

But here’s my “words of wisdom” –

First, take care of your body.  Eat well, rest well, get plenty of fresh air and exercise.  What you do for your body affects your mind.  Taking care of your physical self nourishes your soul.

Next, I would take some time, in solitude, some place where you feel comfortable – maybe with some music on that you like – whatever helps you feel relaxed and at ease, and do some writing.  First, make a list of all the things you like to do, that give you joy, whatever it might be.  Just be free with it, open-minded and honest.  The sky is the limit, put no limitations on it.  Don’t think about it too much, just jot it all down.  Keep the list, read it over, add to it, mull it over.  Think of possibilities.

Then, make another list.  Take all the different aspects/areas of your life and in each case visualize how you would like things to be.  Again, just be open-minded and totally honest with yourself.  Nobody but you is going to see this.  Just sit and visualize possibilities, be aware of what makes you happy and what doesn’t feel right.  Don’t make judgments about anything in terms of whether you think you can do something or whether it seems possible or not.

I know that I get depressed when I feel stuck and don’t know what direction to go in.  Or sometimes I might think I want to do something but am somehow unable to do it.  And that causes depression.  But sometimes I think the reason we can’t bring ourselves to do what we set out to do is because perhaps it isn’t really what we want.  Maybe there is some aspect of it that you want, but perhaps you need to change the way you look at it.  There is always a reason behind our motivation to do or not do something.  It’s just often hard to determine what that is.

Like Molly has said in Group, ask yourself questions until you get to the bottom of what is “TRUE.”  Pay attention to your feelings.  Your “gut instinct” will tell you what is True.  What is True should feel good.  Only when you figure out what you truly want – what you truly want to do – will you be able to take action.  But you can’t worry about what action to take until you figure that out.  Until you DECIDE what your intention really is.  Then, I believe, things just start falling into place.

I struggle with this stuff too.  And I’m not claiming to be an expert or have all the answers.  But I find that doing these things helps gain some clarity.  Tell yourself that whatever it is you want is OK.  Be honest.  Be OK with yourself.  YOU are all you have, ultimately, so be kind to yourself.

I know things can be very hard.  I honestly and truly sympathize.  But I believe everyone deserves joy and that it is available if we let ourselves find it.

Peace.  Feel better.  You are not alone.”

And I need to remind myself of the things I have written here.

Posted in 2009, Onward & Upward | Tagged , , , | Comments Off on 3/16/2009 Note