A DECADE OF READING

Posted on December 31, 2012 by Linda

 

A DECADE OF READING

Here is a list of some of the books I have read over the last several years, recreated from my Amazon.com order history.  I know that I did read many more books during this time than what I have listed here; some were purchased at Copperfield’s, and some were borrowed from the Library, but this will show a good sampling of books that I bought and enjoyed from the period of 2001 through 2011.  It’s kind of fun seeing my history through the books that I purchased. 

2001

 Purchased September 17, 2001

The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond, Patricia Evans.Ironically this is the first book to be listed in my Amazon.com order history, and this is the only book listed for 2001:  I left my husband on October 9, 2001.  (My son was 20 months old.)

2002

 Purchased in July, 2002

  The Book of Container Gardening by Hillier, Malcolm

November, 2002

  The Diary of Ellen Rimbauer: My Life at Rose Red (Believed to have been written By Steven King)

December, 2002

Julie Stafford’s Juicing for Health: Over 200 Recipes… –and of course I bought this to go with the book:  Juiceman JMS6 Blender

2003

March, 2003

The Aymara Bridge, Roger S. Pressman
Everything Scrapbooking Book: Creative Ideas for Preserving Memories That Last a Lifetime (Everything Series), Jennifer Barr

June, 2003

The Eternal Champion by Moorcock, Michael. And between 2003 and 2006, I purchased and read every single one of the books in this series; some of these were hard to get and rather expensive, but it is a worthwhile collection to have – plus, they were wonderful books!

December, 2003

The Outlandish Companion, Diana Gabaldon. My sister and I each bought this for each other, after we both read the entire “Outlander” series, which is wonderful.

2004

The only Amazon.com orders I have listed for this year were for gifts.  I must not have bought myself any books at Amazon.com this year, so I have no idea what I might have been reading. 

2005

March, 2005

Goal Setting 101 : How to Set and Achieve a Goal, Gary Ryan Blair

April, 2005

  Angels & Demons, Dan Brown
Rain Fall, Barry Eisler.  I have read each of these as they have come out:

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BOOKS: 2012

Posted on December 31, 2012 by Linda

2012 BOOKS

I started out 2012 with this book, and then spent a good bit of the year reading all of these “Earth Chronicles” books:

Twelfth Planet: Book I of the Earth Chronicles (The Earth Chronicles), Zecharia Sitchin

Then I read the “Twilight Saga.”Fun reading – I, of course, had to watch the videos after reading these.  

I then read a number of really good books, including (as far as I can remember):

TheNightCircus The Night Circus, which I loved;

TheDovekeepers The Dovekeepers by Alice Hoffman, a wonderful, wonderful book;

StateofWonder State of Wonder by Ann Patchett – which was an astonishingly good book, I just loved it;

SatanicVersesRushdieThe Satanic Verses by Salman Rushdie – not easy reading, but a very worthwhile book to read.  I wanted to read it after hearing that he has written an autobiography of sorts about the period of time when he wrote this controversial book and I decided that might be interesting to read, especially if I had read the book in question, this one.  I did enjoy reading it, but it was at times challenging due to it’s “foreignness” I think.

I cannot at this time remember what else I might have read this past year; I am sure there were more!  But I did then close out the year with several books by Jo Nesbø, in his “Harry Hole” series, as follows:

1. The Redbreast

2. Nemesis
3. The Devil’s Star
4.  The Snowman
5.  The Leopard

These were addicting and fantastic.  Unfortunately I wasn’t able to get the one that is supposed to go in between The Devil’s Star and The Snowman; it’s called The Redeemer, and is not yet available in the U.S., nor are the earliest books in the series.  But these books can be picked up and enjoyed as stand-alone, although they are much better read in order.  I loved these books and look forward to reading the newest one coming out along with the ones I missed when they are finally translated and available in the U.S.

And the last thing I read this year was another really wonderful book called The Elegance of the Hedgehog, by Muriel Barbery.

There were a couple of passages in this book that I marked for their profundity.  The first one is by the first character, Renée, who says:

“True novelty is that which does not grow old despite the passage of time.  The camellia against the moss of the temple, the violet hues of the Kyoto mountains, a blue porcelain cup – this sudden flowering of pure beauty at the heart of ephemeral passion:  is this not something we all aspire to?  And something that in our Western civilization we do not know how to attain?  The contemplation of eternity within the very movement of life.”

And I think that is beautiful.  The second quote is by the other character, Paloma, who is a 13-year-old girl, and she says:

“We never look beyond our assumptions and, what’s worse, we have given up trying to meet others; we just meet ourselves.  We don’t recognize each other because other people have become our permanent mirrors.  If we actually realized this, if we were to become aware of the fact that we are only ever looking at ourselves in the other person, that we are alone in the wilderness, we would go crazy.  …  As for me, I implore fate to give me the chance to see beyond myself and truly meet someone.”

I loved this book – and I finished it a few minutes prior to midnight on New Year’s Eve.  Now, what to read next?

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Quote for the Day

Posted on November 25, 2012 by Linda

“In nature there are neither rewards nor punishments; there are only consequences.”

–Robert G. Ingersoll

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Dazed and Confused in the 21st Century

Posted on November 23, 2012 by Linda

It seems my former blog was lost.  No worries, it contained nothing really worth talking about.  So, let’s try this again…

And my thoughts today start with this:

Q.  Why is it that religion is so often tied to violence, greed, and addiction to power?  Look at Iran – look at the Romney / Fox News clan.  It’s a strange world…

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7/21/2012

Posted on July 21, 2012 by Linda

I am having a problem and do not know what I should do: 

Dalton is living in a “box.”  He is staying in his room with the door shut all day and on into the night; spending too much time alone in his room on his computer.  And then he stays up all hours of the night and sleeps half the day.  It has become an unpleasant cycle.  I know he is unhappy with our move – feels “home sick” and probably also feels isolated and somewhat depressed.  This is not good for him; his circadian rhythm is a mess, he isn’t eating regularly or well, nor is he getting enough fresh air and exercise.

I do not think he is happy; I am told that he may have himself trapped in a situation he does not have control over and most likely cannot regulate his own computer use.  He says he’s fine, though, and argues with me when I talk to him about it.  And he refuses to entertain the idea of turning off the computer at midnight and going to bed.  (And what do I expect – he is nearly 13!)

But I am feeling completely lost.  And, unfortunately, my inclination is to want to ignore it, run away, and hope it takes care of itself.  And I feel stupid and guilty; discouraged and depressed and anxious.

And it appears there is another problem here:  I feel that Cherie is anxious and disappointed in how I am dealing (or not dealing) with this situation.  I am feeling accountable to her, and very confused.  Obviously, my sister wants nothing more than to help; she is aware of the differences between us – and the particular challenges I have in certain areas.  She feels that I am not handling this situation at all, although it is causing me distress; she does not understand and is concerned.

I know that I have to handle things in my own way, but feel that my sister does not approve of “my way.”  But as she rightly says, it is the results that count.  I am not getting any results. 

But I think I am conflicted in my desire to please her and my ability to do what is right for my son.  My head is spinning and I cannot think clearly.

I am having problems adapting too.  I do not trust myself; I do not feel capable of taking charge in any way.  And the suggestions I am given for ways to help Dalton with this issue do not feel right to me.  Sometimes I even suspect that perhaps I am blowing this all out of proportion and overwhelming myself when it is not necessary.  But I also feel that to my sister, this situation is a big problem – so I thus tell myself that it is, indeed, a big problem.  But is it really? 

I cannot seem to separate what I think and feel from what I perceive my sister thinks and feels.  This is compromising my ability to instinctively know how to deal with my son.  And it is leaving me feeling STUCK.

My sister is afraid that she is watching a train wreck about to happen.  She has, after all, raised a teenager.  She later apologizes for being “so dramatic,” but does believe that this is a bad problem; one that I need and want to address, but that has a relatively simple solution if I would just do certain things.   And her observations have reminded her of “all those times throughout [my] adult life when things have gone haywire and [she’s] been called upon to pick up the pieces.”  She says:

“You …know you have certain weaknesses.  One is in enforcing things that you know you need to do.  Remembering to, or being willing to make Dalton temporarily unhappy; or willing to put up with a temper tantrum.  Being consistent; saying something and meaning it.  Making it happen.  …Even were it not for the “wiring difficulties” you have, you are faced with being a single parent.  Without a second parent, without good women friends to talk to who are mothers and share your values — you are handicapped by not having someone to balance you, to make up for your weaknesses, to offer insights and suggestions and feedback.  I had these sorts of people in my life – you don’t – but you have me.  You need to use me to help compensate for those voids.   …And I need to learn to do this in a way that is helpful, but does not undermine your confidence in yourself.”

Then she outlines some things she wants me to think about:

  • How you may be over-projecting your own childhood onto Dalton.  What situations are the same for him?  What situations are different?  What caused you pain?  And are you projecting your pain onto him inappropriately?
  • Ways that you may be making Dalton co-parent himself (such as giving him too much information, too much responsibility for making choices when he isn’t capable of making wise choices).
  • Expediency in the moment – i.e., not wanting to deal with a problem—- leads to big problems later.  And you live to regret not taking care of something when it was a small matter.

The obvious “solutions” for this situation with Dalton don’t appeal to me because I know that he is trying to cope with an unfamiliar, and uncomfortable situation in the only way he knows how.  He has his online “friends” and he enjoys what he is doing.  It is just that too much of a good thing is not always to our benefit, and I do know that quite well.

And the problem I have is that any kind of “enforcement” that I do will not only make him unhappy, but he will view it as “punishment” and I do not want him to feel that he is being punished!   So I feel that I need to be able to give him some kind of tangible alternative so that he doesn’t feel deprived or punished.  And if he is not engaged in doing what he wants to do, he does not know what to do – and do I know what to suggest?  Not really.  I just wish he would see the wisdom and benefit of getting to bed earlier so that he can get up earlier!  And I wish he had some other interests and wanted to do some other things, but right now, he does not.  And at present, I don’t feel any more able to think of things to do or places to go than does he. 

So the “problem” is probably more a problem with me than with Dalton.  And I am all mixed up about what to do, how to do it, or why, even, to do anything.  And if I weren’t so aware of my sister’s perception of things, somehow I don’t think I would be struggling with this – but I could be wrong.

This move has required a huge adjustment in many ways for all of us.  If I’m having trouble, how could Dalton not be?  And how can I help him when it’s so hard to know how to help myself?  I am coping – but it takes time and effort.

And Dalton is changing from a little boy into someone who is suddenly exhibiting maturity in many ways that I am not fully recognizing – like I suddenly don’t know him as well as I am used to (and so old methods of dealing with him no longer feel useful or appropriate).  But he is yet far from being grown up.  And it is me, his mom, who suddenly feels lost and without firm footing.

I do not feel like I am on firm footing with my own self-identity these days – part of living with my big sister I guess – always unsure of myself and seeking acceptance – or being afraid of not receiving it; feeling inadequate and lacking – or WRONG somehow -like I’m here now because I proved inadequate at taking care of myself and my son.  And whether this is really true or not, how can I feel on top of things if I feel like this?  How can I possibly feel equal to the task of something like this when I feel so incompetent?

I am trying not to feel this way and to operate to my best ability despite it.  But there is still an impact and it will take time.  I have had complete control and autonomy of my life and home for as long as I can remember.  This is different.  This is all new.  It has created insecurity in me, at least some of the time, but basically underlying everything.  I don’t know how to BE or what to DO a good bit of the time.  But I am trying.  Parenting my child requires more from me.  Insecurity and uncertainty significantly hinders/hampers my ability to operate effectively.  It is nobody’s fault.  My sister can’t really do anything to change that.  I need to heal and strengthen my own self.  I need to overcome feelings of guilt and inadequacy.

So how do I do this?  And how do I help my son in the meantime? 

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Moving Day

Posted on March 10, 2012 by Linda

March 10, 2012 – Saturday.  The day has arrived to move.

My sister and I have been taking car loads over to her house on a regular, almost daily, basis.  Most of the house is packed up, but we haven’t yet made much progress in the garage. And actually there are still parts of the house (my office and bedroom, e.g.) in which I still have substantial packing to do.  But I am not worried, I still have time, and my sister and I can work during weekdays whereas “the guys” can only do weekends.  So today, my brother-in-law and my brother are going to move the furniture and the big stuff, as much as they are able.  And I am aware that some things will be going in the dumpster outside, including my rather old and battered sofas.  I will not need them in any event.

Morning comes, and I know that Ken will be anxious to get started, so I quickly try to get myself in gear.  Dalton is still sleeping.  My understanding of the job today is that they are going to primarily transport the beds and other furniture that will be going to my sister’s house, starting with what is in my mother’s room. I start pulling bedding off my bed, but before I finish, Ken is already here.  And Ken generally arrives like a freight train:  When he has a job to do he comes in like a whirlwind and all you can do is try to stay out of his way.

I quickly get Dalton up and try to prepare him for what is happening – not that he doesn’t already know – but the situation can still be somewhat unnerving for first thing in the morning on the weekend.

Ken immediately starts pulling mattresses off beds – my mother’s bed is the first to go and it is a big pillow-top bed, heavy and unwieldy.  He starts dragging big pieces of furniture out, and is very annoyed that my brother, Tim, is not yet here to help him.  He cannot stand waiting so he starts trying to bulldoze himself through the house with this heavy furniture and I am freaking out.  I said something to him about not having a heart attack and he says something snarky to me about being quite capable of looking after his own health, thank you very much – I replied by saying that it wasn’t his health I was referring to!  Sheesh.  And here the man was on his deathbed not so long ago.

So Ken is stomping around, crashing around, the energy level is palpable.  But I have experienced this with Ken enough times before that I think I’m somewhat prepared.  He is just very intense.  I entreat him to slow down and wait for Tim and not kill himself – to no avail.  He has some furniture loaded and doesn’t want to wait, so he leaves (like a STORM).

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“Scattered”

Posted on February 11, 2012 by Linda

I have started reading the book Scattered: How Attention Deficit Disorder Originates and What You Can Do About It, by Gabor Maté.

Scattered, Gabor MateThis is a wonderful and highly-recommended book on the subject of ADD/HD.  Dr. Maté writes very clearly and concisely about the nature of ADD and the fact that one cannot wholly blame genetics or experience for the “disorder” (nature vs. nurture), but one can inherit the predisposition for what may become ADD – and that the “damage” occurs in early childhood.

The author discusses many other related and sometimes concomitant “disorders”, as well as the many causes of “dysfunction” in our society.  He concludes Chapter 7 as follows:

        “…what is being transmitted genetically is not ADD or its equally ill-mannered and discombobulating relatives, but sensitivity.  The existence of sensitive people is an advantage for humankind because it is this group that best expresses humanity’s creative urges and needs.  Through their instinctual responses the world is best interpreted.  Under normal circumstances, they are artists or artisans, seekers, inventors, shaman, poets, prophets.  There would be valid and powerful evolutionary reasons for the survival of genetic material coding for sensitivity.  It is not diseases that are being inherited but a trait of intrinsic survival value to human beings.  Sensitivity is transmuted into suffering and disorders only when the world is unable to heed the exquisitely tuned physiological and psychic responses of the sensitive individual.
“ADD is not a natural state.  It is, to adapt a famous phrase of Sigmund Freud’s, one of civilization’s discontents.”

[I added the emphasis.)

Long before I found this book, I was already starting to believe that, rather than being a “disease,” or “disorder,” ADD describes people, like myself, who happen to have certain characteristics in their personality and make-up; individuals who are creative, independent, “quirky,” often very intelligent, and have that extra “spark” that is so very hard to define, but which all “ADD” people know about and understand.  And yes, we are more sensitive, almost to the point of being “psychic” at times (or, indeed, sometimes “neurotic”).  And I have also come to believe very firmly that it is exactly this type of person who finds it difficult and painful to try to function in a world that does not seem to make sense with its arbitrary rules, suffocating institutions, meaningless rituals, and nonsensical imperatives. 

From the time I was a small child, I felt something inside me was being CRUSHED.  But amazingly, I have always also looked at the world – MY WORLD anyway – as being full of Beauty and Magic and Richness.  But what frustration then, when one feels prevented from being able to engage in that world – because one’s wings have been CRUSHED.

I don’t know, but it is always refreshing to read new insights that are meaningful.  I still have not finished this book, but I go back to it at different times and every time, come away with a wealth of new things to think about.

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My House

Posted on January 23, 2012 by Linda

My #1 goal and desire right now is to clear out this house and get rid of all the excess; to rearrange and organize it in a way which fits my needs and desires; to make it feel like my home, one in which I can feel free to be who I am, and BREATHE.

When I moved into this house, it was, in essence, to provide a home for and care for my mother.  When she died, I felt abandoned.  And not only did I lose her – which caused me, at the same time, to lose a large part of what had for years been my identity – but she left all her worldly goods here in my possession, whether I wanted any of it or not.

I was grateful to have my sister help me deal with my mother’s things.  But when her help stopped abruptly due to her husband’s subsequent illness, I again felt abandoned in a sense.  It was not my sister’s fault – any more than it was my mother’s fault for dying.  Things happen.

But the reality was that I felt stuck and forced to live in this unsatisfactory and sad condition for a very long time.  And I believe it has caused me to become effectively ill.  I did not feel justified in my feelings of being abandoned, nor in my seeming inability to do anything about it.  I just let it wear me down until I have felt completely suffocated, beaten down, incapacitated, and afraid.  I became depressed and unable to take very good care of myself or of much of anything.  I stopped being able to pay my rent in its entirety because I stopped doing much of anything.  I started hating my life and hating myself.  Could this all be due only to a house?  And let’s not forget that this all served as a constant reminder of my dear mother and there is not a day that goes by when I do not miss her.

I have been living on in a house that was my mother’s home but with my mother no longer here.  I need to make it my home.

To solve the problem of not being able to pay the rent, the decision has been made to rent out my mother’s bedroom and bathroom.  This has created some urgency now in getting my mother’s things cleared out.  I am grateful that my sister is now able to help me once again because it has been clear that in my current state of distress it would not otherwise get done.

Now that we are working on it though, I have become convinced that I am going to need help to overhaul this entire house and I do not want to stop after just clearing out my mother’s rooms.  While there are things of my mother’s in different parts of the whole house, there are some areas that contain only my things and these spaces are in need of the most work in some cases (like in my office).  I believe that I need my sister’s help in all of these areas but I have discovered that I have some fear that she will not be willing to do all that I am hoping she will.  This is not based on anything other than a fear on my part, but I believe I should make clear to her what I am envisioning and how I feel about the situation, so that we are on the same page.

I thoroughly believe that once this house is cleared out the way I envision it, that I will be better able to work and to create and to take charge of my life again and be productive and happy.  I am illogically frightened that I will continue to be “stuck” and that my sister will, at some point, decide enough is enough – and that things will never change and I will stay in a bad place and that is unacceptable to me.  I need to determine that this job will get done to its completion no matter what it takes and I have to believe that I am equal to the task.  I also want to believe that once it is done, that I will be “well” again.

What I really hope is that the process of doing this will be enough to start making me feel better and that I will gradually start to function better and be more like myself.  And that is not an unreasonable thing to think.

I also think it is important for me to believe that this is not all my fault; that I have not always lived in a mess, nor have I been used to living in a dirty, messy house.  I did not always live like this.  I am not totally dysfunctional, I am simply overwhelmed.  It is hard for me to see the details when I am so burdened by the whole, big, entirety of the situation.  There is simply too much STUFF and I do not want it.  I do not need it.  It weighs me down.  And most important for me to believe is that I can change it.

So the bottom line is that I want to change it, I intend to change it, but that I need help.  And that once it is changed, I believe it will change my life for the better.

 

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To Thrive

Posted on January 23, 2012 by Linda

“Surviving is important.  Thriving is elegant.”  –Maya Angelou

Ever since I received this card with this quote on it, it has been my THEME.  Surviving has often been difficult for me.  TO THRIVE is my utmost goal. 

 

To Survive:

To remain alive or in existence; live on; to continue to function or prosper.

To THRIVE:

To grow vigorously; flourish; to gain in wealth or possessions; prosper; to progress toward or realize a goal despite or because of circumstances.

ELEGANT:

Marked by elegance:  refined grace or dignified propriety; tasteful richness of design or ornamentation; dignified gracefulness or restrained beauty of style; polish; scientific precision, neatness, and simplicity.

Here’s to living an Elegant Life.

 

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My Quality of Life Scale

Posted on January 23, 2012 by Linda

My Quality of Life Scale

I had an “epiphany” one day several years ago when all of this suddenly came to me crystal-clear.  I was in bed, dealing with a bad tooth infection and ruminating on my life. And when this came to me, it helped to put things into perspective for me when I was in a lot of pain and agony.  And ever since then, it has continued to make perfect sense to me as a way to live my life.  I think it can be compared to the Integrity Tone Scale, although at the time that I came up with this, I had not yet ever heard of that.  I think that it is basically the same thing, although the Integrity Tone Scale focuses more on emotions and perceptions – Point of View.  But like the Integrity Tone Scale, my “system” here also involves the necessity of integrating each step as an ongoing and permanent state, and one in which someone would need to always be working on in different ways,  as one moves on up to the different “levels.” And it is mostly a matter of working on all of these areas at the same time, the first step being basic survival, and on up to the ultimate self-fulfillment and prosperity.

I use this system as a way to be in touch with myself about “where” I am at any given time; to let me know how I am doing and where I am currently sitting, and where I want to “go.”  I have found it a simple and helpful way to keep me clear about things.

First on my scale is:

1.  HEALTH.

This is the bottom of the scale in that it represents basic survival requirements.  If we do not have basic health, then nothing else really matters.  It is about taking care of ourselves in a way in which we are being “in integrity” to ourselves – our bodies, our basic well-being.  There are things that we humans need at our most basic:  good food, a suitable shelter, adequate sleep, etc.  But I believe many of us these days do not pay enough attention to these basic needs.  I think that most of us need to pay more attention to our health needs than we do.  And I believe that until we can be at a place of “maximum integrity” regarding our physical health, then we stay stuck at the bottom of the scale. 

And it is not about accomplishing some specific thing and then being “done.”  This is something that needs to be ongoing – a permanent, constant state of being and living.  Only then are we approaching a higher level of the scale. It is about accepting reality; accepting the reality of our bodies and souls and being responsible for doing what is necessary. (And “accepting” does not mean “giving up.” One can be “in integrity” with one’s health even with a life-threatening illness.  People have been known to beat incredible odds in defiance of the apparent “reality.”  There is a difference in being determined to overcome something and in being out of touch with reality.)  

The next place on my scale is:

2.  ORDER.

This is where I currently am much challenged.  But it is essential for me to make progress in this area if I am ever going to succeed with other goals.  This is not just about being “neat and clean” or organized.  This is a Whole Life thing.  At its most basic, it is the need to live in an environment that allows us to be at our best.  I believe that most people do better with some level of order in their lives.  But this is not just about physical order, it is about order regarding our finances, and about our schedules; how we spend our time and do what we do.  It is about having power over ourselves and our environment and not being a victim to any of it.  And I know there are many of us who feel, at least sometimes, that we are a victim of our schedules, if nothing else.  I feel that I need to be “in integrity” with all of this in order to be able to fully live up to my potential and live a satisfying life.  It is about being in control of my environment – knowing where to find things, for example.  It is also about having my “ducks in a row,” about “leveling the playing field,” having a “clear palette,” living true to myself.  It is the starting place for becoming the best person I can be.  I need to be free and clear and “on top of my world” in order to feel good about what I do or be able to even “see” what I need or want to do. 

This is also the area that I think is probably particularly troublesome for someone with ADHD.  It is troublesome though, as well, because of the crazy world we now live in.  There is simply “too much” of everything.  And there isn’t really a “right” way to be, because we are all different in what our needs are.  I am perfectly fine with a type of “cluttered order” where it may look chaotic to someone else but work perfectly well for me.  What I am dealing with right now does not fit that category and does not work for me even if or when it looks neat. 

A better place to be than still dealing with chaos, is the next thing, which I call

3.  GOALS.

I consider this to be about the things one wants to do or aspire to in their lives.  It is about one’s work or vocation; it is about the kinds of things we aspire to do in our lives, the kinds of things that make us feel fulfilled or that our life is good.  It is about accomplishing things, being a part of things, making a place for ourselves in the world, personal fulfillment.  For me, it is about living according to my dreams of working as a writer and artist, of creating things that can enrich my world and make me feel like I am doing what I am “meant” to do.  It is about the things we choose for ourselves in how we live our lives.  It is not about how much money one makes unless that is what that person’s goal actually consists of.

My goals are not about money.  It is simply about living in a way that works for me – but as for most people, living usually requires money, so it is also about ensuring my financial needs are met.  However, for me, that topic comes before this one – it is part of #2-Order, having my “ducks in a row,” the matter of having enough money to live on, making sure my income exceeds or matches my expenses and whatever it takes to accomplish that.  #3-Goals is about going above and beyond that, to either increasing income doing what I love to do, or being able to produce at least adequate income doing exactly what I want to do.  Otherwise, if it was just about making money, I would take some “regular” job.  But that does not motivate me because it is not what my goals are about.

Our goals often will involve where and how we make money, but it does not necessarily have to; it is really about choice.  And if someone is not living within one’s means, then that more logically belongs up in the “Order” or perhaps even the “Health” area because that means someone is not being “in integrity” with the basic issue of making ends meet.  But there is more to personal fulfillment than simply making money, so this is more about how one chooses to live, whether someone has a good job or not; it is about choices.

I will say though that I think a person can be in this place to a degree, while still working to improve one’s basic situation.  Because, again, this is all about how one lives one’s life in a “Whole Person” kind of way; but if someone is not being successful in some basic areas, then it won’t really be possible to reach one’s potential or really thrive at a higher level.  The other things get in the way and drag a person down.  That is what I believe.  It is my utmost goal to reach this area at this point in my life and I am very compelled at present to carve my way to it.

Finally, having reached a place of success in what I seek to achieve and how I intend to live, my ultimate goal and what I believe must be the highest goal of anyone is:

4.  HELPING OTHERS.

Because in the end, when we are doing what makes us happy and living successfully, I believe that most of us would be most fulfilled by being able to help others.  An author wants to be published, not just because of any possible fame and fortune, but primarily in order to appeal to readers and enrich their lives in some way.  I am sure that not everyone thinks that way, but I believe they would if they were able to be truly honest and “in integrity.”  I truly believe that we are “designed” to need each other and to help each other and to wish to share our blessings with each other.  My ultimate goal is to be able to live in such a way that I can brighten or enrich others’ lives or help people in need; to be a positive force in the world in whatever way I am capable of.  That is what makes our short lives worthwhile.  That is my belief:  that one’s ultimate fulfillment is to leave their mark on the world by contributing to the lives of others or to future generations.  And while everyone can do this in small ways at any time, the only way to really be able to be in this position is when one has taken care of oneself in a necessary way.  I have always loved to give but have done so when it has left me needy and that is not the way to do it; this I have learned.  This makes me more determined to do the best I can with my life – so that I can help others.

And that is my “Quality of Life Scale.”  I am stuck somewhere between #1-Health and #2-Order.  While I have made some strides into #3-Goals (e.g., my artwork and finishing my children’s book), I still have a ways to go before I can really give this my best and start to THRIVE.  And that is where I want to be.  I believe that I can be there very soon, but this shows why I feel so urgent to have my house done soon.

Thrive

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2012 GOALS

Posted on January 23, 2012 by Linda

I am creating my Goals this year along the lines of “My Quality of Life Scale,” which goes in this order:

  1. HEALTH
    1. I need to set and maintain regular Exercise schedule – to improve focus and combat depression and lethargy.
    2. Schedule needed doctor/dentist checkups etc.
    3. Pay attention to nutrition and adequate sleep; listen to my body.
    4. Remember to connect with friends and acquaintances; make time for social activities.

2.  ORDER

    1. House – Make my environment meet my needs and desires – to promote productivity and creativity.  I want this to be MY home and one of comfort and beauty.
      1. Work with sister to clear out mother’s things and excess “stuff” and continue to clear out and de-clutter every part of the house.
      2. Swap bedroom and office; make office functional and comfortable so that it is my favorite place to be; make it My SPACE.
      3. My system of order needs to be VISUAL; I need to see my “stuff” in order to be inspired and/or know what I need to do.
      4. Must set specific tasks and schedule.
    2. Finance
      1. Find (temporary) roommate to rent master suite, thereby reducing my rent.
      2. Pay attention to staying current with billable work.
      3. Get help/support to try to sell creative products and develop more.
    3. Time
      1. Work with a schedule daily; one that suits my needs; balanced, flexible, to accommodate all facets of my life and goals.
      2. I need to schedule blocks of “quiet time” for reflection, reading, absorbing, writing; “feeding the well” – which leads to self-expression, creativity, inspiration.
      3. I need to use my time well; not waste time while still availing myself of needed “slow” time; need to FOCUS.

3.  VOCATIONAL/CAREER GOALS

    1. Need Mentor/assistance/support; help to “make it happen” and manage the “details” of getting my work into the world and getting paid/published/sales.
      1. Finished projects:
        1. “Purvis”
        2. Cat Magnets
        3. Christmas cards (one more to do for set of 4.)
      2. Current works:
        1. “Treasure Box”
        2. “Frogs”
        3. New “dragon” story
        4. several other ideas/outlines
        5. “Bugwump” autobiography/fantasy project
      3. Blogging – where might this go?  As writing practice/experience?
    2. Need to take things from start to finish and always be creating more. (Must have adequate space in which to work.)
    3. Find others/resources/groups – so I am not so alone and isolated in this.

4.  HELP OTHERS – I have always wanted – once I have reached relative success in my own life – to be able to reach out and help others in whatever way I can, either by my example, my “gifts” or my direct contribution.  This is the ultimate goal.

And an important quote that I found scribbled on my papers at this point:

“Faith is taking the first step even when you can’t see the entire stairway.”  
(I probably got this from Molly – Thanks!)

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“Goals Group” 2011

Posted on January 22, 2012 by Linda

On January 22, 2012, we had our annual “goals group” with Molly.  In preparation for this day, we are asked to prepare:

  1. Something to place on the altar as a Witness of your Work and Intentions.

  2. A simple statement or prayer for the day to speak as you place your sacred totem (Witness) on the alter.

  3. Take some time to review the Goal Categories and last year (2011)’s “Year in Review” and choose one area upon which to focus for the day.  Write out a Goal you wish to attain or a Change you wish to make.  Be as clear about what it is you wish to achieve in this area as you can be.  If there is more than one area you wish to make changes in, feel free to write out as many goals as you have.  We will pick only one to work on for the day – I suggest you pick the one you most want to have an affect on and might find the most challenging to achieve.  Write a statement about why this Goal is important for you to achieve.

  4. A delicious “something” to share for Lunch.

  5. Images of yourself, magazine or other images that speak to your 2012 intentions to be used on an art piece.

  6. A journal or notebook.

Here is my Witness and my Statement:

My GrandmotherMy Grandmother

This is a picture of my maternal grandmother, Cathyrn Adams, taken sometime in the 1920’s.  She was a beautiful woman; brilliant, creative, talented. 

She ended up burying all of that underneath a strict, oppressive Religion and, throughout my life, my perception of her was mostly of an authoritative, disapproving person – and I was slightly afraid of her. 

Two generations later, my sister and I have both journeyed separately in our lives,  trying to learn how to come to terms with the Religious mess that we grew up with and find answers that ring true – and we each found the same answers. 

My grandmother died more than two decades ago, but now I can look at her from a different viewpoint.  I can see the real legacy she has passed down – to my beautiful mother, to my sister and to me.  A legacy of beauty and grace, of curiosity and intelligence, of creative expression – and those are the qualities I want in my life.  When I look at this lovely woman who is and was my grandmother, I am inspired to live up to my potential and not bury it beneath things that do not matter.  I want to live my life with beauty and grace, in my surroundings and my life, to live with intelligence and curiosity, to express myself and leave that kind of legacy to all who come after me.

And this is what I chose this year to be my Witness.

 Re:  Goals

–  My heart’s Desire has always been to earn income using my creative gifts:  Primarily, writing and illustration/art.

–  I have never been able to completely believe that I can have my “heart’s desire” without having to live in poverty; that it is not necessary to throw away my dream and be miserable in order to have financial solvency.  I need to believe I can have BOTH.

–  There is that Fine Line between Quality of Life – living life by my own lights, according to my heart and soul, versus having enough money to live without fear.  And I seem to be walking that line very precariously these days. 

The BIG PICTURE:

#1 – Money – I do not want to always be battling poverty and financial humiliation and distress.  I want to change that once and for all – BUT while still living how I choose to live and pursuing my dreams and goals.  THERE HAS TO BE A WAY.

#2 – I need help getting my creative work out to the world.  Perhaps this will help me with #1.  Something has always tied these two things together for me:  Money vs. Creativity.  I NEED HELP WITH THIS.

SPECIFIC/PRIMARY GOAL(S) IN A NUTSHELL:

To put my House and Finances in Order so that I have the right environment in which to work and live and create; and to get Help with earning Money from my Creative Projects, and in continuing to Create. 

This includes identifying and setting concrete, specific Steps or Tasks and scheduling them; making my Schedule work; keeping myself on Track and directed towards what I need to do and making it happen. 

WHAT:     To put my HOUSE in ORDER so that I have the right environment to LIVE and WORK and CREATE.

WHY?   I need to CLEAR out to make room for the NEW.

Deeper Reasons?     To allow myself to COME BACK TO MYSELF and be who I am; I need to Start Fresh – throw off the baggage, the shackles – and be FREE.  I am too Buried and “Clogged.”

Do I believe this is attainable – and why?

 YES.  But it will take WORK.  And it is up to me to make it happen.  I am capable, I am strong enough, but I still need help and guidance.  Maybe this is also about learning how to ask for, and receive, HELP.

I BELIEVE:

… that I am afraid – but of WHAT?  My inability to DO what I envision?  Why?  Because I get STUCK, immobile, unable to make myself DO IT.  I do not know why; ADHD?  (This hurts.)

And now we create “Soul Cards,” to express our Desire as having already been Achieved:

Soul Card

Next, we split into groups of two, and took turns telling the other, who wrote what we said in our journal, the answers to questions about our GOAL and our Beliefs.  Here is what my partner wrote in my journal, reflecting what I said to her:

“Linda’s beliefs about her intention to put house/life in order so life and creativity can flow:

Belief that I need to clear out stuff –

  • To Find Self
  • “I can’t BREATHE”
  • To get rid of dysfunction
  • I need to create space for my Authentic Self
  • Junk/baggage – all mixed in with my mother’s stuff
  • It is holding me back/overwhelming me.

Belief the clutter has caused financial problems – office is too cluttered, don’t want to go in there and work.

Belief  that “stuff” is immobilizing me.

Belief – that my idea of a favorite space is one that is organized.  (And I keep my favorite areas – like where I do ART – neat and organized now.)

FEAR that ADHD will get in the way.

“Linda believes intention is achievable because she can visualize it.  She has fears that it will be overwhelming and she may need help to achieve it.”

NEXT…

  • Do these beliefs LIMIT or SUPPORT me in my goal?
  • What are the Obstacles or Stoppers to attaining this goal this year? (BE RUTHLESS)
  • HOW have I stopped myself in the past? How do I see this stopping me now and in the past; every possible tripwire.
  • WHO might not like me to achieve it, or prevent me from achieving it?
  • WHAT has stopped me in the past?
  • If I really want abundance, how am I stopping myself? 

Soul Collage showing the STOPPERS:

Soul Card 2

My “STOPPERS”

  • In the past, I was too busy, always going to fast to pay attention to increasing clutter and chaos.
  • But I did NOT used to live this way!
  • It happened with my mother living with me – then dying.  I had/have no experience dealing with that.  I felt bereft and alone.
  • It has dragged me down and become a very heavy burden, filled with self-recriminations.  I have a hard time understanding how I’ve ended up this way; my self-punishment has contributed to my burdens.

My FEAR?  What will stop me?

  • STATUS QUO – as ugly as that is, accepting compromise, “making do.”  I CANNOT allow this, or it will kill me! (I DO create now – but in a very limited fashion.  I want Expansion.)
  • FEAR – not being able to motivate, to DO – WITHOUT HELP.  I need a “body double,” my sister is willing (when she can); I need FAITH.
  • What can stop me?  It depends on my sister; my need for a “body double” – this situation feels too “intimate” for just anyone to help (my mother’s things).

What strengths, qualities, and “Allies” do I have that I will use to combat the obstacles I identified today, and how will I utilize these (3 or 4)? An Action Plan using Strengths, etc. – like a WARRIOR.  A Plan is ARMOUR.

Strengths, Qualities and Allies:

1.         Strength – I am/have always been Persistent, even Stubborn about doing something that I really want.  I can use this Quality to never give up.  How?  A support group; enlist others. 

2.        Ally – My sister will not let me down if I am honest and confide in her about what I really need.  How?  I can trust my sister.  She will always help if I ask for it. 

MY SISTER IS SPONSORING ME – A GIFT TO HER
[Note:  I am not sure I understood this.]

3.        Others – Group?  CHADD?  a new roommate, as incentive?

    • 1.  How would obtaining this Goal affect my life?  Make it better.
    • 2.  How do I feel about those changes?  Wonderful.
    • 3.  Go deeper – any negative aspects to this change?  I would have to WORK HARD; no Immediate results. 
    • 4.  Who might not like me being different in this way?  Nobody I can think of.
    • 5.  Am I willing to deal with that?  Yes—HOW?  No—How will I avoid it? N/A
    • 6.  What would I have to give up in order to maintain this change?  Laziness – being a Victim. 
    • 7.  How do I feel about that?  I am Ready and Willing. 
    • 8.  What is uncomfortable for me in imagining being successful in manifesting this change?  Going on from there…
    • 9.  Yes or No – Am I willing to succeed?  YES.  (But I will have to work hard and stay Clear and Committed.)

What have I learned?

I also need a PLAN.

        • Commitment to change
        • A plan
        • Support/Check-ins
        • A WHOLE process
        • To keep focused and to feel positive
        • To believe I will succeed
        • To take charge and be intentional about every part of my life.

 And this brings Goals Group to a close.  As always, I leave with lots to think about.  And it’s time to look at my Goals for 2012.

 

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Dan Pink books

Posted on January 12, 2012 by Linda

Towards the end of this past year, I read

Whole New Mind

A Whole New Mind: Why Right-Brainers Will Rule the Future by Dan Pink. I am not sure what led me to this book, but I was intrigued by the idea that creative skills and abilities will be what is most important in the future.  I posted on Facebook:

I LOVE this book! Here is my justice for always being told I wasn’t being realistic or logical – I am just too much of a right-brainer!

I really enjoyed reading this and it motivated me to seek out other books by this author; I then recently found Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us:”DriveI have not yet finished this book.  Prior to the decision to buy myself a copy of it, I had checked it out at the library and then had to return it before I finished, so I made some notes for myself:

In this book, the author talks about the fact that, in the beginning, the world was based on “Motivation 1.0” – SURVIVAL.  “Motivation 2.0” came about as we developed into a complex society; basically, this is what still drives us.  Except, it seems, this no longer works for us – and now, in the 21st century, we are in need of an Upgrade. 

He talks about how our “operating system” is incompatible with how we organize what we do, how we think about what we do, and how we DO what we do; that we are more than our biological urges, and that our current system of seeking reward (“carrots”) and avoiding punishment (“sticks”) is outdated and no longer relevant to who we are.

In the past, “extrinsic” motivation was more likely to work as most jobs tended to be more “algorithmic” and “left-brained” in nature; but as more and more of that kind of work is replaced by technology or outsourced to cheap 3rd-world labor, it is becoming clear that the “carrots vs. sticks” system not only does not work for “heuristic,” “right-brained” activities, but it is actually devastating to creativity.  We have become a society which is more driven by “intrinsic” rewards based on challenge, skill enhancement, social values, or pure enjoyment.  We still need to earn money, but profit is no longer the objective in how we think about our work.

“Motivation 2.0’s principle is that rewarding an activity gets you more of it and punishing an activity gets you less of it.”  This principle no longer works; intrinsic motivation is required – work that is more self-directed, less routine, more interesting and enjoyable – and our “Operating System” needs to CHANGE if we are going to be successful into this next century.

This book follows the concepts discussed in “A Whole New Mind” in that we are changing and our old ideas and patterns no longer work.  What I find MOST INTERESTING about both of these books, is that they state the beliefs and opinions that I have always held about our world, from my point of view, and so I feel validated.

I haven’t always understood what has made me feel “different” and unable to “accept” the things I was taught growing up; I seem to have always required “intrinsic” motivation without being aware of what that meant.  I always felt misjudged as being somehow simply “self-indulgent” or “lazy” but never felt that way about myself, and I agonized over it all and could never make sense of it.  Things became, finally, much clearer when, as an adult, I learned about ADD/HD, and then, clearer yet when I began to embrace my creativity and my creative nature.  And I have found myself thinking that perhaps ADD is not a “disorder” at all; perhaps it is simply an evolutionary upgrade, one which makes people more creative, empathetic, and innovative – more “right-brained.”  What a thrill to read books that reflect my way of thinking in this regard.  As for ADD/HD – well it is, after all, only a LABEL.

GOOD BOOKS – both of them.  Thank you, Dan Pink, for a refreshing (and validating) viewpoint!

And here is an interesting-looking site I found regarding this particular sort of thing:  i’m not stupid, I’m Right Brained  😀 –might be worth checking out…

 [And I ended up taking the “brain dominance test” on this website (which I learn is actually to promote a book with this same title) and my test scores came out to be:  21 out of 40 – Left-Brained and 36 out of 40 – Right-Brained.  Hmmm… whatever significance that might have…]

 

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2011 in Review

Posted on December 31, 2011 by Linda

2011 Summary

This has been the hardest year for me to summarize.  Because it has been so ugly and distressing it has made me sick just re-reading about it all.

The ugliness starts at the end of 2010 when it became clear to me that my x-husband was again doing drugs, culminating at Christmas when he ended up stealing all of my son’s Christmas money.  I had to tell my son that his father is a drug addict; very painful, but had to be done.

My son has had such high hopes about his father living near us.  I hate the man for the pain he has caused my son, and dealing with all this has been an incredibly, disgustingly large part of my experience this year.  I have gradually cut him off more and more but even after significant periods of time with no contact when I finally start to breathe again, he always seems to suddenly jump into my space once more.  I find myself reacting instead of knowing how to proactively handle things.  It has been an excruciating year in this regard and has left me with self-doubt, self-recrimination, and anger – at him and at myself for somehow not being able to take charge of this situation instead of unwittingly letting myself be victimized.  It has been dreadful.

Child Support has stopped and because he no longer is contributing in any way to Dalton’s welfare, and since I was already cutting things close, this has been a substantial blow.

I did manage to start the year out good despite all that, but it didn’t take long for things to conspire to drag me down.

January

Dalton and I spent time on New Years with Louis & John.  I have been seeing Louis now for over a year, and although it hasn’t turned out exactly like I had hoped, Louis has been a good thing in my life.  He provides affection and companionship and has been a lot of help.  He is a good man.  I just find myself wishing that the relationship could be different somehow.  But I am grateful nonetheless.  He has joined in my family get-togethers and fits in really well.  I get irritated at myself for being dissatisfied.  But I feel that we have less in common than I had initially thought and I find myself sometimes wanting to go out alone to see what I can see.

And I have started out doing really well with setting myself goals and completing them, keeping to a balanced productive schedule, getting regular exercise.  I’ve been going to a free yoga class once a week, walking daily, doing a lot on the house and working a lot – January is always a busy bookkeeping month; just doing better in many ways – much more so than is usual for me this time of year.  Winter has never been my best time.  But I’ve been making progress in many ways – planning my days, using my time wisely and getting things done.  Experiencing and noting Gratitude, using my “31-point plan.”

When I attend “Goals Group” this month, I encounter major conflict re making money vs. creative goals; I experience surprising levels of pain and emotional distress.  Then I have some insights:  Am I experiencing fear?  Am I making excuses?  So I set the goal of working on my “Purvis” project to completion, no excuses.  I can do this.

I attack doing the illustrations with enthusiasm and am pleased by the results.

I apply for food stamps.  My main client has no work and cannot pay me, yikes.  I find myself wondering if I need to UP my ADHD meds.  I start taking the 2nd dose earlier with good results but then feel I could use more later… (And why then did I ever end up cutting the dose in half??????)

My “schedule” gets sidetracked all the time by Louis coming down to see me.  But he is good to me, gives me cash, buys me groceries.  I am starting to feel beholden to him.  What can I do?  It is all too hard.  Being sidetracked from my plans causes frustration and depression.

Then there is the day I guess I feel compassion for My X’s attempt to be a dad (and to fix his life) and I take a bag of groceries to him.  He couldn’t afford to feed Dalton breakfast when Dalton spent the night. (At least he still has a home at this point.) I have told his sisters what is going on.

February

I am still  doing my schedule of balanced goals (work, creative, house, etc.) and seem to do so until right after I complete the first illustration.  This coincides with increased difficulty dealing with x-husband and getting ready for Dalton’s birthday.  And maybe more importantly, I seem to be constantly engaged with trying to make things work financially on a day to day, dollar by dollar basis which consumes massive amounts of energy. But I manage to pull off a decent birthday for Dalton – although his dad takes all his Birthday Money and does not even give him a card.  But I did what I could.  No party this year, but all in all, we’re ok.

I realize I would not be making it if not for Louis.  But I feel like I am just a body to him.  That he does not really see value other than sex?  This is disturbing to me.  And this financial situation is extremely stressful.  But I am still doing the WORK, keeping that BALANCE.

And I’ve been six months now without smoking.

Finances are dire – My X is causing me too much stress.   I decide to apply to Bookkeeping jobs from Craig’s List – all I can find.  I type up a cover letter and get to it; do the same to CPA offices.

Dalton’s been sick a lot –  Stress over what his dad is doing most likely – and his dad owes him nearly $300.  We are very broke here.

I examine my concept of God and decide that I need something more concrete because I believe prayer works and have left myself without anyone to pray to.

Half way through the month I realize I have not been doing my 31 pt plan, I have been sleeping too much, not getting any exercise and I am depressed.  I haven’t been getting enough sunlight.  Dalton calls me lazy – but he’s been home sick so much – and with all these school holidays, I have no time to myself.

SB starts borrowing my car.  He’s been living at the Motel 6 now for weeks.  He had his car impounded.  He’s admitted to using drugs, messing up – says he’s sorry and determined to turn the page and live right.  I give him the benefit of the doubt, for now.  But I do not want him having my car.  He is so manipulative.  This is all so hard – for me and for Dalton.  I am in touch with his sisters again. All I know is he keeps getting money from somewhere.  It is one day at a time.  He gives me money for food here and there and I SO need it.  But my life, my time is being compromised big time.  I decide that if he starts using drugs again I will tell his sisters to ship him back to Kansas– it is their fault he is here in the first place.

I am working on my Purvis drawings, discover that my scanner does not scan the colors right – but my mother’s (in the kitchen) does just fine.  I use my laptop to connect to it and scan my drawings.  I learn how to edit them on the computer.

I hear from a CPA I marketed to; she wants to meet with me in the event she needs someone to refer clients to (and which I did do).  (But I’ve never heard back from her.)

I have an emotional meltdown one night at Group from the stress of dealing with my X and his manipulation and intrusion, Dalton’s behavior – due to his stress about his father, and the financial situation, and I fall apart.  I manage to go to Group anyway and am told I should just cut the man off completely – I have let him stomp all over me.

I just want things to be “normal” again.  I feel like I’m about to fracture into a million brittle little pieces, like glass under pressure.  But at least I’m still drawing, still doing what I need to, but it is so hard.  I am dreaming a lot.

To end the “X” nightmare, I end up, with Dalton, taking the man to Hercules to arrange release of his car and then to Richmond to get it.  I am angry beyond words but hopefully this is the end.

I keep borrowing money from Louis.  I think I owe him $1500 now.  This is the only way I have been able to manage paying the rent since my savings ran out last October.

March

Still hanging in there, trying to keep my ducks in a row.  Drawing is wonderful, I’m doing the Purvis illustrations one after the other.  But it appears that my “31 point plan” and daily goal setting/schedule drops by the wayside with the increase of stress due to dealing with lack of enough money and with my X’s intrusiveness.  I seem to be just trying to hang on and I throw myself into my art to the exclusion of much else.

My client is still struggling to pay me, but it’s coming in little by little.  Dalton is sick again… Then I get sick.

Still dealing with My X’s craziness.  Why?  He is a mess.  Poor Dalton. Dalton tells me that it would’ve been better if his dad had never moved out here.  At least when he was in Kansas he visited once a year and was able to show Dalton a good time.  Now he’s a disaster.

And I’ve begun to sleep in so late given the chance, it’s sort of awful.  I’m messing up.  Everything has just been so hard. Dalton’s been sick a lot.  But I am drawing!

Spring is coming, my hope arises.  I hear Mockingbirds singing, the plum trees are in bloom.  Hope arrives.  I am working a lot on my client’s year end/tax stuff.  Maybe I’ll have it done in time this year. Who knows when he will be able to pay me, but it still must be done and I have assured him of my continued loyalty to getting his tax work done.  He is grateful.  And he is a really nice guy, it is worth it.

I am seeing that my money always runs out mid-month.  The first couple weeks feel pretty good, we live right.  The last two weeks are tough – pinching pennies, going without, being worried and afraid.  It sucks.

Dalton’s having difficulty in school, with so much homework, more stress – he’s been home way too much.  I feel so bad for him so I haven’t been as hard on him as I perhaps should.  He is still doing ok with it all though – with his grades.  I think about how it was for me when I was a kid, I missed so much school – I was depressed and pretended I was sick.  I just could not face getting up and going to school.  Is that what this is?   And I am sleeping too much these days.

I agonize about what to do about Dalton’s father – Dalton still has hope, still wants to see him, but it invariably makes him miserable.  This is so hard, takes so much of my energy.  What to do…

I also wonder if Dalton would be better off in a different kind of school, it concerns me but perhaps he would do much better if I could remove all of this stress.  And having him home so much compromises my ability to do what I need to do.

My front door handle falls off.  Weird…. another pain in the butt to deal with…

It is raining a lot.  My brother comes over to fix the door handle.  I realize that every time I sit down these days, the cat wants to snuggle on my lap.  Now I know why it was always so hard for my mother to get up – she never wanted to remove the cat.  He is so sweet and warm.  And insistent!

Experiencing significant lethargy these days.  All I seem to be able to do is draw.  Working on these illustrations – almost like I’m obsessed.  Determined to finish this project.  Maybe it is a way out of my current situation – although I’m afraid to hope.

Spring Break – rains the whole time.  At Group I realize that part of my problem interrupting and talking so much is that I go a whole week without ever getting to talk to another adult.  Not good.

Dalton is frustrated about his room.  It’s small, it’s a mess.  I know, the whole house frustrates me.  I can’t seem to do anything about it though. Dalton is so hyper, cranky, driving me nuts.  Not getting enough sleep and complaining. Dalton is so angry at his dad.  So am I.  I entertain thoughts about HATE.  Do I need to hate him?  Is that beneficial in some way?  Molly says it is more likely that I have let him have power over me and am being a victim.  I think about this.  He has fucked up our lives and I hate him for hurting my son.  How dare he? And he has compromised my ability to be a good mom and provide a good life for my child.  I hate him.

I am depressed.  My tax refund comes in – yay.  I would really like to get my hair done.  But pay credit card instead.

I worry about Dalton having so many play dates, sleepovers and him missing school.

I want to get this house fixed up – when the weather changes I want to start having yard sales, getting rid of this stuff.  I ask if Corey will come help me do yard sales.  At least the first one, since I have never done this – nor have I attended any, except hers.

I am so sick of my X, I call Kansas child support – I am hoping they will extradite him.  But they won’t do anything.  He is in California now so they will close their case – I am urged to open the case here.  This is disappointing.  I want him GONE.

Dalton decides he doesn’t want to be with his dad on Wednesdays (for Group) so I arrange for him to be with my sister.

I take a break from drawing pigs and decide to draw peacocks.  (Except I never did really do much with this).  It seems when I am feeling bad, the only thing I can do is draw.  Am I avoiding?  I don’t know; when I am being plagued by something I can’t draw.  After I do something worthwhile, drawing seems like a reward.  It helps me get through the hard stuff I guess.

I am really feeling like a mess.  The advice I am getting in Group I am rejecting.  Like taking away Dalton’s cell phone so his dad cannot keep calling him – but I think that would be unfairly punishing Dalton when he is already being punished in this way.  It doesn’t seem right.  I am being too disruptive in Group.  I am starting to feel very insecure and misunderstood again.  This does not feel good.

And I am feeling so much grief for what my sister is going through – so worried about her husband, will he come through this?  It is so awful.  I feel for her.

I am so angry at having to expend energy being angry at my X.  I am confused about why I can’t seem to cut him off completely; I just can’t see how to do this.  This is causing so much conflict and interfering with how I am dealing with Group.  I need to see Molly individually to get a handle on this but how can I afford it?

April

The weather gets nice, I want so much to make things right again, to be able to live good, to feel good.  I need to solve this constant problem with finances, I am so sick of it.  I want to get on with things and live like I want to!  And sunshine feels so good…

My dysfunction a month or two ago when I was too wrecked to pick up Dalton from Corey and it was so complicated and confusing – caused her to really be angry at me – again.  But I talk about it with my sister and figure out what it was about.  I try to fix things with Corey.  I seem to have difficulties even dealing with friendship.  I am trying, I meet with Cindy, I ask forgiveness from Corey even though I feel justified by what I did.  It doesn’t matter.  Friendship matters.

I kind of grind to a halt.  Depressed, not sleeping well – sleeping during the day to compensate.  Not doing anything I should do, not working, not drawing, not working on the house or any of that.  I remember my “Emergency Kit” idea and work a little bit on that.  It helps.  I then get a little bit of work from someone who still has my Recorder ad from years ago.  Attorneys are strange….

I talk to my friend Cindy about stuff – she helps me see that I do not need to let my X derail me, to manipulate me or have my quality of life be so subject to what he does or does not do.  I need to accept that he is the way he is and will do what he does and not give it emotional weight or the ability to trash my boundaries and my life.  I can choose to do or react however I choose.  (I think I must have forgotten this directly after hearing it though.)

I am not sleeping well, not drawing at all.  I know I need to get back on track.  I am sleeping all the time and can’t get myself up.  I feel comatose half the time.  I read, contemplate doing an “illustrated journal.”  But feel I have nothing interesting in my life to draw and do not feel comfortable going somewhere to draw.  I think I would like an art class, or a writing class.  Or even an acting class.  All I am doing here is ruminating.  Turning into a couch potato.

I know I should get back to sticking to a schedule, getting some exercise.  My sleep habits are out of control.  I feel like I got ship-wrecked, capsized.  I have two big goals:  To finish my “Little Pig” book and to clean out this house.  I keep getting sidetracked.  I got derailed, but am determined to take it back.  I start making plans.  I am determined to FORCE balance back into my life.  And I manage to do all that – for a while at least.  But I am feeling so much inexplicable  FATIGUE.  And I always am afraid that I will slip back and fall out of it again at any time.  It is always at the tip of my awareness.  This sense that I am unable to build a habit and it will always be a situation of my concerted efforts at holding to a schedule are a hair away from just slipping by the wayside.

I also notice that I get almost manic about being busy when I do this and my weekends, unscheduled, become trying.  I realize I also need to plan my weekends – my free time – or else I end up at wits end.

I do some thinking about “Quality of Life” and realize it needs to be an intrinsic thing, not subject to external realities.  It is about being in the Here and Now – and not putting happiness off for a better situation.

My X is still lying to me about child support, so I keep hoping.  But why do I keep believing him?  The 2nd half of the month is still just HARD.  I end up spending a ton of time and energy trying to come up with money to survive.  But I am still being productive, getting things done.  Still walking, still working on the garage, working on my Purvis illustrations. And on work, billing my 8 hours a week.  I am also finding time for naps it seems.

But troubles with Dalton not getting his homework done and then being late to school puts my schedule behind and then dealing with money issues interferes and I get in a bad mood, discouraged, irritable.  Don’t do what I am “supposed to.”  It is frustrating.  But I am so far doing ok.  Getting up 8:30 or 9 on the weekends, being productive.  Getting increasingly TIRED though.  [I fear I might be staving off depression here]  I think I am getting better though at doing what I want to do in a intentional way – summoning the “muse.”  I am finding it can be done.  I think it just takes practice at focusing.  It takes INTENTION.  And it feels so powerful and gratifying when I do what I intend to do.

Then my X starts trying to impinge on me again but I refuse to help him.  It is hard enough to take care of me and my son.  He gets angry, storms off, is horrible.  I worry about how Dalton is dealing with this.  It occurs to me that maybe playing his violent video games is a good outlet for him.  He seems to be remarkably ok.  Better than me I guess.  I have no outlet for my anger and distress!  Maybe I should play video games and shoot bad people and aliens!  I could pretend they are my X.  Who knows, maybe Dalton does that.  I would not blame him.  He is such a good boy, such a great kid.  I love him so very much.  I hate his father.

May

Starts out not so good.  I feel kind of lost.  I am again being too disruptive in Group.  I feel humiliated, like I am just losing it completely.  I am not functioning well.  I am sitting on the sofa watching Home & Garden TV all day.  I realize that ambiguity is deadly to my productivity.  It immobilizes me.  Feeling powerless and helpless because I have no money and don’t know what will happen.

Mother’s Day: Dalton got up and made something sweet for me; gave it to me when I got up.  He is so sweet.  His dad is supposed to take him to breakfast this a.m.; Dalton asks me if I mind since it is M’s Day.  I say that it is ok, but after he talks to his dad on the phone he is in tears saying his dad lied to him again; said he had other plans. Dalton was heartbroken.  I hate that man for hurting my baby.

I get a client to do a resume for from Craig’s List ads.  And I’m trying to get with it to do a yard sale.  Having motivation problems – fatigue, lethargy.  School is nearly out and I have not yet picked back up with my daily scheduling.

When it’s about money, I just go in circles:  lack of money, depression, fatigue, fear – and I stay stuck.  I have no belief that anything I do can make a difference.  I have always had financial problems even when I worked all the time.  If I go to work, I’ll still have financial problems but will not also be sacrificing my dreams and goals and my freedom.  And that does not feel very hopeful.  I have written tons about this issue – and for years.  It doesn’t ever seem to really change.  I just NEED a situation that WORKS for me!  Why is it so hard?

June

Group has ended for the summer – Molly is still letting me see her for group rates.  I am grateful.

I begin to take birth control pills to deal with hormones (and quit 6 months later).  It has made me feel kind of bloated and fat.  But I also think it has helped me quite a bit emotionally and with sleep.

I am now having trouble sleeping in late too much, especially with school out.  The weather is not like summer – still getting rain.

I am trying to get out more and be around people.  I am realizing how much I miss having friends, having a group of friends to hang out with sometimes.  I always just end up finding drunks.  But I keep hoping…

Continue reading →

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12/21/2011

Posted on December 21, 2011 by Linda

Winter Solstice

  • What do I want to work on in this week’s Group?
  • What difficulties and challenges do I currently struggle with?

1.  MONEY.  Why must I always battle with poverty and financial humiliation and distress?  How do I change it – once and for ALL – BUT while still pursuing my goals and dreams and living how I want.  There HAS to be a WAY.  I want to FIND IT.

Must cost of living is $1000 a month more than I can afford – and it is NOT DISCRETIONARY.  The things I come up with as possible solutions, while seemingly reasonable and rational, DO NOT WORK.  I do not find myself able to do whatever it is; I do not know why.

2.  Making my creative goals and dreams work for me.  And could this not drive me to solve #1?  I go in circles here.

SOMETHING HAS ALWAYS TIED THESE TWO THINGS TOGETHER FOR ME.  AND I HAVE EXPERIENCED PAIN MY WHOLE LIFE FOR IT. 

I NEED HELP WITH THIS.

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11/6/2011

Posted on November 6, 2011 by Linda

And I have come to a grinding halt.  I have not done a thing these past two weeks but sit here, depressed.  I’ve slept a lot, watched TV a lot; have only done what’s been absolutely required like getting Dalton to and from school, fixing meals and such.  I’ve done my client’s weekly payroll and filed the quarterly returns; but beyond that, I have barely left the sofa.

I hate this.  I can’t seem to crawl out of it; it is ugly.  I don’t blame poor Dalton for not wanting to spend much time here; I am glad he has so many friends.  Yesterday he told me that he is tired of hearing me complain all the time about everything.  That hurt; I did not realize and I am so sorry.  God, what is wrong with me?

I cannot pay the rent.  Again.  And this time I do know why; I simply am not making it.  And I just do not know what to do about it.  Even when I work as much as I can I have been feeling totally crushed trying to do this; I do not make enough money to stay in this house.  The scary part is that I don’t know if I can find anything suitable that is enough less to make enough of a difference.  I do not know what to do.  I feel like a huge failure and I am terrified.  Again.  It always happens eventually; it always has.  Only this time I have a child I’m responsible for; I cannot run away.  I feel sick.

I have not even been able to read, and that is bizarre.  Yesterday I didn’t even bother to check my email.  Usually I always log in online, primarily because if my sister does not see me online, she worries.  Seeing each other on AIM makes us feel close, like we are not so alone, and I am aware that it often helps me by making me feel accountable.  At times I fear that it is only feeling my responsibility to others that keeps me hanging in there.  And my sister sometimes will call me if she does not see me online for a long period of time.  I don’t like to think how it would be if she weren’t there.  But this week she has been on vacation in South Carolina and I am happy for her, she deserves this and I hope she is having a wonderful time.  I miss her.

But my sister does not deserve to have me dump my problems on her, and there is nothing she can do to solve my problems, though I know she would if she could.  I am feeling like the “messed up little sister” again – failing again.  Failing at LIFE 101.

And part of the problem is that when I am depressed like this it clouds everything in my head so that I am unable to see what choices or opportunities or possible solutions there might even be.  I am stuck in a hole, a mire, out of which I simply cannot see or move.  If I try to think about the problem or try to figure out solutions, it makes me feel like screaming and I feel like I might die.

I know my antidepressants do not work any more.  I suspected this for a long time and then recently read this article, which convinced me.  My doctor doesn’t want me to stop taking it, but I feel it is worthless to continue.  I do not remember the last time I felt this bad; it’s been years I think.  But I certainly recognize where I am.

There are pros and cons to having a child at such a time.  The bad thing is that I hate having him see me this way, I feel guilty and sad on his behalf and so very, very sorry.  I want things to be better for him and I worry about how my being like this might be affecting him.  The good thing is that because of him, I know that somehow I ultimately will be ok.  I cannot allow any alternative, for his sake.  I cannot let myself crash and burn.  But it scares me – much more than if it were only myself involved.  I want my son to have a good life.  Things are not real good right now and I hate that for him.

But short of MAGIC, I do not see how things might get any better. 

MAGIC has saved me before, I know it has.  And I have always believed that it is DOUBT which makes MAGIC not work; you have to believe.  But it is hard to believe especially given the fact that most people would decide you’re certifiably crazy to believe that MAGIC can solve your problems.

But I honestly do believe that MAGIC can happen when you BELIEVE.  Call it what you will – the Power of the Universe, the Power of Intent; GOD – it is all the same to me.  Whatever you call it, if you BELIEVE, MAGIC HAPPENS.  Unless I am crazy…

And all I really know right now is that I need to crawl out of this hole.  I somehow need to find a solution to my rent problem and I need to find my LIFE again.  But I can’t seem to do it.  Nothing seems to help; I just end up STUCK – every way I look at it.

I am worried about Christmas.  If I have no money now, how am I going to give my child and my family a decent Christmas?  I cannot accept this.  And this line of thinking makes me crazy!  It makes me want to crawl out of my own skin!

I do not even know why I am writing this.  Maybe it’s a step forward.  If I can do this, perhaps I can do something else – to prove I am still alive?  I want things to be OK, to be Right, to be Beautiful, Peaceful and Plentiful.  Why has it always been so hard for me?  I do not blame anyone but myself, but I do not understand; I never have.

I thought for a while that the answer was learning I have ADHD.  But that doesn’t really answer it for me any more.  This seems different.  But, I don’t really know, I could be wrong.  Maybe cutting way back on my ADHD meds was not the right thing to do.  I don’t like taking meds.  I should be able to take care of myself adequately without it, shouldn’t I?  And this was my argument years ago when I was told I should take antidepressants.  I did not want to.  I did not want to believe that I cannot deal with things without it.  Except that I was not successful at doing so until I gave up and took the meds.  My life did get better.  For a while, anyway.

I do not like hating myself.  I know I am the only one who can change that.  I know I am the only one who can fix this, or anything.  I just wish I felt stronger.  I wish Money was not such a big deal; I hate Money.  I hate that I cannot live without it.  I hate what not having enough does to me.  It incapacitates me, apparently.  And how can I let Money have such power over me?  Is it because I do hate it?  I think I hate it because of its power over me; its power over my quality of life.  And for me it seems to be a matter, not of quantity, but of the black and white issue of simply ENOUGH or NOT ENOUGH.  Either I have enough to be comfortable and content (not freaking out), or I do not have enough to manage and I am living in fear and agony.  It’s one or the other.  It’s true, I am either ok or not ok and it has a lot to do with whether I am making it financially or not.  I do not want or need a lot.  I just want to have ENOUGH.  It doesn’t seem like it should be this hard, it really doesn’t.

And it appears that I’ve begun writing this “Money Autobiography” that I assigned myself to do a couple of weeks ago, and which I have not yet been able to do.  I have been stuck in more than one way.  This past week I did finally hear from one of the people to whom I sent my “Little Pig” manuscript.  She indicated that she thought my story was “cute” but that she was not ”the right person” to represent me.  I am trying to digest that and decide what it really means.  I still have not heard from the other person who is a children’s book author (with an agent), but it occurs to me that I probably will need to research publishing houses and start submitting blindly to editors.  It feels rather daunting.  But it’s just another thing I need to attend to, really.

I still have no excuse for not continuing to draw and write.  It’s not like I’ve been doing anything else.  I have not, I have just been frozen.  STUCK.  Am I punishing myself for some reason?  Is it that I think I do not deserve any joy, any pleasure?  When I’m depressed like this I have often had to force myself even to eat – like I do not deserve to eat.  And if I can begin to understand some of these behaviors these days, why can I not stop them; get unstuck?

Maybe I am punishing myself.  Maybe I even can understand it.  Because I have no sympathy or respect for people who cannot even manage to take care of themselves.  Someone who is intelligent and capable – and has a child to care for – how dare I fail so miserably?  How can anyone love or have respect for a person so screwed up!  That is how I feel.

But perhaps this is being abusive.  I should not abuse myself.  But I do not know how to stop; I do not know how to fix this.

I did nothing for Halloween.  I stayed home all weekend, by myself, and did not a thing other than to make sure Dalton had a decent time and I bought (too much) candy.  I just did not have it in me this year and was just glad when it was over.  But I felt guilty.  I do hope to do better next year.

I didn’t go on the Wednesday walk this past week either.  I was feeling too miserable to move.  But on Thursday when Dalton was invited to go with friends to his school’s SKATE NIGHT activity, I decided to pull myself together and go up to Aqus to listen to music and try to crawl out of my hole.  It was OK, but I ended up feeling kind of stupid and pathetic.  In fact, very soon after I got there, as I sat sipping a beer, I kept finding myself near tears.  I did not want to cry!  So I tried to drink faster, drown those tears.  And by the time the music started and I was on my second beer, a woman came in who I knew from the Wednesday night walks so she joined me and I was glad to have somebody to talk to.  Unfortunately, I fear I annoyed her by my chatter when she only wanted to hear the music.  But I couldn’t seem to help myself.  I apologized for talking so much, but she left sooner than I would’ve expected.  I felt rather stupid and embarrassed.

And then I found myself blabbing to a guy sitting at the table next to me who I’d noticed looking at me.  He was obviously younger than me, but he thought I was about 10 years younger than I am (which my ego likes to hear) and I guess I just needed to let off steam.  I ended up talking about my son’s worthless father and he admitted to having children that he rarely bothered to contact or see.  He seemed to feel guilty about that.  I left feeling a bit annoyed with myself but who knows:  maybe my being there and reminding him of his duty was a good thing.  Perhaps it caused him to call his kids.  Maybe it made some kids somewhere happy.  I do not know.  It makes me think though – maybe this is one way to look at things:  Whether or not we do ourselves any favors, perhaps we can still have a positive impact on others, just by going out our door.  One cannot make any kind of impact if we sit at home and feel sorry for ourselves. 

I know I am alone too much.  But that is not always easy to fix either.

Maybe I just need to focus on that MAGIC.  See if I can bury the Doubts and Self-loathing and simply BELIEVE.  I do have a life, of sorts, sitting around me.  There are things I could – and should – do.  I could clean up my house, or at least work at it a little bit.  I could work on WORK so I can bill more money next month.  It would help even if it still doesn’t feel like it’s enough.  I could go back to work on my drawings, etc. – it would likely make me feel better.  I could get myself off the couch and go outside, move my body, breathe the air.

Will I do it?  I don’t know.  These worries assault me from the moment I open my eyes in the morning and continue relentlessly unless I distract myself fully or shut my eyes and go to sleep.  I don’t even want to THINK.  Because I end up just going in circles until I am frantic and want to scream, wound as tight as a bowstring.

I didn’t know if I could write this morning; I have not been able to this last couple of weeks at all.  But once I started writing, out it floods.  I suppose that is a good sign.

So in keeping with my assigning themes to my weeks, what would I call this?  My first thought was to say this has been about being on the Edge of Despair.  Then I decided it more rightfully should be said to be about Money.  But the truth is I got depressed BEFORE I ran out of money.  Depression is both a symptom and a CAUSE of money problems.  It can be hard to see which it is at times, but that is sort of irrelevant in the end.  I think perhaps this is more a matter of being STUCK.

So, I will focus on the idea that anything STUCK can become UNSTUCK given time and attention.  And also, there is always the matter of MAGIC.

 

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S.H.E.D.

Posted on October 22, 2011 by Linda

This is a very good book about house-clearing; about our emotional attachment to “things.”  I do not recall exactly when or where I purchased this – or even at exactly what point I started working with it, but I did at least start, although I never went very far with it.  There is a website connected with the book (www.juliemorgenstern.com) [which on my last check doesn’t seem to be working]; below is the “profile” I generated from the website.

SHED Your Stuff, Change Your Life 

S.H.E.D. Profile

Step 1:  Separate

——————————

Definition of the step: Separate

Separating the treasures gives you an opportunity to reflect on your situation and identify what’s actually working. Buried in even the most oppressive clutter, there is a small percentage of stuff that has practical or emotional value. These objects present clues to who you are. Taking the time to unearth them (before throwing everything away) positions you to make a more complete transition, rather than a temporary fix.

Diagnosis: “Need Improvement”

It’s easier for you to identify treasures – the 10 to 20 percent of items that have practical or meaningful value – in some areas, than it is in others. Perhaps you can instantly find the treasures in your closet, but have a harder time when it comes to your schedule, or vice versa. On average you tend to be a bit overgenerous in your definition of what’s truly valuable. This tendency could result in your hanging on to too much, failing to create the space for something new.

Chapters to Pay Special Attention to in WHEN ORGANIZING ISN’T ENOUGH

Take your time going through Section II, Separate the Treasures. Pay particular attention to the subsection “How do I Know It’s a Treasure” in Chapters 4,5 and 6, which will guide you in developing very clear criteria for what is truly worth keeping in your life, and what is obsolete. Then push yourself to distinguish between “true” treasures and things that are “close, but not quite.”

 Step 2:  Heave

————————-

Definition of the step: Heave

You can get organized without throwing things away, but you can’t SHED without opening up space. Heaving is fundamentally about releasing old attachments, whether those attachments are items in your physical space (like shelves full of books you haven’t read) or related to your schedule, in the form of commitments you resent, roles you’ve outgrown and projects that shouldn’t be on your to-do list.

Diagnosis: “Trouble Area”

You are uncomfortable getting rid of anything, even if it’s something that is obviously broken or irrelevant to your current situation. As much as you like having options and the tools on hand to manage any situation, you’re not attached to the specific items in your home or activities in your day, so much as the volume of stuff you have acquired – the abundance in your closets and the over-packed schedule you keep.

You worry that heaving objects will cause you to forget who you are and what you’ve done, or that you won’t be valuable without your old role and responsibilities. Letting things go also makes you feel guilty, like you are shirking responsibility, while your current state of abundance makes you feel important and needed. For all these reasons, you might often feel overwhelmed, overloaded and burnt out.

Your identity is wrapped up in the clutter, which is serving as a very handy distraction that keeps you from moving forward. In your mind the status quo is cozy (however obsolete) and much more comfortable than some unknown future. You might get so far as being able to identify items to heave (but never get them out the door) or you will continue to layer new, more relevant items on top of old, defunct things in your space and schedule. Ultimately, this load will slow you down and prevent you from opening space for something new.

Chapters to Pay Special Attention to in WHEN ORGANIZING ISN’T ENOUGH

Pay particular attention to Chapter 3, “Pick Your Starting Point”, where you will identify the pockets of clutter, or “points of entry”, that are candidates for your heave. Then, zero in on Chapters 7, 8 or 9 (in Section III, Heave the Trash) depending on whether you are releasing attachments to physical, schedule or habit clutter. Keep in mind that a successful heave requires you to harmonize mechanics, emotion and momentum. Recruiting a friend or family member to lend an extra pair of hands and moral support will make it easier for you to let things go.

 Step 3:  Embrace

—————————–

Definition of the step: Embrace

Embracing your identity is a chance to reconnect to who you are, without your stuff. After you’ve lightened your load in “Heave”, the goal of “Embrace” is to fortify your self-confidence as you remain exposed to the world without the comforts of your old shell.

Diagnosis: “Trouble Area”

You never really had a chance to develop a clear sense of yourself growing up. You consented to other people’s expectations and allowed societal norms to guide your decisions. You got good grades, went to a choice college and pursued a profession that others prescribed.

Since you haven’t had a chance to define yourself for yourself, it’s hard for you to embrace the moment. You tend to be consumed with worry about the past (Did I do something wrong? Am I in trouble?), or anxious about the future (What should I do next? Is this the right decision?) Your identity has been defined for so long by outside forces – a job, material acquisitions, a neighborhood, a relationship – it’s hard to imagine your life being any different from how it has always been.

Stripped of your old attachments, carving out a new identity for yourself will at first feel intimidating and disorienting. Anticipate the anxiety that accompanies any major change (in this case the release of old objects, activities and habits) and find the courage to stand empty handed. You have to give yourself more credit for the fact that you are who you are, without your stuff. Take time to savor the empty space, and fill it with self-discovery? You’ll be surprised how close answers to the question “Who am I?” you really are. Take heart in knowing that you will eventually fill your empty spaces with objects and activities that are more relevant to your theme for the future.

Chapters to Pay Special Attention to in WHEN ORGANIZING ISN’T ENOUGH

Section III, Embrace Your Identity, will help you fortify your self-understanding through a series of exercises that provide insight about your style and obstacles. Pay particular attention to Chapter 10, “Trust Yourself”, a confidence-booster that will ask you to remember situations when you’ve excelled, even though you were “empty-handed”. Chapter 11, “Discipline to Deliver”, will help you get out of your own way so you can deliver on your potential, while Chapter 12, “Live in the Moment”, will school you in the art of living in the moment.

 Step 4:  Drive

———————–

Definition of the step: Drive

Drive is the time to make tangible progress on your theme. It’s an opportunity to experiment with new activities – to see what works and what doesn’t – without the fear of failure. Drive is a two-steps-forward, one-step-back kind of experience. As you chart a new course, you are bound to make mistakes, but armed with a strong sense of self and a keen vision of the future, you will have all the tools you need to keep yourself on track.

Diagnosis: “Need Improvement”

You are willing to try new things and learn new skills, but you tend to stay within your comfort zone – moving forward but usually on the same basic path you established for yourself long ago. If you’ve always loved Beethoven or the Beatles, your idea of adventure is studying Mozart or the Monkeys, rather than exploring something totally off beat, like sculpture or the solar system. It’s hard for you to think beyond your normal purview or try anything that is too far flung from what is already familiar. This resistance to trying new things is often connected to a deeply rooted fear of failure. You stick within your comfort zone, because you like to excel at everything you do. This fear creates hidden limits on your ability to chart a completely fulfilling direction for your future.

Chapters to Pay Special Attention to in WHEN ORGANIZING ISN’T ENOUGH

Focus on Chapter 13, “Breaking Your Mold.” This chapter is designed to help you expand your blinders and give yourself a chance to succeed (or fail!) at something totally different from your regular roles and responsibilities. You’ll be encouraged to do something you’ve never done before – learn to cook, ballroom dance or even sign up for trampoline lessons! Experiencing failure, even a little bit at a time, will help ease your fear – you’ll also be able to imagine yourself doing brand new things you never thought possible.

 This is such an overwhelming task.  Will I ever get it done?

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10/22/2011

Posted on October 22, 2011 by Linda

I had a strange, somewhat disturbing dream last night:

My mother was here.  And my sister; they were talking together in her room like they used to. Dalton and his friend, Zak, were in another room playing, asking me if they could have a sleepover.  A boyfriend was also there, just wanting to get me alone so he could… well, you know; and my mother wanted me to help her put on her stockings.

I was drawing.  And I just wanted everyone to leave me alone and let me draw.  I was creating such wonderful things; but nobody seemed to notice or care.

Then, the doorbell rang and my sister wanted me to go to the door, even though it was her son that was there.  He had apparently been sent by his father (my landlord) to say where it was OK to park.  And then I got offended because this is my house and I told him that I am the one who makes those decisions!  And then I realized my sister didn’t want to be in the middle of this – didn’t want to confront me about my failure to adequately take care of the house, but had a responsibility to her husband (my landlord).  And it was like everyone knew how messed up I was and that I didn’t deserve this house and “they” were going to take over.

And I felt similar feelings to what I felt the time when I was 19 and had flown to Atlanta for a vacation with a friend:  I had agreed that, while I was there, I would go to Spartanburg, SC and pick up a car for my sister and drive it back to California.  But there was apparently some confusion as to what exactly that agreement consisted of – in terms of time, anyway.

The friend I was with somehow managed to get robbed, losing all of our travel money and things got a bit crazy (she was a bit crazy, but I was not yet fully conscious of that fact).  To make a long story short, when my sister wanted her car back right away, I told my family that I was in the unfortunate position of not having the money to come home yet but if they could help, I would comply.  My dad had given me gas credit cards, but when I tried to use them, I found they were expired and no longer valid.  When I told my parents this, I guess they didn’t believe me.  They ended up flying my then-16-yr-old brother out to take the responsibility of the car out of my hands and drive it back himself if need be.  He showed up, said “get in the car, we’re leaving,” and I was furious.  My parents had given him credit cards (ones that assumedly worked) and cash to make the trip!  He left.  I stayed, stuck in Atlanta,Georgia, with no money (and my crazy friend).  My thoughts were that if my parents could pay to fly out my brother, and give him cash for the return trip with the car, then why couldn’t they send me enough money to get home?  I really did not understand.  And my sister was very angry with me.  Everyone acted like I had been completely irresponsible and out of line.  I felt completely abandoned and misjudged.

I asked a friend in San Diego to loan me the airfare to get home, which he did, and I stayed with him for a couple of weeks, along with my friend who was dating the guy.  I did not tell my family where I was.  When I finally contacted them and went home, it didn’t seem like they even had missed me or worried about me at all.  I was very hurt.  Those feelings have lingered because to this day I do not understand what happened.  But it made me sensitive to perceived feelings of being misjudged or maligned.

This is how my dream made me feel.  And I realize it has to do with the fact that this week I have been focusing a lot on my frustrating inability to clean out and organize this house, and my guilt and humiliation about being behind on my rent and in such miserable financial shape.  There is guilt and shame, along with feelings of being misunderstood and misjudged.  But I now realize it is only me who is judging and blaming here.  I am the one imposing shame and guilt onto myself and then I project it onto others at times:  Because it feels so bad.  I do not like feeling incompetent or inept; a failure.  Who would?

So money and housecleaning are not my strong points.  That really doesn’t mean I’m a bad person, nor does it mean I’m a complete failure or idiot.  Or so I tell myself.

As I gradually awoke from this dream this morning, some impressions came to me.  When I was caring for my mother, I realize now that it made me feel important, like I mattered; I was doing something important.  And I took it seriously, I tried to be Super Woman – raising my son by myself, caring for my mother, in charge of the housework, the shopping, working, paying the bills, doing everything that needed to be done.  I could do this; I would prove I was worthy.  And I did this for a number of years, sometimes wearing myself pretty thin.  I did not pay much attention to my own wants and dreams, but I was ok with that.

Eventually though, things started breaking down:  the housework fell behind, organization turned to chaos, things got  misplaced and forgotten, bills didn’t get paid – and then my mother died.  I know my mother’s death was not my fault or due to any failure on my part.  I loved her very much.  In fact, I think part of the reason why things started to get out of my control was that I was so worried about her and her care became more time- and energy-consuming.

But it has been nearly three years since my mother died and I STLL have not cleaned out this house and put it in shape.  My mother’s things are mostly still here.  Her room is not being used except as a place to put things that don’t have any other place to go.  And, in fact, this house has gotten much, much worse.  I don’t know what to do with everything, there is too much STUFF and it simply feels too overwhelming.  I feel frozen.  And guilty.  And incompetent.  And I feel frustrated that I am paying for a house that does not even feel like my home – it is too messy, it is out of control!  And this all just feels crazy!  And I miss my mother.

I have gone through some major changes since losing my mother:  I quit smoking more than a year ago, after a 30+ year habit.  I also discovered I could draw, that I have always been an artist, and that I can have a life designed according to my deepest desires.  I can do this, and I only have to prove it to myself.

But meanwhile, I do not earn enough money and my house is a mess.  And I need to clear out the clutter to make room for the good stuff to come in.  Spiritually as well as physically.

A couple of years ago when trying to attack this problem, I found a book, “SHED Your Stuff, Change Your Life: A Four-Step Guide to Getting Unstuck,” that seemed to be exactly what I needed.  So at that time, I started it, cleaned out a corner of the garage – and then stopped.  I am not sure why.

Somewhere around the same time, I also found this book, The Energy of Money: A Spiritual Guide to Financial and Personal Fulfillment, and which I also started to read – but never got past the Introduction.  Perhaps I just was not ready.

Then this week, feeling so sick and tired of being depressed over not having any money, sick and tired of being scared and confused – I picked up “S.H.E.D.” again.  I re-read what I’d read before and on through to the end of the first chapter.  Reading it helped me feel better and perhaps the timing is right this time.  I read until I came to a place where there is an Exercise.  I am to write an “autobiography of money” for myself.  It seems I have tried to do this kind of thing at various times in the past – Molly even has advised me to do this – always trying to get to the bottom of why I never have enough money and never yet being successful at finding an answer that makes sense.  But I will try this again; maybe this time things will make sense.  Maybe I still need to dig deeper.

Several days have gone by and I still have not done this.  But I will; a promise to myself.  And, as for my house, my sister has told me just today that she wants to make it a point to come help me with the house when she gets back from her upcoming trip.  This is wonderful.  I need help and will be very grateful for it.

So I am, at least, trying to deal with things.  I still have not heard anything about my children’s book manuscript.  I battle feelings of insecurity and anxiety about this every day.  And I still am not drawing, not working on my “stuff.”  I try to distract myself – last week with trying to establish a social life – and this is still a very good thing.  And I am trying to work through my “money” and “house” issues.  This is a weird phase for me.  But I will get through it.

I was so looking forward to doing this again on Wednesday:   SCO: Wednesday Night Walk: Petaluma Downtown & Riverfront.  But then was reminded (or told, since I didn’t know about it) that there was a 6th grade parent meeting at the school.  I was devastated; I could hardly believe how let down I felt.  God, I’ve been so depressed.  But who wouldn’t rather go for a walk then go to a fund-raising meeting at the school?  (Especially when I needed help doing some fund-raising on my own.)  But I was prepared to do my duty and go.

And then I fell asleep.  That has been happening a lot lately; I will sit down on the couch to read about an hour or two before dinner and fall asleep – deeply asleep – and not wake up!  And this is what happened.  Dalton had been in his room playing video games (was supposed to be doing homework) and he came out and woke me up to tell me he was hungry – and it was too late to make it to the meeting!  I felt awful – guilty, embarrassed.  My disappointment over not getting to go on the Walk was completely overwhelmed by my feeling of guilt for not going to this.  And, likewise, I started out this week feeling guilt over letting Dalton do too much this weekend to accommodate my desire to go out and play; thereby causing him to miss school because he was so over-tired!  What’s a mom to do?  Growing pains of a sort must be what I’m feeling: Trying to adapt to having a Life outside of being a stay-at-home mom.  Eventually it will all work out – I hope!

Friday was a good day:  my sister went with me to The Find.  I am glad she wanted to go with me; I needed to follow up and show my cat magnets to the owner and had put it off all week. This stuff is not easy.  Showing strangers one’s creations is a very vulnerable business.   But, my sister enjoyed the store like I knew she would and the owner thought my magnets were very cute – but not exactly the right fit for her store.  She graciously gave me the names of some other stores she recommended, though, so I made a note of those.  We looked at a couple, but decided to go to lunch.  I will need to go back and try these stores another day, but I congratulated myself on at least taking the first step.  And then my sister and I had lunch at Café Zazzle.  It was a beautiful day and we both enjoyed our time together.  And at least I accomplished something.

Originally, in trying to decide how to sum up this week, I thought perhaps it was about “Guilt.”  But after writing this it occurs to me that perhaps it is more accurately about “Baby Steps.”  Big, overwhelming tasks or new and unfamiliar tasks – anything that is daunting or dreaded – can require Baby Steps in order to ultimately get it done.  Often it doesn’t seem like Baby Steps are worth the effort; how can Baby Steps get the job done?  But it is the Baby Steps that are, I think, the most important thing you can do.  Those Baby Steps, I think, are often the hardest part.

So here are the Baby Steps I seem to have taken:  Well, first thing was when I sent my children’s book manuscript off for professional critique; that was – and is continuing to be – extremely daunting.  Next, I joined some social groups, started a blog, and joined in some activities – on my own, alone, knowing no one; I am making another attempt at dealing with my house-clearing issue and trying to figure out how to get on top of financial matters – very small, but important steps; and I showed my magnets to a store owner with the goal of going further.

So there’s my story for this week.  And I feel better just by writing it.  Onward and upward….  BABY STEPS it is.

 

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10/17/2011

Posted on October 17, 2011 by Linda

Here is when I first started my Blog.  I only made a few entries and then ended up losing everything.  But I didn’t really lose it, for here it is:

10/17/2011.  This week started out with my feeling depressed, anxious, discouraged, frustrated, and scared.  I have thrown so much energy into my creations (“Purvis” picturebook and “cat” magnets, etc.),

and now I am faced with sending them into the world.

 

 

 

 

 

I feel inept, insecure, and very unsettled.  I am unable to work on any other projects or divine any new creations.  I feel very, very alone and very fragile.  I do not like feeling this way, not at all.

I worry that I have put too much weight into whether or not these things will successfully earn me any money.  I have perhaps held too much belief that the success of these things will propel me into the life that I have dreamed of for so many years.  What if it doesn’t happen?  I now am afraid that this possibility might pitch me into despair that I can never recover from.  How did this happen?  I am smarter than that.  But I despise so much of my current circumstances.  This has felt like my only hope.

But I have taken the first steps.  There is nothing now but to wait.  Waiting is another thing I despise.  But it is a necessary part of life, I do know this.  I must wait.  And somehow I must keep myself sane while I wait.  I am lonely though, so lonely.

Then, two things occur simultaneously – seemingly unconnected at first:  First, I am urged by members of my Monday night Group to find ways to make some friends.  I am invited to this month’s Petaluma Women’s Club dinner, and advised to research groups online so that I can make some new friends, such as MeetUp.com (which I had previous joined, but soon forgotten about).

Second, a book that I had seen reviewed and become curious about suddenly became available at the library, per my requesting it, and I picked it up. 

So I read this book, I researched things online, I became very frustrated at how slow my computers are and how long it takes me to do the least little thing, and I took a lot of naps; trying just to get through the days – checking my email constantly to see if anyone to whom I’ve sent my manuscript has replied yet (trying not to get totally discouraged every time I find they have not).

Then on Wednesday morning, my x-husband suddenly shows up and bullies me into letting him use my phone “to find out what is wrong with his and Dalton’s cell phones.”  As if I don’t already know (or guess) that he just hasn’t paid the bill.  This makes me crazy because after what I went through previously and what it took out of me to put my foot down and declare boundaries and to state that my life and space was off limits to him, here he is again trying to bully his way in and torment me.  He makes me ill, I cannot deal with him.  I hear him yelling at someone on the phone outside in my yard.  He comes in and lays into me about my not making our son talk to him and he rides off (on his bicycle; was his car never in the shop at all?), shouting at me at the top of his lungs all the way.  I start to sob.  This is just the frosting on my huge batch of self-loathing, fear and despair.  I am being a victim.  I am feeling sorry for myself.  That knowledge only makes things worse.

But I do not want to feel this way, this is not acceptable.  And as I continue to weep, I continue to slog through my sluggish computer searches and I find something that grabs onto me and holds me.  I find something in Petaluma (hooray) that involves new people, fresh air, and exercise.  It sounds perfect – just what the doctor ordered – I joined:  “SONOMA COUNTY OUTDOORS” and I become convinced that I need to attend this event:

SPECIAL FULL MOON WALK to the Water Tower, Petaluma, meet at Aqus Cafe, 5 miles, Oct 12, 2011 6:00 PM at Aqus Cafe, Petaluma, CA

If this doesn’t bounce me out of my depression, I don’t know what will (except to hear back favorably about my manuscript, of course).

But how can I go?  What about my son?  I just continue to weep and feel sorry for myself.  (It occurs to me that hormones could very well be a big culprit here – although that doesn’t change things.)  But then it also occurs to me that if I really want to do something, I usually can find a way to make it work.  So I try to find something for Dalton to do, or somewhere he can be, and a solution materializes.  Wow.

And luckily I didn’t have time enough to get too scared; I went.  Five miles is more of a hike than I had anticipated.  And I find myself more out of shape than I had believed too.  It was hard – but very worthwhile.  I enjoyed it so much I didn’t want to go home!  And this told me something:  I need to get out more.

And here is where I started to make some connections:  This book that I got at the library (“That Used Be Us”) talks about how our country can adapt to the challenges that globalization and technology have created.  And it mentions how things like “social media” are being utilized in so many ways and how it is important that we learn how to, in essence, change with the times.  I have been resistant to use or stay on top of such things as Facebook, although I do have an account.  But I wasn’t really using it, I was more often just feeling inept and overwhelmed.  But there are so many people on it!  And when I joined MeetUp.com, it asked if I wanted to link my account to my Facebook account.  And as I read, and I browsed, it became clear to me that if I would try to learn to use some of these tools, it would not only be in my best interests (like not feel so lonely, perhaps), but it was essentially part of what our country needs to be doing in order to move into this century and compete with the rest of the world.

So, suddenly I am trying to “be connected” and using Facebook and going between that and my email and my MeetUp account; I am putting things out there, sharing what I am doing and what I am trying to do and trying to also pay attention to what the people I know and like are doing.  It is something – just to share the little things in our lives; it is a start.  And, in fact, I decided to share my artwork that I recently scanned and posted up on my website.  I have not shared that with very many others, but decided I need to share it with all if it is my desire to promote my talents – which it is.

So now it is Saturday.  And I have arranged for my son to go to a friend’s house this evening so I can attend another event.  This is not only part of this one MeetUp.com group’s events, but it is done through Aqus Café and is a Petaluma COMMUNITY event.  And while I am slightly nervous (this is all very new, after all), I am also looking forward to it because I know this is a good thing for me to do and I am quite sure I will really enjoy it.  And I will be meeting people, and I know that is important.  I have always needed people in my life.  Why should now be any different.  It is even more important now.  My mother is gone, my son is slowly growing up and away from me in some ways, and I work at home, alone.  I NEED this.

So I think the theme for this week is:  Getting Connected with Community.

 

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Community Crawl

Posted on October 17, 2011 by Linda

The Aqus Community Crawl

I must write about Saturday evening’s entertainment:

 Community Crawl

I missed the first stop, the Petaluma Bounty’s 4th Annual Bounty Harvest Party, at 55 Shasta Avenue, which was supposed to start the Crawl off at 5:00 and go until about 6:15.

I had to get Dalton ready for his sleepover and I still hadn’t had my shower (since I’d worked most the day on writing my blog (on my very SLOW computer), so I was not able to pull myself together until nearly 7:00, when I then discovered that I could not find my cat anywhere and, in fact, had not seen him for hours, which is very unusual.  But I finally located him, made sure nothing was amiss, and then headed off for stop no. 2:  The River House at 22 Weller Street.

I had always wondered about this place whenever I saw it.  It is a charmingly lovely Victorian building, right along the riverfront – now an office building; used to be a restaurant, apparently.  It is also apparently used as a gallery, displaying art all along the walls in the hallways.  This evening it was a reception for local artist Jordan Pepper and his work was being shown.

I was a little nervous when I first arrived; there were a lot of people there and I recognized nobody.  But I enjoyed the art and tried to mingle and soon found myself chatting with a few people, including a really nice couple, with whom I discussed such things as the price of rentals on the West Side – where I would really prefer to live (someday).

Then came something really interesting that I had never heard of before:  We got to witness Scene I of a play done by the “24-Hour Theater,” performed on the balcony overlooking the courtyard where everyone was gathered enjoying the lovely evening:

“A 24-Hour Theater is created when the writers get together 24 hours before the actual event, come up with the theme and write the script. The actors will gather the next morning to learn their lines, and by that same evening they are performing on various stages.”

When the actors finished we left – in cars mostly – to go to the next stop (#3), which was “Belle Epoque,” a recently opened art and antique boutique located at 119 Washington Street.  After parking my car in the parking garage on Keller Street, I ran into a woman who I’d met at the “Full Moon Walk” on Wednesday.  We chatted about our cats as we walked up to the store location.  I knew that she could appreciate my anxiety about not being able to locate my cat earlier!

Belle Epoque was a really pretty little shop and I hope to visit it again in the near future – when half of the population of Petaluma (just kidding) isn’t packed inside!  It was crowded.  But they were passing out plastic cups of complimentary wine and there was someone playing an accordion on the sidewalk.  I talked to one lovely woman whose dog was perched on her shoulder throughout the evening as if she were wearing a fur stole, except for the fuzzy white tail wagging cheerfully at the back of her head the whole time.  It was very cute, and so was she.

We soon were off to stop number 4:  The Find, located at 322 Western, practically right around the corner.  I loved this store!  And I did not know it was even there; it has replaced the “Sacks” store that used to be there.  We stayed at this location a lot longer than the last place.  It is a much bigger place for one thing, and the “24-Hour Theater” performed Scene II of the evening’s performance.

I really enjoyed this stop.  I have never seen a consignment store with such interesting merchandise!  I was thinking that I would love to take my sister to see it some time.  And I also decided that it might be a possibility of a place I might be able to sell my creations, like my “cat magnets.”  I made a point of speaking to the owner and she invited me to come in later in the week and show her what I have.  This is a very good thing and I will certainly follow up; how exciting!  I spoke to lots of people at this place and really enjoyed every bit of it.

Finally, the evening ended up with the final stop of the Crawl at Pazzo, at 132 Keller Street, where the band “The Mighty Groove” was playing.  I was very saddened to find out that this was also the final night for Pazzo – they unfortunately have to close their doors like so many other locally-owned businesses are doing these days.

But I had a great time here; I talked to lots of people – one of whom was a gorgeous woman who has the interesting, but likely very stressful, job of being an investigator into missing children cases.  It was very interesting talking to her.  (I have been making an effort to remember people’s names, but I have been meeting so many people, it isn’t easy.)

I also found myself talking to one of the night’s performers, about the “24-Hour Theater” and how much fun I thought it looked.  Somehow I ended up giving her my card when she asked for it, saying she would call me to see if I wanted to participate in the next one.  Well… I do think it would be fun.  I am not sure whether I am brave enough, however!

All in all, I had a simply marvelous time.  I danced, I mingled, met lots of interesting people (including one man whom I am not quite sure what to think of yet…) and I am very glad I got a chance to go.  I am only now learning what a great community we have here in Petaluma and I intend to be a part of it.  People need other people, and that is how it has always been, and always will be.  It’s kind of amazing the things we have to do these days in order to not end up isolated and lonely.  But I am learning, and it hasn’t been that hard. The World is out there and all it takes is a single step to feel connected to it all once again.  It looks like my little world is finally changing for the better. 

And, by the way, there was a professional-looking photographer taking pictures throughout the evening – you can see the photos at www.smugmug.com.)

 

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Children’s Book Writers Conference

Posted on July 16, 2011 by Linda

Children’s Book Writing

A preview of the day-long Children’s Book Writers Conference…

Designed for ~ Writers and illustrators interested in learning more about children’s books from published authors/illustrators and a children’s book editor/agent in a day-long intensive with sessions devoted to picture books, middle-grade and YA, editing, and presentation.

When ~ July 16, 2011, ~ 9:30 AM to 4 PM

Where ~Sebastopol Center for the Arts

Schedule

9:30 ~ Registration begins. Meet & greet with an opportunity to see the Art of the Picture Book: Behind the Covers exhibit and also the Bibliophoria II: Art of the Book Exhibit.

Inkling to Ink ~ Morning Session ~ 10 to 12:30 ~ Picture Books from inspiration to print

10-10:30 ~ The Spark! Recognizing and holding on to inspiration with author/illustrator Teri Sloat

10:30 – 10:45 ~ Inspiration in action! A visit to a Wooleycat concert in the music room at Sebastopol Center for the Arts, featuring Dennis Hysom, his audience of young children, parents, and grandparents, and songs from Wooleycat’s Musical Theater.

10:45 to 12:30 ~ Art of the Picture Book Presentations & panel discussion in conjunction with the Art of the Picture Book: Behind the Covers exhibit at Sebastopol Center for the Arts, featuring four author/illustrators. They will discuss:

• Processes in conceptualizing, writing, and illustrating picture books.

• Experiences in developing projects, presenting them to agents and publishers, and seeing them through publishing and beyond. They will share their results in printed books and mobile apps.

Morning presenters: Gianna Marino, Teri Sloat, Stacey Schuett, Christine Walker

Working Lunch ~ 12:30 to 2

Seek & Find research trip to Copperfield’s Books children’s book section. This includes a short presentation by and Q&A with Michele Bellah, Copperfield’s children’s book buyer, regarding book selection, presentation and audience.

Q &A back at the Sebastopol Center for the Arts. Followup on morning session topics and preparation for afternoon session.

Afternoon Session ~ 2 to 4

Chapter Books & YA ~ 2 to 3

Author presentation by and discussion with Hillary Homzie.

Editing & Presentation ~ 3 to 4

Presentation by and discussion with Abigail Samoun, agent and former editor with Tricycle Press.

Fee ~ $110 includes workshop and lunch catered by Brown Street Grill.

To register and for more information: Contact Linda Galletta, Sebastopol Center for the Arts, Email  lindag@sonic.net  Phone 707.829.4797

To reserve your place mail your check for $110 to: attn: Bibliophoria, Children’s Book Writers Conference, Sebastopol Center for the Arts, 6780 Depot Street, Sebastopol, CA 95472.

 

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“The Spark”

Posted on July 16, 2011 by Linda

Take time to enjoy your new idea.  Play with it and avoid too many thoughts of what it will turn into.

Gather Kindling:  Surround yourself with images you have made or images that help you write.  Gather a vocabulary to support your fire.  Think of the most vivid wording you can to avoid dead writing.

Add Wood:  Start with smaller pieces of dry wood…ideas and feelings that have been with you.  This is your fire, and whether you know it or not when you start, the story is partly about you…the way you felt as a child, a fascination you have or the way you feel now.

Smaller pieces of dry wood include sketches that come to mind, phrases that you think of, characters that remind you of someone.  Take time to let this become a personal story, even if it is an alphabet book.  Are you fascinated with groupings, rhyme, alliteration?  Sounds that thrill us can be the wood we add to the fire.

Avoid putting a huge log on the fire until it is ready.  The huge log looks like these thoughts:  How soon can this get published?  Where can I send this?  What form is the most sellable?  Putting a package on your book too soon and refusing to change its form is a sure way to put your fire out.  The editor or agent will tell you when it is time.  Then let it roar.

Keep the fire going:  Sometimes the fire is just smoldering when we think it has gone out.  That doesn’t mean it won’t be flaring to life later.

– Compliments of Teri Sloat

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6/15/2011

Posted on June 15, 2011 by Linda

(re the “Pause”)

Well, well – and where am I now?  I think that I am going through so many changes so much these days, it’s like I figure out who I am and what I’m all about – and next I know, it all changes.

Is it just being 50?  Am I having to redesign myself as a middle-aged person?  And if so, I don’t feel like I really know who that is.

I think my main complaint is that I don’t feel at all like I expect to feel.  Where is my energy?  Where is my brain?  I feel like a pile of mush.  I’m tired, scatter-brained, irritable.  I Don’t want to talk to people, or rather I don’t want any impositions or complications, any expectations put on me.  To put it simply, I don’t want to be bothered, or to have to DO anything.  I don’t feel particularly depressed, just…  BLEH.  So what do I need and/or want?

I think that I’d like to feel alive again.

Not that I am wanting anxiety, worry or fear – but I keep thinking about last summer and it seems to me that I just felt better, more vibrant, alive.  So what changed?

– Hormones/sleep issues; yeah, perhaps that is all it is.

– weight gain/inactivity – but where is my energy?  Is it gone for good?  I do not like it.  I feel like if this is what it is to get old, I do not like it or want it!  Please tell me it is only temporary!

Ah the joys of menopause…

 

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5/6/2011

Posted on May 6, 2011 by Linda

There are some things on my mind that I want to address – perhaps with Molly. 

(1)   About MONEY:  But what is there to discuss?  I am hanging in there; something will change for the better.

A NEW THOUGHT:  To me, it is not as simple as just going out and getting a job at all costs.  There is a FINE LINE when it comes to QUALITY OF LIFE.  A change is not desired if it does not tip the scale towards improving my quality of life with all things being considered, like time with my child, time to draw; to live how I choose – versus having enough money to get by– A Fine Line. 

We are surviving.  But it is not easy, it is stressful, there is fear.  And I do need some relief.  A new client or two would probably do it.  Child Support would help immensely.

And then there is FEAR.  To live without fear is perhaps my greatest goal. 

I think perhaps the ISSUE here is not about Money so much as it is about FEAR.

What tools might help me learn to deal better with, or decrease, alleviate my fear?  It is a Life-Long thing that happens whenever certain situations occur; when I become afraid of not being able to take care of myself adequately.  It is a Survival thing.  I think I have never felt SECURE.

What exactly would make me feel secure, no matter what?  Is that possible?  I have, though, to be honest, improved significantly.  I am not FROZEN.  I am persevering.  But I work hard at this – and it could be better.  I could have PEACE.

FEAR – but it is not really fear of LACK that I suffer. It is not about having or lacking things. I believe that the Universe is generous and abundant and I truly feel that I have all that I really need.  This fear I have is not a fear of LACK, it is fear of a loss of survival; of the Failure to Survive – like that my world will cave in and I will die.  This is dreadful.  And it has always been a part of me.  I HATE IT.

(2)  Going back to the issue of QUALITY OF LIFE, there is FEAR and there is the state of my physical environment.  This situation has weighed me down for far too long but I am trying to work my way through this.  I think I need to have a SALE.  But I need HELP.  I have done research, but I do not know how to start.  I need HELP and SOON.  And I am going to need help at many phases of this whole process, it is very hard.

Oh I want my “dream house” that I have been building out of magazine pictures! 

But THIS is the house I currently live in.  And there is POTENTIAL to make it something that I could be happy with – perhaps.  But first I need to clean it out.

I can help myself in two ways, by selling stuff off, make some money to stretch “the ends,” while getting rid of all this stuff.  But I need help with the logistics – a “body double.”

With enough money (and lack of fear), and a clean house that is designed to work for me – I can go from there.  I have learned, grown; improved myself and my world in many ways.

(3) TROUBLE areas for me right now:

– My son’s father – helping my son (and myself) cope with all of these tough issues; it is a very big job.

– And my dear sister – dealing with the day-to-day trauma of care-taking for her husband.  And the poor, sick man; it is truly heartbreaking.  And the huge unknown is there – for my sister, for all of us who are affected.  It also is so reminiscent of what we went through with our mother, my sister and I.  I need my sister to help me with our mother’s stuff.  She knows this, but it is hard – these are just some very tough times.  And it’s about keeping things in perspective.

So in the meantime, what do I do?  And it appears that I am having difficulties getting along in Group these days.  Perhaps I just don’t have enough people in my life to talk to.  I sometimes go a whole week without really seeing or talking to much of anyone, besides my kid.  And my cat.

But if I am being intrusive and disruptive in Group, this really makes me feel awful, because I don’t know how I can change it or be any better.  I feel rather humiliated, to tell the truth.

So what do I need:

  • Ongoing guidance to help me stay focused on my goals and get things done.
  • Quality of Life improvements; (fine line between life quality and enough money); I need some kind of adjustments to increase income/cash flow.
  • Help dealing with FEAR.
  • To improve physical environment and earn money, I need assistance at making a yard sale happen; maybe do some online selling too.
  • How can I learn to communicate in/utilize Group better?
  • How do I cope with these tough issues regarding my son’s father, and my sister/brother-in-law situation – do I need some kind of support network?  I am unsure what I need.
field-piano

Dazed and Confused in the 21st Century

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4/22/2011

Posted on April 22, 2011 by Linda

ADHD THOUGHTS…

Thinking about how, over these last few years, I have been learning how to “train my brain” to use my time wisely and be “intentional;” I have learned how to schedule myself to do certain tasks at certain times (as weird as that sounds) and now I want to be able to “command myself to draw” when I want, like I can do for other things, because I can’t afford to wait for my “muse” to hit.

I believe I can learn to grab on to that “muse” when desired.  Some people may not believe that is possible, but why shouldn’t it be?  Why should creativity be so slippery and illusive?  I think that if I can train my brain to do certain other things like I have – e.g., we can train our ADHD brains for “left brain” activities in order to fit into this “linear” and “left brain” world (so we can be less of a “square peg in a round hole”) so why can’t we do the same thing for creative “right brain” activities (which, for people with ADHD, seems to be the natural inclination – but which also has been in many cases often subdued in order to pay attention and fit in to the “left brain” world’s demands), then I should likewise be able to do this.

I choose not to accept limitations; I believe we all have the power – or can access the power – to do just about anything.  And I very much believe in the Power of Intention.  And I believe that as we (as Human organisms) are learning, we are also evolving.  And we have unlimited potential.  Because our minds our connected to the Power of the Universe – to God; to all that ever was, to all that is, and to all that will ever be.  We are all connected to each other and to the Universe and to the Power of Life within all.  We all have a lot of power if we but will use it.  This is what I truly believe.

And I choose not to view ADHD as a disability.  I choose to believe it is our world that has become unmanageable to those of us whose brains are sparkly and bright instead of those with the more “standard” sort.  And, after all, our world has become almost equally unmanageable to everyone.  There also seems to be something within us, who have ADHD, which rebels against some of these society-imposed demands and by resisting that, we of course then encounter challenges.  But that does not mean disability.  But I feel like in order to live with integrity, according to my own lights, I have to somehow go against the grain of what is required to live in this society.  It is frustrating.

As for learning, I believe that those of us with ADHD would have benefited from learning about the world and ourselves in a different way than how most of us were taught.  I truly believe this; because we are highly capable of learning.  Or at least most of us are, I believe.  Personally, I think those of us with ADHD are blessed, despite the challenges that arise due to living in a “linear” society.  Truthfully, I believe that life is not meant to be so linear.  The natural world is cyclical.  I believe our society has departed greatly from what is good and natural.  And that is why so much is wrong and sick with our world.  We who have ADHD are not sick.  I think we are closer to being how we humans are meant to be than perhaps many others.  I think that is why so many people are so unhappy.

Are people with ADHD less happy than people without ADHD?  I tend to think that even though we might experience more frustration and dissatisfaction, more difficulty in some cases, I also think we are less focused on those things and more focused on the beautiful and joyful things in life.  I think we tend to be more connected to Spirit.  There is difficulty, but there is also Joy.  How much Joy does the average person experience?  I know Pain.  But I also know Joy.  It lives in my Soul and can be summoned despite anything else.  I sometimes forget that, though.  Life can be so difficult – just to survive – that I forget to look for the Joy.  I don’t have to look very far.  I just have to Remember.

 

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