2/9/2013

I started a new puzzle yesterday – it’s called “Gecko Madness.” It’s another 1,000 piece monster – I actually got this for Dalton once because he is so good at puzzles, but he never did even open it.

puzzles 001Now, every time he happens by he manages to find a missing piece immediately; I do not know how he does that!

I have found that I enjoy doing these though; especially if they are particularly challenging – and this one is that, for sure.

Something else I did yesterday:  as I was going through some of my things and putting them away in my “art credenza” by my desk, I saw something on the floor and thought perhaps I’d dropped something.  It was just a little thing – looked like it was perhaps a thumbtack, or – I really didn’t know, but I picked it up.  It was black.  And it was a dead spider, legs curled up in a ball – and I shrieked and dropped it.  I actually picked up a dead spider with my bare fingers!  Horror of horrors!  And it was not a tiny spider.  It was a rather large, leggy, hairy spider – thankfully dead.

I hate spiders.  I get chills just thinking about them.  I did manage to pick the thing back up and throw it in the garbage.   But I used a tissue this time.eb0073fcd9711c5b_laughing-smiley-male-smiley-laugh-smiley-emoticon-000288-large

I’ve been having strange dreams (and I remember that this happened last time I quit smoking); after seeing a poor dead cat (that had been run over) at the side of the road for the last couple of days, the other night I dreamed that it came back to life and started talking to me.  I’d say that’s a bit strange….   And then last night I dreamed that Louis came back, but his son was still the little 8-year-old boy that he’d been when I first met them, and my son (who is older by only a couple of years) was a big teenager – but even bigger than he currently is.  So that was weird too.

Sometimes life is just full of little bits of weirdness…

_________________________________________________________

puzzles 006

March 11:  PUZZLE UPDATE – I have finished this beast – and it was fun; however it seems to be missing two pieces!  I do not know if the cats somehow did something with them or if it came that way from the factory.  Oh well…

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The Patrick Melrose Novels

On 1/24/13, I started reading The Patrick Melrose Novels.  What an amazing story; I am simply going to post here what Amazon.com said about the book, because that sums it up well:

The Melrose Novels are a masterwork for the twenty-first century. . . . —Alice Sebold.  

For more than twenty years, acclaimed author Edward St. Aubyn has chronicled the life of Patrick Melrose, painting an extraordinary portrait of the beleaguered and self-loathing world of privilege.  This single volume collects the first four novels—Never MindBad NewsSome Hope, and Mother’s Milk, . . .  —to coincide with the publication of At Last, the final installment of this unique novel cycle.  By turns harrowing and hilarious, these beautifully written novels dissect the English upper class as we follow Patrick Melrose’s story from child abuse to heroin addiction and recovery.

Never Mind, the first novel, unfolds over a day and an evening at the family’s chateaux in the south of France, where the sadistic and terrifying figure of David Melrose dominates the lives of his five-year-old son, Patrick, and his rich and unhappy American mother, Eleanor.

From abuse to addiction, the second novel, Bad News opens as the twenty-two-year-old Patrick sets off to collect his father’s ashes from New York, where he will spend a drug-crazed twenty-four hours.

And back in England, the third novel, Some Hope, offers a sober and clean Patrick the possibility of recovery.

The fourth novel, . . .  Mother’s Milk, returns to the family chateau, where Patrick, now married and a father himself, struggles with child rearing, adultery, his mother’s desire for assisted suicide, and the loss of the family home to a New Age foundation.

After finishing this book, I went straight on to the next one, At Last, which is the final installment in the saga, and I finished this one around February 7th.

 At Last begins as friends, relatives, and foes trickle in to pay final respects to Patrick’s mother, Eleanor.   An American heiress, Eleanor married into the British aristocracy, giving up the grandeur of her upbringing for “good works” freely bestowed on everyone but her own son, who finds himself questioning whether his transition to a life without parents will indeed be the liberation he had so long imagined.  The service ends, and family and friends gather for a final party.   Amid the social niceties and social horrors, Patrick begins to sense the prospect of release from the extremes of his childhood, and at the end of the day, alone in his room, the promise some form of safety . . .  at last.

“Edward St. Aubyn offers a window into a world of utter decadence, amorality, greed, snobbery, and cruelty—welcome to the declining British aristocracy.”

I thoroughly enjoyed these amazing books.  And here is an interesting interview with the author, Edward St. Aubyn.  He says here, “The whole Melrose series is an attempt to tell the truth, and is based on the idea that there is some salutary or liberating power in telling the truth . . . . But I can still say what I think is true – that I have spent 22 years trying to transform painful lived experience into what I hope is pleasurable reading experience. The intention was to make a work of art rather than a confession.”  I think these books are definitely a work of art.

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2/3/2009

I am writing this in January of 2013.  February 3, 2009 is the day my mother died. 

It was also my son’s 9th birthday.  Neither he, nor I will ever forget that day.

But, as I have been recently going back over my writings, I have found that I did not write anything at, or about, that time.  There is a big gap. 

I do remember that time quite clearly.  And I remember spending a lot of time simply sitting and staring into space. 

I want to write about my mother; to come to terms with her death.  But I still do not feel that I am ready to do that.  Maybe someday I will be. 

 In the meantime, I still grieve.  I miss you, Mother. 


(I do not know where I got this picture, or who might own it; it just speaks to me somehow.)

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2/3/2013

Today is my son’s 13th birthday.  Thirteen?  How can that be?  It is amazing how fast children grow up.  

I made a birthday card for him:

And my most important gift that I am giving to him is that, starting tomorrow, I am going to Quit Smoking – again! and Once and For All (I hope!).

I want to be Successful and Sublime.  Free again – I can do this.  I will do this for my son, and for my LIFE.  I will quit smoking, be at peace, and heal my soul – and care for my child, who is now a teenager!

But, Serenity is my Directive.  To THRIVE is my goal.  (And BREATHE.)

This is going to be a good year; I can feel it – to clear out the “inside” and then clear out the “outside.”  AND BE FREE.  

Here is my “31 point plan” for this month.   And I intend to keep this up!  If nothing else, it gets me to draw – but what it really does is get me to Pay Attention and to live a more balanced life.

And I hope that my son has a Wonderful Year; he is a wonderful boy; I am so very proud of him and I am so very, very lucky to have him; he has always been a Priceless Gift to me.

Parenting (especially on my own) is hard work.  But the Rewards are Priceless.

Happy Birthday, my Son!  You are MUCH LOVED. 

 

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1/27/2013

Some observations this morning:  One thing I really like about living here with my sister is having these opportunities to discuss things with her; to engage in conversation and share insights with someone who is like-minded and interested in the same things.  And we both feel very grateful that we get along so well; that we like and respect each other.  We are in some ways very different from each other, but are in many other ways very much alike.  I think that we cohabitate very well.

At times I have wondered if it has been too hard for Cherie to adapt to my presence, if she has felt that I “cramp her style” in any significant way.  But this morning she shared with me some insights she has been having about the fact that, here we are, two women, trying independently but at the same time to deal with years of trauma and difficulty and heal.  And how we both have the “space” now to do that; we are patient with each other and kind; and how remarkable it is that we both have this unique opportunity to take all of this stuff and to heal – and there have been so many serendipitous occurrences, so much synchronicity; it’s been very powerful and profound – to both of us, at different stages of our individual “journeys.”

I have been having similar impressions so I am grateful to hear that she likewise feels this way.  I reminded her that, back when she first came up with this idea – to have her husband move out and have me and Dalton move in – I had told her that it was absolutely INSPIRED.  And so it is; she has saved both of us.

And my journey here thus far has been to “clear” out all my “stuff” that has been dragging me down over the years; I want to assimilate and integrate all the learning and growing and collecting of things that I have done; all the changing and moving upward I have been embarking on and struggling with; trying to finally follow my goals.  I’m trying to clear up all my internal “unfinished business” and gather myself together in the Present – and then tackle the external “stuff” that needs to be cleared out to bring my environment and my Entire Being into a space that feels clean, ordered, and free – where I can move forward with my goals and dreams; cleaning house, inside and out; organizing my Soul. This is essentially about moving up on the “Integrity Tone Scale.”  And it feels necessary, and good.

 

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Ingersoll’s Vow

I came across this several years ago.  I printed out to keep because it was so special to me and profound.  I still feel a sense of awe when I read this:

Ingersoll’s Vow

When I became convinced that the Universe is natural – that all the ghosts and gods are myths, there entered into my brain, into my soul, into every drop of my blood, the sense, the feeling, the joy of freedom. The walls of my prison crumbled and fell, the dungeon was flooded with light, and all the bolts, and bars, and manacles became dust. I was no longer a servant, a serf, or a slave. There was for me no master in all the wide world – not even in infinite space. I was free – free to think, to express my thoughts – free to live to my own ideal – free to live for myself and those I loved – free to use all my faculties, all my senses – free to spread imagination’s wings – free to investigate, to guess and dream and hope – free to judge and determine for myself – free to reject all ignorant and cruel creeds, all the “inspired” books that savages have produced, and all the barbarous legends of the past – free from popes and priests – free from all the “called” and “set apart” – free from sanctified mistakes and holy lies – free from the fear of eternal pain – free from the winged monsters of the night – free from devils, ghosts, and gods. For the first time I was free. There were no prohibited places in all the realms of thought – no air, no space, where fancy could not spread her painted wings – no chains for my limbs – no lashes for my back – no fires for my flesh – no master’s frown or threat – no following another’s steps – no need to bow, or cringe, or crawl, or utter lying words. I was free. I stood erect and fearlessly, joyously, faced all worlds.

And then my heart was filled with gratitude, with thankfulness, and went out in love to all the heroes, the thinkers who gave their lives for the liberty of hand and brain – for the freedom of labor and thought – to those who fell in the fierce fields of war, to those who died in dungeons bound with chains – to those who proudly mounted scaffold’s stairs – to those whose bones were crushed, whose flesh was scarred and torn – to those by fire consumed – to all the wise, the good, the brave of every land, whose thoughts and deeds have given freedom to the sons of men. And then I vowed to grasp the torch that they had held, and hold it high, that light might conquer darkness still.

Robert G. Ingersoll (1833-1899)

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“Earworms”

Here is something I learned this week:  I learned about “earworms.”  When I listen to music, I often end up with music “stuck in my head” for periods of time, sometimes lasting over a day and often I wake up with it.  This is mostly a good thing because it is usually songs I have listened to that I very much like.  But it can be awful if it comes from some annoying commercial jingle or something, or from “music on hold.”  I have always had music in my head a good bit of the time, but I never before knew there was a word for it.

Sometimes my brain even makes up the music.  Sometimes I wish I knew how to transfer what is in my head onto sheet music or into some form where I could save it.  And who knows, maybe someday I will learn how to do that.  Anything is possible…

Here is the “earworm” I have had stuck in my head for about the last week or so – and I really love this song:  

 

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1/20/2013

January 20.

My mother would be 83 years old today.  Oh I miss her.  Happy Birthday, Mother, wherever you are.  And I will never quit missing her.

my beautiful mother

on my wedding day

The hardest thing is, she didn’t really have to die when she did.  It is so hard to accept.  I have had it in my mind ever since, to write something about the situation; what killed her, and call it “Pharmaceutical Hell.”  I had despaired of ever doing it, but it occurs to me that it’s never too late.  I can still do it.  I’ve been working on clearing my “stuff,” physically and mentally, freeing myself; changing my creative longings into things I can actually DO – and believing that I can; that I actually can do all that I want.  And I am getting to that place; clearing out the old; integrating it all within me, taking control.  And I don’t feel as overburdened and “clogged” as I did, not so very long ago.  I don’t feel the pressure, and the despair.

But I will never get over missing my dear, sweet mother.

 

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The Scar

1/20/13 – Started reading “The Scar” by Sergey and Marina Dyachenko.  The jacket copy says,

“Stylistically reminiscent of Robin Hobb [who is one of my absolute favorite authors], and with a haunting and ominous imagination similar to Michael Moorcock [another one of my favorite authors]‘s, The Scar tells a story that cannot be forgotten.”

“Rich, vivid, tactile prose, with a solid yet unpredictable plot – and an extraordinary depth and intensity of character reminiscent of the finest Russian literature.”

Sounds like my kind of book!

1/24/13 – and I finished this book last night.  A very good book – I love the way it is written; the language is wonderful.  Here’s a sample that I liked:

“Cowards were disgusting and despicable.  More than once, Egert had observed others being cowards; he had seen the outward signs of their fear: pallor, uncertainty, trembling knees.  He now knew how his own cowardice looked.  Fear was a monstrosity, worthless and insignificant when viewed from the outside, but when seen from within, it was an executioner, a tormentor of irresistible power.”

 

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Wild

Starting Wild, by Cheryl Strayed right now (1/16/13).

1/20/13 – I finished this book this morning.  And what a wonderful, wonderful book it was.  This woman writes so well, so clear and true; and near the beginning, where she writes about the death of her mother, I felt it so acutely – it brought me back so close to the occasion of my own mother’s death, that I found myself sobbing.  My sister had the same experience.  And today would be my mother’s 83rd birthday.  I miss her.

But the book soon moved on to describe her experiences hiking the Pacific Crest Trail, and again, it was so vivid – I found myself wishing that I could have done the same thing back when I was younger.  This book was very moving, and I am very glad to have read it.

Here is a video my sister found after reading this book that conveys what the experience is like.  I also really like the Coldplay music that goes with it, and so very well and appropriately.  This is great:

The Pacific Crest Trail Hike

I marked a passage in this book that I loved; this was towards the end of the book:

“There were so many …amazing things in this world.  They opened up inside of me like a river.  Like I didn’t know I could take a breath and then I breathed.  I laughed with the joy of it, and the next moment I was crying my first tears on the PCT.  …I wasn’t crying because I was happy.  I wasn’t crying because I was sad.  I wasn’t crying because of my mother or my father….  I was crying because I was full.  Of those fifty-some hard days on the trail and of the 9,760 days that had come before them too.”

 

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1/16/2013

Last night I watched a show on PBS about Obama’s first term as President.  It was enlightening and interesting.  Frontline. But what a mess our political system is in.  The Republican Party is a disaster and a nightmare to our country’s ability to get anything done.  I’m afraid they are going to end up destroying our government completely, it’s become so completely locked in gridlock because of their politics and refusal to compromise at all and it’s awful.  Poor Obama – this has aged him and taken him from idealism to cynicism; as it has the majority of the country.  It’s pathetic and depressing.  But he’s a good man and thankfully he has another four years to try to get us out of this rotten mess – IF it’s even possible until the Republican Party – or more accurately, the Tea Party – goes away.

I also saw yesterday on the news an interview with our Governor,  Jerry Brown.  I was rather amazed to hear that he has apparently somehow managed to balance our state budget.  I don’t believe anyone has been able to accomplish that for a number of years, although I could be wrong.  I just know California has had financial trouble for as long as I can remember, although I do remember Jerry Brown being governor years ago and it seems like things might have been better then.

But State governments have been plagued with political gridlock every bit as much as the Federal government.  In California, there is the “initiative process” that was voted in at some point, and apparently that is the only way things are being passed into law in many cases.  Nobody was prepared to believe that Californians would vote to increase their own taxes, but that is just what we did with Prop. 30.  And that was what enabled Brown to balance our budget.

But what a stupid frustrating mess it is to see how nonfunctional our system has gotten; it makes me angry.  There are too many stupid, selfish, greedy, self-serving individuals in government, who cannot look beyond the moment and what they might get or not get.  What happened to feeling ethical responsibility for the people on the whole?  It is just bizarre to me.  All this arguing like children; first the “fiscal cliff” and now gun control.  I get really distressed over what the NRA and Republicans are doing.  Where do they get such strange ideas?  Arm the teachers?  What world is this we live in, anyway?  Here’s an interesting article about the NRA and how things have gotten to the point they are now.  BATTLEGROUND AMERICA

I sometimes think that we should get rid of the Republican Party altogether and split the Democrats into two groups:  those that are relatively moderate and mainstream like I am, and those that are more radically left-wing.  Wait – does that mean I’d be a Conservative???  Well that’s weird; I am a Liberal, but I strongly believe in Common Sense; balance and moderation are necessary.  Today’s Republicans are EXTREME – and isn’t that what one would call “Radicalism?”  Didn’t that used to be Democrats?

What a mess.  God help this country. 

 

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“Soul Collage” 2012

And this is to show how I felt about 2012:

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1/14/2013

For the past few weeks, I have been revisiting my journals and “summaries” from the past few years.  I’m trying to consolidate and integrate all the work I’ve done so I can see where I’ve been and where I am now; so I can see where I am going.

Yesterday, I was working on the year 2009.  That was such a tough year.  I found myself reliving my feelings at that time; the agony, fear, anger, and then GRIEF.  And I grieve still for my mother.  Going through all of this again left me feeling shell-shocked and in pain.  So I got myself a cold drink and a snack, and went outside and sat in the sun for a while.  And I started thinking; can it be that I have actually come a long way since then?  I have the same goals; can I actually be achieving them?

I do feel significantly calmer these days, more at peace.  And I feel that I am having much more control over my life and my time.  I am living in a deliberate, intentional way and actually have the luxury of time within which to choose my actions and endeavors, and time to reflect; to see results, cause and effect, and have the power to direct those results.  And in seeing where I was not so long ago, this is remarkable.

Charting these years is serving to make me feel more “rooted.”  I can see where I am, rather than just feeling the years whizzing by me in a whirl and not having a clue.  So I guess that is why I am doing this.  And I have realized that this seems to be the first January in a number of years that I haven’t been all depressed and lethargic.  No real “hibernation urges” this year.  And this is rather remarkable too.  It seems I must be comfortable here now in this new environment.  My “space” is working for me.  I can work, and reflect, and create, and keep things in an orderly condition; it’s a pleasant, warm environment and I feel at home.  And that is HUGE.

Anyway, then I realized that my dad’s birthday is arriving.  I decided to make a birthday card for him:

  The photo on the front is of a bird that was always there, where my dad lives, and then the bird on the inside is my drawing.  I’ve been doing a lot of original cards lately – I think that I may never again actually BUY a greeting card – but, who knows.  It is fun making them anyway.  And I want to put all of these cards I’ve done up on my “art” website.  I need to do some work on that, and soon.  In the meantime, I need to keep on creating!  That is what my ultimate goals are all about.

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The Man in the High Castle

1/12/13 – started reading Philip K Dick’s The Man in the High Castle.  

1/16/13 – finished it.  This book was fascinating.  Very clever; the premise is that the Axis powers won WWII and Japan and Nazi Germany have basically divided up the world between them.  The end is rather surprising and speaks to the idea that Reality is subjective.  Here is a good article which sums up the book in all its fascinating layers, but better read the book first! (spoilers).

I marked a passage in this book to research.  It was regarding “plutocracy” and I looked it up.  And as my sister says:  Quite an education. Quite a lot to think about. Such as, what can be done to reverse this here in the United States of America?  And indeed, it seems very relevant at the present moment in time.

 

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2013 Goals & Resolutions

1.       Quit smoking

2.       Get hair cut & colored

3.       Keep up with 31 point plan

4.       Find more income

5.       Get garage/storage unpacked & organized

6.       Get DLB organized/work on responsibilities

7.       Keep up blog/log books I read

8.       Plan LA trip in spring

9.       Join SCBWI

10.     Get manuscript out to agents/publish

11.     Journal daily

12.     Start seeing Molly regularly

13.     Work on anger/pain from childhood

13.     Reconnect with social groups (walking group, etc.)

14.     Investigate other groups (book/writing/artist, etc.)

15.     Spend more/quality time with DLB.

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Goal Categories

Here’s a tool that I got from Molly for use with our annual summary/goals stuff. I’ve color-coded mine to represent the “life areas” that I like to use; I like to look at things in this way.  It is a way to seek Balance in our lives.

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31-Point-Plan-2013

This is the year I am hoping to make full use of the “31-Point Plan.”

31PtPlan0113 31PtPlan0213
31PtPlan0313 31ptplan0413
31ptplan0513 June31ptp
July2013 Aug13
Sept2013 Oct2013
Nov2013 Dec2013

 

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This and That…

1/10/13

Recently I had the phrase, “the unbearable lightness of being” in my mind, and while that phrase has often come to mind, I have never actually read the book of the same name.  So I decided that I will get the book and I will read it. (And I did – Here.)

 And to get a clearer understanding of what this is about, my sister sent me this:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Unbearable_Lightness_of_Being

Philosophical underpinnings

Challenging Friedrich Nietzsche’s concept of eternal recurrence (the idea that the universe and its events have already occurred and will recur ad infinitum), the story’s thematic meditations posit the alternative; that each person has only one life to live, and that which occurs in life occurs only once and never again — thus the “lightness” of being. In contrast, the concept of eternal recurrence imposes a “heaviness” on our lives and on the decisions we make (to borrow from Nietzsche’s metaphor, it gives them “weight”.) Nietzsche believed this heaviness could be either a tremendous burden or great benefit depending on the individual’s perspective.
The “unbearable lightness” in the title also refers to the lightness of love and sex, which are themes of the novel. Kundera portrays love as fleeting, haphazard and perhaps based on endless strings of coincidences, despite holding such significance for humans.

 

I like stuff like this so I believe I will probably enjoy the book; am looking forward to reading it.

I often think of the phrase as relating to a state of mind, and achieving that “lightness” of being where I find myself paying attention to all the little things, particularly in Nature.  To be really living and taking part in all that is in the Universe and feeling connections, and how small we really are.

I found some little tiny mushrooms growing all over in the backyard.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen such tiny things, and I decided to take a picture of them:

Continue reading

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1/9/2013

I used the Amazon.com gift certificate that I got for Christmas and ordered the latest Children’s Writer’s and Illustrator’s Market.”  I have been wanting this for a long time but haven’t wanted to spend the money.  But I got it on sale and it arrived today.  Good stuff that I need to be reading diligently – if I can pull myself away from my “fun” reading!

 

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1/4/2013

I have discovered/learned a couple of things this week:

1.  You can’t count on anything where health insurance is concerned.  I went to the pharmacy, as I do the first of every month to pick up my prescription (that I take and have taken for a number of years every day), only to find that something apparently changed as the year changed from 2012 to 2013 and my insurance no longer covered my medication.  They brought the pills up to the counter and told me it would be (approximately) $281.00!  I was used to paying the co-pay price of $1.10.  That was rather startling!  I had to phone my insurance company and for the next 2 ½ days I spent hours trying to get through to them and being either cut-off, or stuck on “Terminal Hold.”  It was absolutely dreadful.  The worst part was the awful music that played while on Hold; it was like a music box that had gotten stuck and it played over and over and over again until I thought I was going to lose my mind!

I did finally manage eventually to talk to a human being, who was most kind and very helpful, and the matter then got resolved rather quickly.  It was simply a matter of a computer somewhere not updating correctly.

I have read a lot of science fiction novels, and seen my fair share of SciFi movies in my life, and a common theme is one of machines taking over and making humans slaves to the very machines that humankind created.  Sometimes I feel that we are actually slaves to our machines in many ways.  How many times are we inconvenienced or compromised by something having to do with a computer?  And we all know how hard it is to ever be able to talk to a human being when calling companies on the telephone.  And who likes talking to a machine?  Not I.

SciFi is often amazingly prophetic.  Sometimes that is a wonderful thing.  But sometimes it can be a little scary!

2.  “Christian Rock” = Heavy Metal.  And this was a curious discovery to me:  I was driving and looking for a radio station when I came across something on the dial that sounded somewhat interesting, I liked the song that was playing and so I listened to see what station it was.  It appeared to be some kind of “Christian Rock” station.  I was curious so I kept listening.  The music that then followed was obviously “heavy metal” and a little too “hard core” for me; the lyrics were full of “darkness” and talk of “evil” and such.  It was kind of strange.  It really got me thinking.

I find it so strange that these days how Religion seems to be tied to Guns, Intolerance, Bigotry, Greed, and Hate.  It is astonishing to me and extremely disturbing.  I simply do not understand it.  Although I am not now religious, I was brought up to consider religion as being about love and compassion and generosity.  What has happened?

But then, when I consider History, and as I am reading “The Historian,” I am reminded of all the depictions of monsters and gargoyles which adorn all the old cathedrals and ancient monuments.  And we can’t forget the horrible violence of the early Christian church with its persecutions and its inquisitions.  So in light of that, I guess it isn’t so very strange to see what is happening now.  But it is scary.  And one would think that by the 21st Century, people would have become wiser.  But at least some of us have, and hopefully the majority of us.  (This can partly be proven by our recent choice of electing Obama for President.)

I am no longer watching the news daily like I was doing during the election process.  It gets too frustrating watching our representatives fighting like children.  Unfortunately it seems we still have some of those evolutionary rejects in office.  Republicans were not always so crazy.  But they sure seem to be now.  It’s infuriating to see how much time is wasted on such total nonsense.  I cannot stomach it for the most part.  I can always find better things to do.

 

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Satisfaction Wheel 2012

Wheel of Life

Satisfaction Wheel – 2012

I used this tool in connection with our annual goals group for 2008, and I recently decided to do another one this year, to compare.  While I find it interesting and encouraging to see how things differ, I can still see areas that need work.

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Happy New Year

1/2/2013

I want this year to be a really good one.  I want to get back in shape with my goals and routines to move me forward again.

The “theme” that came to me was that “Life is a Symphony,” and I want to let each day resonate, in all its sadness and joy, whether it be mundane and absurd, or transcendental and sublime.  Life moves in all ways.  Movement is the key, whether in silent contemplation or in actual physical movement.  MOVE SLOW AND BREATHE is my mantra.  Pay Attention.  Be Present.  Experience the moment and be grateful.

I’ve drafted up my goals and resolutions, I’ve been using my 31 point plan, and I am content and hopeful.  Onward and upward…

 

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The Historian

Today, January 1, I started reading The Historian, by Elizabeth Kostova

And today, January 12th, I finished it. I really enjoyed this book; I particularly liked reading about the various parts of the world and history connected with these places.  And the idea that Dracula is real was quite convincing!

 

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a storage unit story…

An interesting thing took place shortly before Christmas:  I had driven to our storage unit, where some of my things had been moved from out of the garage at my old place.  I wanted to get some of my Christmas decorations.

First of all, we were aware that my x-husband happened to have a storage unit in the very same location as my sister and her husband’s storage unit.  That, in itself, was quite a coincidence.  But I had been to this storage unit a couple of times, and my sister and her husband and their son had been there often.  So I didn’t think anything of it when I drove over there.

I went through the gate and parked in front of the appropriate door, through which our unit was located.  I turned off the car and got out.  Suddenly, I heard my x-husband’s voice!  I scurried back to my car, jumped in and quickly drove back out onto the street, where I parked, and frantically phoned my sister.  Oh no!  What do I do?  I sat there where I could see if he should come out, and after a while I did see him come out and get on his bicycle and drive off.  Whew!

I drove back in through the gate and parked again and this time made it into my storage unit.  As I was going through my boxes and bins, trying to collect what I wanted and leave the rest in some semblance of order, I suddenly heard the man’s voice again!  And unbelievably, his unit was RIGHT NEXT TO MINE – and between my unit and the exit!  I would be unable to carry anything to my car without going right past him!  And then, for some reason, he proceeded to walk right past my unit!  I was standing towards the back of my unit and it was rather dark; I tried to hide my face, burying it behind a box, but I wasn’t sure if he actually caught a glimpse of me or not.  But my hair was very different from the last time he’d seen me, and he did not know the car that I currently have.  So I just tried to go about my business, very distracted as I was, hoping he did not recognize me.  But he wouldn’t leave, so neither could I!  I had no wish for a confrontation with that man!  It had been months since he’d seen our son despite his wishes, and I just did not want to see him or have to talk to him.  I made a show of being “busy,” moving boxes around, stacking others – and he walked right by me several times, for no reason that I could see, unless it was to get a better look at me.  I had a couple of stacks near the door of things that I wanted to take with me.  But I was TRAPPED! 

He left the unit a time or two but always came back shortly.  It sounded as if he was moving stuff out of the unit and, from what I overheard from phone conversations he had while he was in his unit next door, it seems he had been evicted from the unit (probably for non-payment, if I know him).  But when would he leave?

Then my cell phone rang.  And it was HIM!  Thank goodness I had my ringer turned off!  I was just frozen, still hoping he didn’t know I was there.  One of the times he left his unit I phoned my sister and told her how I was just TRAPPED!  She thought it was hilarious.  I was too freaked out to think it was very funny at the moment – I just wanted to get the hell out of there and go home!

FINALLY, I heard him leave for the last time.  But I waited quite a while to make sure.  Then I grabbed a stack of boxes and hesitantly went out to load it into my car.  He was gone.  I finished up and was out of there as quickly as I possibly could be, heart pounding.  And I was still freaking out when I got home.  What were the odds?

I have to chuckle now.  I was quite a wreck over that experience!  Then later, at one point when I finally agreed to let my son see him (because Dalton actually wanted to see him), and he came out to the car when I dropped Dalton off – he told me, “I thought that was you that time in the storage unit.” 

LaughingOh well.  And I never have to see him there again – I hope. 

 

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2012 in Review

2012

As the year starts out, I am still trying to dig myself out of lethargy and depression; I examine my Goals and try to get back on track and stop sleeping in so late.  I create and start using a “31-point plan” – again hoping I keep it up.  I’ve decided to hand-draw it this time.  Hopeful that I can get the house cleared out and organized with my sister’s help.  I am very grateful for her help; it feels good to see progress and tires me out enough so that I am sleeping better.

My son is having a tough time at school this year and has been home sick a lot.  It seems there are some kids – who apparently have significant issues – who are making school a nightmare for Dalton.  I make it my business to report this situation and try to get things straightened out.  It is unfair that there are some children who know no better than to torment others.  I will do everything I can to prevent my son’s school experience from being compromised like this.  (As if things weren’t hard enough around here already…)

Then suddenly, EVERYTHING CHANGES…

The decision has been made for my brother-in-law to move out of the house he shares with my sister; they have chosen to separate.

Because they own two houses – the one they now live in, and the one that I have been living in and renting for the past 8 or 9 years – and because I have become unable to pay but a portion of each month’s rent recently (and am thus becoming more and more indebted to them), it apparently makes sense for my brother-in-law to move into my former residence, and for my son and I to move in with my sister.  WOW.

There is, of course, a bigger story than this.  But suffice it to say that this may be the best decisionthe most INSPIRED decision – that my sister has ever come up with, on multiple levels. 

Suddenly, the scope of my “house clearing” project has changed.  We are still trying to sort through and take care of my mother’s possessions.  But now, at the same time, we are also going through my things and making decisions.  There is now an urgency to get this done.  My brother-in-law is anxious to get into this house; he wants to remodel it substantially and I am in the way.

A large debris bin has been rented and is now parked in my driveway.  This makes me a bit uncomfortable – Ken has always been anxious to throw my stuff away it seems; he is somewhat strange that way.  My sister and I work diligently on taking loads to the Goodwill and packing boxes to bring to her house/my new home.  And yes, we do throw away what needs to be thrown away, but the debris bin is not filling very quickly- UNTIL THAT DAY.

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