For the past few weeks, I have been revisiting my journals and “summaries” from the past few years. I’m trying to consolidate and integrate all the work I’ve done so I can see where I’ve been and where I am now; so I can see where I am going.
Yesterday, I was working on the year 2009. That was such a tough year. I found myself reliving my feelings at that time; the agony, fear, anger, and then GRIEF. And I grieve still for my mother. Going through all of this again left me feeling shell-shocked and in pain. So I got myself a cold drink and a snack, and went outside and sat in the sun for a while. And I started thinking; can it be that I have actually come a long way since then? I have the same goals; can I actually be achieving them?
I do feel significantly calmer these days, more at peace. And I feel that I am having much more control over my life and my time. I am living in a deliberate, intentional way and actually have the luxury of time within which to choose my actions and endeavors, and time to reflect; to see results, cause and effect, and have the power to direct those results. And in seeing where I was not so long ago, this is remarkable.
Charting these years is serving to make me feel more “rooted.” I can see where I am, rather than just feeling the years whizzing by me in a whirl and not having a clue. So I guess that is why I am doing this. And I have realized that this seems to be the first January in a number of years that I haven’t been all depressed and lethargic. No real “hibernation urges” this year. And this is rather remarkable too. It seems I must be comfortable here now in this new environment. My “space” is working for me. I can work, and reflect, and create, and keep things in an orderly condition; it’s a pleasant, warm environment and I feel at home. And that is HUGE.
Anyway, then I realized that my dad’s birthday is arriving. I decided to make a birthday card for him:
The photo on the front is of a bird that was always there, where my dad lives, and then the bird on the inside is my drawing. I’ve been doing a lot of original cards lately – I think that I may never again actually BUY a greeting card – but, who knows. It is fun making them anyway. And I want to put all of these cards I’ve done up on my “art” website. I need to do some work on that, and soon. In the meantime, I need to keep on creating! That is what my ultimate goals are all about.